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Hi.
Me here.
I want to not cut.

I want to SI, too, often. But, ultimately, I want to not cut.
I need to not cut.
I want to play viola.
I want to paint.

I am a good violist.
I am a good artist.

It's been 5 months, 3 before that, not that I'm counting...
It gets easier. Then it gets harder. Today's harder.

So, I had a good meeting with my T today. I started a job three weeks ago, and it's kicking my . I've been exhausted, haven't been doing laundry, haven't been eating... basically, sliding downhill, fast. I've been trying hard to do all the things I've talked about with her and others -- keep a good attitude, work with my supervisor, ask for help, rest, bring snacks, drink lots of water -- but it's not enough.

I'm exhausted. Not the good kind of exhausted.
The wide-eyed, dangerous kind.
I remember it from before.

Most of all, the urges are back, big time. Not that they ever really went away, but they're back, they're graphic, and I'm close to giving in. I had tools out the other day; thank goodness the package was idiotproof, and I couldn't get it open quick enough. I had locked my cat out of the room and everything.

I don't do this anymore.
I want to.
But I want my life back. I'm going to school in the fall, and I can't if I'm still cutting. If I'm cutting, I'm going to Binghamton Psych.

DAMMIT.
I have a good life.

So, I'm going to quit this job. I'm going back to frickin' disability benefits, and freelancing. I'm tired.

I want to cut.
It gets easier, right?
-Lycander

It sounds like things are very difficult right now.

Have you taken a look at the Before and After questions? They're designed to help you understand the urges to SI, and hopefully learn something from them that will help you to better cope with them...

Urges aren't your enemy, they're serving a purpose for you right now. Figuring out what it is (or trying to) may help you to figure out some more positive ways to cope with stress.

I'm a mod on the B&A forum...please pm if I can help in any way. Take gentle care.

Hi Lycander - I've been in the place where you are right now and it's awful. I think your description of your exhaustion is particularly apt.

Three weeks isn't a very long time at a new job; it might take longer than that to get in the routine, particularly if you haven't been working for a while. In the meantime, maybe it's okay to let some things slide and not worry about it. You might need to do laundry to have clean clothes, but forget making your bed. (If you do; I never do. I just shut the bedroom door.) Know that you'll be exhausted when you get home and schedule some time to rest.

Not eating healthfully isn't a good idea, of course. What about some very easy to fix foods? Microwaveable soup, apples and cheese, prepackaged salads. Things you can just grab without having to do much preparation work.

I know that I expect so much from myself and it really sabotages me sometimes. When I can remember to allow myself some time and patience, things feel more possible.

Susie