bus

*si*

I minorly SIed twice today, besides a little hitting my head. I will call them instances 1 and 2.

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes, they're very superficial and don't need anything.

* what had happened just before?
1: We're doing Alice in Wonderland and I had been frustrated at some point about thinking people though I would be a bad Alice (though I completely agree with them and they never actually said it -- I was annoyed at the obvious "we want anyone but you to be Alice" attitude of my class, even though nobody seemed willing to be Alice besides me)... I complained aobu this to a friend MT. so, MA became Alice, convinced by other people. then MT tells MA that I wanted to be Alice, whereas I did not actually want the part, I just was willing to take it. Then MA felt bad and comes up today to apologize to me. Loudly. NONONO. i did not want that part, don't feel guilty because of me! And I felt awful for the misunderstanding that I'd caused and I know I shouldn't talk so much... I kinda...overreacted... embarrassed myself... hit myself lightly in front of people .... anyways. And then I felt far away from people and angry with myself and slept through lunch in a corner and found something to scratch a tiny little mark in my finger. Logic being that it wouldn't matter because it was so small that nobody would think anything of it. That has held.
2. I found an article about pro-SH websites and it said something about bracelets and I thought I was stupid for giving my friend A a SI-awareness bracelet because she could have felt like I was encouraging her SI. I quickly got very angry with myself and accidentally-on-purpose/impulsively scratched my arm... which will be more noticeable

* what were you thinking and feeling?

1. embarrassed, guilty
2. embarrassed, angry

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

1. because I've been wanting to for a while
2. event described above (bracelet)

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

1. I don't like to be embarrassed.
2. I was already a bit strung up from the day.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

both: not a lack of sleep, but I was very tired anyways. I don't know how to address this, because i got plenty of sleep.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

1. I wrote MA and MT both via email to explain myself. I tried taking a nap.
2. I don't know how to cope with impulsive SI. I was just thinking this morning that i need to cut my nails so that i don't scratch myself, but i didn't get a chance... I will tonight.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

1. mm... no.
2. cutting my nails, self-control and awareness

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

2. I will try to be more away of myself and cut my nails more often.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

1. I feel that is resolved (since received emails back from both MA and MT and they understand pretty well).
2. I sent an apology email to A and she emailed me back. resolved.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

both: yes, I usually recognize it... I just don't know what to do about it besides SI/ don't think before i SI

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will clip my nails short, draw a picture, and try talking to people.

* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

1. I was alone, I was angry/embarrassed.
2. I was alone, I wasn't thinking enough to stop myself.

* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

1. I made an opportunity
2. It was there for the taking

* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

1. I would have been fine not doing anything
2. I probably would have hit myself in the head instead if people were there.. or punched something. i'm more aware when there are people around

* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

both: increased, probably

* What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

being alone, wrong feeling coming to me

* If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?

frustrated, angry, impulsive, fidgity

* Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?

yes

* If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?

anger, embarrassment, guilt, frustration

* What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?

thinking, SIing, expressing myself to the people i wanted to

* Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?

Um... yes, that I know of.

* If No - What coping skills got me through?

* Why do I think they worked?

I don't know

* How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

I don't know. It doesn't matter if I hurt myself. I don't matter. As long as it doesn't hurt other people that I hurt myself, it is okay.

I assure you, you DO matter.


I hope you are feeling better than you were when you posted this. Take care of yourself<3

Hi Edge

You always impress me with how thoroughly you answer the questions!

It does matter that you hurt yourself, regardless of whether it affects anyone else, because you *do* matter. It sounds like you're quite hard on yourself, so it may be hard for you to see that - but you do matter.

I'm familiar with the kind of scenarios that you described - they're the kind of things that I get anxious over too. I'm not trying to minimize the stress they cause you, because I know from personal experience that they *are* very stressful - but I also know that I frequently tend to make them more stressful than they need to be, because I tend to assume that I *know* what people are thinking...and often I assume wrongly, and I haven't offended people nearly as much as I thought I did. Does that make sense? Can you see any of that going on here?

A couple of other things that struck me...you admitted that the SI went on because you made an opportunity. That's cool that you can admit that. You identified the feelings behind the SI - also very cool. It sounds like what you'd like to work on is dealing with the feelings before they become the compulsive, overwhelming urge to SI, and you made a list of things that you'd try next time...and you know that limiting the opportunity factor will help. Those are excellent insights!

How do you feel about what you've posted?

thank you
littlebearcub --
yes, I think she might have been joking... I talked to a mutual friend about it and she thought that Ma was joking... I couldn't tell. I guess I overreacted.

dncn4lyfe77 -- thank you, yes, I'm feeling better