bus

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I would know what I'm feeling again. I'm bland right now. I don't know what to call this... I guess I'm "okay"... I'm kindof confused. I'm also tired.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

bring:
-feeling
-relief from blandness
-sadness/anger/tension
-self worth... (yes, that sounds odd... but it came to mind)

take away:
-self respect
-swimming on my class trip

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel. I don't know what to do with this bland feeling. I want passion back, preferably passion for life, though I'd go a glance at passion for death. Yes, I think it would get me closer to both of those.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It might last a day or two. Then I'd be back here to make another choice.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could go to sleep and hope I wake up with more feeling. It will maybe restore some of my energy... though, I've been sleeping a lot and I haven't been getting much energy from that sleep. Then I would wake up and have to go off to a boring day...

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I would feel more tomorrow if I hurt myself tonight.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I would like to hurt myself and then sleep and stay in bed for a couple days, but that's a bad idea, so I won't. I probably should just sleep.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I've been feeling very bland and lifeless in the past week. I like to be more exciting. I feel both boring and bored.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I've been here before. Sometimes I slept, which never really helped. Sometimes I had enough to keep me entertained outside of myself, but that's not the case right now. Sometimes I ate and vegged in front movies... which passed time, I guess. And sometimes I hurt myself, which most often worked.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've tried to keep myself entertained and awake.

* How do I feel right now?

Bored. Tired. Bland, like a soggy water cracker.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

first, like a more crunchy water cracker, and then more exciting (maybe a salted cracker?.. with cheeeeese? )... um, I guess I'd feel more alive and anxious and tense.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I would feel alive and interested in the world. I would probably also feel more alive in the morning.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Deal with it better... um........... by leading a more interesting life?

* Do I need to hurt myself?

No, i don't NEED to.... I do WANT to. But I will not. I only need to hold out another week (our trip is next week)........

Hi Edge

How did it go?

Something that struck me as I was reading...are you on any meds for depression right now? I know that some of them can leave one with that bland, flat feeling...perhaps you should speak to a doctor if it's too uncomfortable.

Some of the symptoms you mentioned (feeling emotionless, wanting to sleep alot, no energy) are often themselves signs of depression. Maybe a trip to the doctor is in order anyway?

It sounds like your trip is a big motivator not to SI right now...never can you put a reminder of the trip somewhere central in your life (right by your bed, bathroom mirror, in your car) so that you're constantly reminded of how much you'd like to stay SI-free until after you go?

little_bear_cub wrote: How did it go?

I went to bed.

Something that struck me as I was reading...are you on any meds for depression right now? I know that some of them can leave one with that bland, flat feeling...perhaps you should speak to a doctor if it's too uncomfortable.

No, I'm not on meds. I'm taking this nutritional supplement stuff ( http://www.truehope.com ), but I think the whole point of choosing this stuff over meds is that it is well... besides healthier, it's not supposed to make one feel flattened.

Some of the symptoms you mentioned (feeling emotionless, wanting to sleep alot, no energy) are often themselves signs of depression. Maybe a trip to the doctor is in order anyway?

I'm in the middle of a psych eval, but I don't have time to go see the pDoc and my T is out of town.

It sounds like your trip is a big motivator not to SI right now...never can you put a reminder of the trip somewhere central in your life (right by your bed, bathroom mirror, in your car) so that you're constantly reminded of how much you'd like to stay SI-free until after you go?

I pretty much remember. Unless I do something impulsive in which case it wouldn't much matter if I knew about the trip because i don't think much about those actions.

Thanks for helping me think this stuff through little_bear_cub