bus

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes I have

* what had happened just before?

I had been in bed trying to sleep. Tried the sleeping tips in coping to sleep, but it didn't work. I was irritated and frustrated and scared for a friend.

* what were you thinking and feeling?

That everyone I love has just abandoned me, because of my si, and all of my "issues" I was feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and just a failure at life in general, and that I would never be good enough for anyone.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

There was really no final straw. This may sound bad, but I got online, and looked to see if my best friend was online, and for the 12th day in a row, he wasn't, so I got really upset.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I had 1 drink last night, nothing big or heavy, just a drink. Since I had a big dinner, I didn't even really feel the effects of it. I was tired, but there is really nothing I can do to change that due to the fact that usually I am up with my baby, or if on an off chance he DOES go to sleep at a normal hour then I lay awake in bed trying to sleep.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I watched my favorite movie 2 times yesterday. It worked to get me through roughly 7 hours without cutting, but once J got home I couldn't watch the movie anymore, because not only does he HATE Rent with a passion, but he was asleep. I also tried to just curl up in my bed with my stuffie bear and my blankie, but it wasnt helping.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Talking to a friend might have helped, but everyone I know is only online now, and they were all sleeping. I no longer have friends that want to talk to me irl.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I will text someone, or go to the coping section.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

It's not resolved. I dont know a way to resolve it either.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I'm very likely to be in that emotional place again. Very very likely. I already know when I'm like that and that I should make myself safe. What I will do to make myself safe next time I feel the way I was feeling, I will wrap my tools up in duct tape, and hide them.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will try to get ahold of someone irl.
I will try to get ahold of someone on bus.
I will try to just stay in bed and sleep.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.


* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

Everyone was sleeping

* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

There for the taking

* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

By snapping at J, and starting an argument with him.

* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

increased

* What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

Mainly when I am alone late at night

* If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?

I would feel better, since that would mean I was sleeping. The only time I cut is when everyone is asleep. It's like a rule, and when I have insomnia, it's even worse for me

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.


* Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?

Yes

* If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?

Feeling useless, and hopeless, and feeling like no one in this f**ked up world even notices me, and feeling like the biggest failure on the friggin planet, and I figured them out because when I messaged my "so-called best friend" she ignored me. I tried calling her, she ignored me. She has basically stopped talking to me.

* What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
I talked to my best friend online.

* Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?

Yes

* If No - What coping skills got me through?

* Why do I think they worked?

Because I had someone to talk to, and someone that would listen to me and just let me cry, and he would make me feel better.

* How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

I can try talking to someone before I get urgy.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

Hi Justalittlebitbroken

I read your post on main about your worries about your friend...I'm sorry that your feeling so worried. Did you end up calling him?

What stood out for me from your post was that a lot of what caused you to self-injure this time was that you just couldn't sleep...it's a vulnerable time for you, it's a time when there's opportunity for you to self-injure, and it seems to be a time (and you're *certainly* not alone in this) when you find it difficult to "turn your brain off" and put things that are bothering you out of your mind.

You mentioned that you're married...does your husband know that you have nights like this? Would he be open to sitting up and talking with you for a bit on the nights that you're feeling very vulnerable?

I think that you've come up for some good strategies for next time. I know that when I'm feeling urgey at night, it sometimes helps me to play a game on the computer where I have to think - Sudoku's a good one. It gets me out of the emotional headspace and puts me into a more logical one. I also like to keep the TV on low when I eventually try to go to sleep - not something I'm particularly interested in, or I will want to watch it, but something where I can hear people talking and feel a little less alone.

Did filling out the questions help at all?

I hope you're doing okay.

Thank you for the reply little bear cub.

J wouldnt sit up at night and talk to me, seeing as how he doesnt know about most of my si. he only knows about the one that happened back in march when i started back up again after being si free for 2 years.

He was very upset and disappointed in me, and i dont want to disappoint him anymore than i already have. I am just waiting till tuesday and i start therapy.

I usually have cartoons on in the background when im trying to sleep, since i dont really pay attention to them. Usually if i cant sleep, im either on bus or playing a game called Flyff. It's one of those MMORPG games (never been into them but for some reason i love this one) where you play online with other people. It's fun, and it just kinda takes me out of my problems for a bit.

Filling out the questions did help me come up with some things to try next time i get really urgy. I also happened upon this one website today (i WILL NOT give the name as it could be VERY VERY TRIGGERING) and it helped me realize where my si is headed if I keep going. Some of thew pictures i saw, literally scared the hell out of me.