bus

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

They heal up on their own. Look pretty gross, though.

* what had happened just before?

I got a hurtful email from someone whom I used to believe was a good friend.

* what were you thinking and feeling?

That this was the only way I could be calm enough to continue working for the rest of the workday.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I hadn't SI-ed for over 2 weeks. I just gave in to the urge. I'm leaving my job of three years, my home-buying deal just fell through, I'm currently couch-hopping with friends because I don't feel welcome and safe in the house where I rent a room, I just graduated, I just left the activist community I had devoted myself to for the past seven years, and I've recently lost several friends -- it's just too much.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I need to start ignoring emails from this person. I can't deal with their vitriol.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Lack of sleep, yes.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

None, other than deep breathing.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Not checking my email while at work.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Getting rid of the paper clips and two-prong paper fasteners in my drawer -- I use them to SI.
Staying away from the bathroom at work when I feel the urge to SI.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

No, it's not resolved. Tomorrow I'm going to look at a house to see whether I can buy a different house.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I need to eat before seeing clients with long, involved applications to make.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

1. Take a break to eat something.
2. Read the comics.
3. Take a breath of fresh air, outside.

Hi SuZQ

Sounds like you'd been coping okay with what seems like a *lot* of stress, and then there was just a last straw. I think we've all been there. What I'm reading, though, was that a large part of what made you actually decide to self-injure at this point was opportunity - you had the tools at your desk, and you had a place to go. Is there a way that you can structure your work environment so that they opportunity to self-injure isn't there so much in those moments when you're feeling very vulnerable?

It sound like you've got some more coping strategies now...how are you feeling about being able to handle your next urge at work? (I know work is very stressful for you right now)

Thank you, LBC! It's good to hear your reply and encouragement. Here are the steps I'm taking to get better:

1. I dressed the wounds today.
2. I removed all the sharp objects from my office, and put a picture on my office door to remind me to take a deep breath and not act out of compulsion.
3. I made up a mnemonic based on the acronym in the office sign on the bathroom door that it would also remind me not to SI there.
4. I made arrangements to stay at my friend's house for as long as I need, and I set up an interview for a new house to live in, and called a bunch of subletters too, so I could get away from the living situation that I was driving myself crazy over.
5. I set up an interview for a landscaping job out in the countryside, at a retreat center, so I could live there and work outside for a few months.
6. Next Wednesday I get to see a psychiatrist and ask for some medication.

I feel good about it. Still lots more follow-up to do.

Thanks for your support!

Wow, SuZQ! Those are some really positive steps...both toward coping better with your current situation, and getting yourself into a situation that will be better for you!

That's awesome! Keep in touch about how things are going.