bus

I know I've been coming here a lot lately, and I am eternally grateful to those of you who continue to read and respond. Thank you.

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

A bout of depression, pure and simple.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I may feel a little better if I SI. SI often eases my depression, at least temporarily. The depression itself will still be a battle that I have to fight, most likely for the rest of my life.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  Hurting myself may ease my depression. It will not necessarily bring anything to the situation but possible added anger at myself on top of the depression.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want the depression to ease. SI will most likely get me closer to that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  I'm not sure. Sometimes SI is what I have needed in the past to break the depression and allow me to climb up out of my pit of despair. Other times the relief is short-lived. If I do SI and the relief is short lived, I may call a friend and ask her to accompany me to the hospital.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could skip the SI and just call my friend to take me to the hospital. This will put me out of harm's way from myself and in the hands of qualified professionals to help me cope with my deep depression.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will probably feel at the very least irritated with myself tomorrow if I hurt myself tonight. Although the past few times that I have SIed, I have felt more and more indifferent about it. If I go to the hospital, I may start to feel better, but I'll probably be scared out of my mind because IP scares me; I've been there before.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What I really want to do is find something I can do myself to ease the depression enough to make it bareable. I want something that won't have me feeling so distressed. I'm not really sure about how to go about that.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I am depressed to the point of despair.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, many years ago. I SIed badly. The next day I went IP. The SI was a relief. IP was terribly scary for me and I don't feel it helped.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I made myself a list of activities like I said I would the last time I answered the "Before" questions. So I did things like plant zinnias, make wine, cook dinner, shower, and visit my mother. I'm not sure what else I can do. Perhaps just take my medicine and go to bed.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  I feel depressed, vaguely suicidal, despairing, distressed.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Calmer, less distressed.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I will at least temporarily feel relief. Tomorrow I may feel guilt, I may be indifferent to the fact that I hurt myself, or I may still feel some relief. I'm not really sure this time.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Good question. I am taking my medication as prescribed. I am doing things to be occupied. The depression itself is unavoidable. It's part of my bipolar.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  I can usually answer this question with an emphatic no. However, SI is better than a suicide attempt, and if it comes down to it, then yes, I do need to hurt myself to keep from doing something worse.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

Love,
Stevie

Hi StevieLynn

SI *is* better than a suicide attempt. But it's also a short-term solution, and from the amount of talk that you did about admitting yourself to hospital, I think that you know this.

It must be very scary to think about going IP again; I only considered it once, and I was very frightened. I think that it's very courageous of you to be willing to stop, take an honest look at things, and come to the conclusion that you may need it again. If you start to feel that you cannot control your suicidal urges, please call your friend and go to the hospital immediately; you're worth too much to not seek help.

Could your friend help you take an objective look at this? I think I've asked you this before, but is there a mental health professional in your life right now? There is a link in Sourcebook with crisis numbers for a variety of countries in in it.

I'm hearing from your post that you realize that your depression has moved past getting from urge to urge - and that you don't want to feel that way anymore. What do you need? Is there someone in your life who can support you to get what you need?

Take gentle care,

Yes, SI is a short term solution. It's just making me remember this all the time that is the problem. If I could always remember this, I wouldn't SI anymore.

I promise, promise that if I feel I cannont control suicidal urges, I will get to the hospital. No matter how scary it is. And it is scary.

My friend is not very objective. Her solution to just about everything is "go to the hospital". I may, however, call her anyway.

I see my pdoc on Tuesday. I have been seeing her for about a year and I really like her. The challenge is getting to Tuesday. I really don't have anyone to support me right now.

This is so hard tonight. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Love,
Stevie

That's very true.

The other saying that I like when I'm right in the thick of something is, "This, too, shall pass."

That's not, however, meant to minimize the discomfort of what you're feeling now. Please take care and let us know how things go.

I'm just going to add on here instead of creating a new post. It feels like the urges are continuing, though I am managing to fight them.

I still am aching for the depression to ease and I know that SI will do that. What is keeping me from that is that I am afraid that the relief will not last long and then I will be left with depression AND guilt.

I am losing motivation to keep moving, keep distracting. I am afraid I won't last much longer without SI. My mind is hurting. I'm frustrated.

Love,
Stevie

You are not a failure if you SI.

You can fill out an "After" when/if you feel up to it...and maybe it will get you through to the time when you can see your pdoc.

As you said earlier, SI is better than a suicide attempt...and the aim of B&A and of bus in general is not to yank your only coping mechanism from you when you most need it. No one here would want you to feel that you need to do that.

You do not have to want to quit to post on this forum...you just be open to learning about yourself.

I know that you're trying hard...the fact that you take the time to post here is evidence of that.

If you do choose to SI, just be safe and take care of yourself afterwards...you deserve that.

Hope you're okay.

Is calling your pdoc before Tuesday an option? Or do you have a t you could call? Perhaps you could spend some time on Tuesday talking over some options with your pdoc. I know that mine has reassured me that I can call (any time) if I am feeling SU and that doesn't automatically mean IP. It was very comforting to know that is an option.

As LBC said, we all do the best we can to cope. Sometimes we can manage better than others. So, don't let a slip cause you to continue to spiral downward. Being here and resisting for a time is better than it used to be, right?

Take care. I know from experience that it can be hard to believe at times like this, but it will get better again. I promise!

Susie