the morning after

[vespr]

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes

• what had happened just before?
I had a nasty phone call from my ex-husband. He had been drinking and was verbally abusive and nasty.

• what were you thinking and feeling?
I was back in the same head space I was in when we were married. I felt powerless to stop him. I was angry with myself for not hanging up. I was angry at myself b/c part of me believed the nasty things he was saying about me.

• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
This is the second incident in less than a week. I am under a huge amount of stress, and cutting has always helped me deal with stress, hurt, anger. I am turning to it again b/c it is familiar.

• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Shamefully yes – I had a couple of glasses of wine through the evening. It’s easy to address it – there’s no wine in the house now.

• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn’t try anything – I went straight for what I knew would work. I feel like an addict. I have to fight the urge so many times in a day.

• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Yes – I have my ‘voice of reason’ (to quote my therapist) and it can usually talk me down. What will cutting accomplish? Punish myself? Protest my situation? Hurt someone else? Normally once I’ve figured out which it is, I don’t feel the need to go through with it.

• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
It’s not that I forgot my coping mechanism – I simply chose to ignore it – I was just so angry with myself.

• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It is an ongoing issue with me and my ex-husband. Most times I am ok with it and realize the issues are his and not mine.

• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
More than likely.

• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in
that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. Refuse to continue the negative conversation with my ex-husband and hang up.
2. Remind myself that he has had these ‘issues’ for 13 years and there is no way I can change him. It is not my place to fix him, only protect myself.
3. When I feel that I need to punish myself, I need to remember that it is ok to feel angry and hurt. I don’t need to punish myself any further.

[Jomomma]

Remind myself that he has had these ‘issues’ for 13 years and there is no way I can change him. It is not my place to fix him, only protect myself.

This is one of the hardest things to put into action.

How can you better protect yourself?
Could you let the answering machine pick up so you don't even have to worry about hanging up on him if he calls?

It's much easier for me to avoid a call than to hang up if I can't handle it.

[vespr]

My mom asked me the same thing. It's just when the phone rang last night, I was trying to get my son to sleep. It disturbed him and he was wide awake again.

I didn't think it was my ex b/c he knows not to phone during the 'bedtime routine'. I am going to get call display and turn off the ringer in the evenings now.

I am much better today and I hope to have a good sleep tonight. I am reading 'I need your love - is that true?' by Byron Katie. It is really helping me in dealing with my ex and my need to seek approval and love in other men. I am finally beginning to believe in myself.

[Jomomma]

Believing in yourself is one of the hardest things.
It has taken me a really long time to do that and even now I am only barely there.

I think the call display and turning off the ringer are great ideas. Maybe using those same tools at times when you just really need a break can help too