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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

I feel unwanted by my family.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  Nothing will change. My family will act the same towards me if whether or not I hurt myself.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring calm. It will take away my panicked feeling and soothe me in the short term.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel loved. Hurting myself will do nothing to help me feel loved.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The relief will last until the guilt sets in.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could make a list of things to do and then carry out the list. It will do nothing for the situation I am in, but it would serve as a distraction until I am sleepy enough to crash for the night.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Tomorrow I will feel guilty and like a failure if I hurt myself. If I make a list and follow through, then I might feel proud that I beat my urges, I might feel indifferent.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  What I really want is a hug and to feel loved. The best thing I can come up with is to talk to my cousin who always makes me feel loved, but I tried to call and she isn't answering.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I got home from being away for three months. My father told me things I can do to clean up after myself and is making me feel thoroughly unloved and unwelcome.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  No, I have never had this specific situation happen before as I have never been away from home for three months without returning before.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have gone to the movies, watched TV, talked to a few friends. I have also tried to call my cousin. i think talking to her will help me greatly but she isn't answering her phone and it's getting late.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel panicky and alone.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Calmer. More together. Collected. Focused.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Terribly, teriribly guilty and like a failure.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I can't avoid it or deal with it. I was looking forward to being home and I'm being treated very poorly. The treatment is out of my control. I don't know how to deal with feeling unloved by your family.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No, of course not, but I really really want to. I need to feel better and I feel like hurting myself would do that.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

Hi StevieLynn

I like your posts on this forum because you really seem to get that self-injury is only a short-term solution. That may not make the urge any less powerful...but it's a significant realization in itself.

The way your family is treating you sounds very unpleasant. You're right, you unfortunately can't control the way they're treating you...but you *can* control the way you react. I think you already know that, or you wouldn't be here analyzing this urge. That's another significant realization.

When I need a hug and there's no one around...I wrap myself up in my big, fluffy blanket. Sometimes I have a cup of tea or hot chocolate. When I'm ready to drop off to sleep, I keep the tv or radio on low, so I don't feel quite so alone.

Hope you're doing okay.

Thanks. LBC. What you say really makes me feel better. Like maybe I can control my urges and eventually stop harming myself.

It's a bit warm here for fuzzy blankets and tea (I'm allergic to chocolate), but I did wrap myself up in a soft blanket last night when it finally cooled down. And it did make me feel a little better, since I couldn't have a hug.

I try very hard to remind myself that self inury really is only a short term solution, and an unhealthy one. I know relief only lasts until the guilt sets in. The trouble is, like you say, I can control how I react to how I am being treated, but I have trouble doing that. When I feel like no one cares about me, I feel like I don't need to care about myself either. How do I work on that? It is this feeling that leads me to self harm so often. It is very difficult for me to keep my reaction from being self destructive. But I am working on it. And I did make it through my urges last night.

Love,
Stevie

StevieLynn wrote: When I feel like no one cares about me, I feel like I don't need to care about myself either. How do I work on that? It is this feeling that leads me to self harm so often. It is very difficult for me to keep my reaction from being self destructive.

That actually sounds like a great question for Workshop forum...a lot of people read there, and give excellent advice. You have to ask for posting privileges, but that just involves sending a pm to one of the moderators.

It sounds like you've identified one of the big reasons why you self-injure! Well done! And it's awesome that you were able to not self-injure last night...

I'm glad that posting here is helping.