bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I don't know why I feel like this, I need to cut, I feel really SU and cutting is the only coping mechanism I have.
I don't know why this, why now, but I feel like I can't do this

(I go away tomorrow until Sunday. Therefore I wont have access to Bus.
So if I am gone then don't worry, I will be safe.)

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I think it will prevent me getting more SU
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will keep me safer in a way, but not help long-term
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know, split between happy and dead. Sometimes they feel like the same thing
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I dont know how long, depends if I cut as deep as I feel i need to. after that? cut again i guess
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  the only thing i can think of is attempt SU and that would be detrimental to the situation. Sleep? I havent slept much recently
  I dunno
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i cut i will be unhappy tomorrow but safer, same with sleep
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to cut

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i dont know why i am here now
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  when i feel this shit i cut or attempt SU, i then still feel shit
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I havent, it is getting worse.
  i can try and relax
• How do I feel right now?
  my head hurts, i feel fragile
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  powerful, safe
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  guilty probably
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i dont know what caused this
• Do I need to hurt myself?

yes
no

i dont know

I shall try and call a helpline to support me, before i do anything drastic

Edited to add: I cut last night but not badly. I don't think I have time to fill in an After before I go, sorry

You mentioned sleep a couple of times, and said that you hadn't had much sleep recently. Do you think that being low on sleep played any part in how you were feeling? I know that my ability to cope with things is reduced if I've been lacking in sleep.

I hope you're okay

I barely sleep currently, which is a problem, but I am unable to, and sleeping medication is no longer an option after I became dependant on it.

I am working on sleeping, I have tried everything, I just can't sleep properly. Dratit