bus

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll be more calm and satisfy the urge. Maybe it wouldn't change it, but I deserve it anyways.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Hurting myself will bring my mean-self satisfaction to maybe go away and leave me alone. I just want that part of me to go away. Feeling very pestered and frustrated because I can't make it go away.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel better and want the negative stuff in my head to go away. I think it would bring me closer for a while.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It might last a couples hours, with the negative seeping back to me... After that I'd lie in bed... idk.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could unpack my room some more. It might make my room feel more home-like and give me a sense of accomplishment. That would maybe last the night.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I would feel bad for hurting myself and a bit anxious about hiding it on the class trip.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to cry and lie down and everything to go away. I could maybe do my homework, but it goes so slowly that I feel stupid and give up.

---

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel the need because I'm driving myself crazy thinking too much and it would calm my mind. I went out with friends today and it was fun, but I think I'm not a good friend and they shouldn't like me because I'm a horrible person. And I feel bad for assuming things. And for talking about people behind their backs. And for speculating on situations. And probably other things. And for probably getting my family disowned by my Japanese relatives by being a perfectionist and therefore not sending my thank yous because they weren't good enough yet....

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I have. I usually SI. Or lie in bed and cry for hours, but that seems like a waste of time. SI helped more than hours of nothingness because then I could get things done better.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I got went out with friends, went to a coffee shop on my way home so as not to accidentally-on-purpose crash, came online, talked to some friends online, and hid in bed for a while. I can continue unpacking my room, stress-eat ('cept I don't like the food at this house and it takes too much energy to prepare anything), or do homework.

* How do I feel right now?

crappy.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

blank

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

blank/okay, then annoyed with myself

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

If I keep myself busier, I get like this less.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

Not completely. So I will go about unpacking my room some more.

Maybe it wouldn't change it, but I deserve it anyways.

Do you think that it helps you to tell yourself that you deserve to feel bad? It's one thing to feel it, but do you think it helps to say that it's true? I know that when I do that it just reinforces the feeling. It's me beating myself up, so I try to say "I feel like I deserve it". Can you fight the thought that you deserve to feel bad? Can you make a list of good things about yourself? That might help you want to hurt yourself less.

Hurting myself will bring my mean-self satisfaction

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by "mean-self". I don't want to comment until I understand.

I think I'm not a good friend and they shouldn't like me because I'm a horrible person. And I feel bad for assuming things. And for talking about people behind their backs. And for speculating on situations. And probably other things. And for probably getting my family disowned by my Japanese relatives by being a perfectionist and therefore not sending my thank yous because they weren't good enough yet....

I'm sorry, it sounds like things are really piling up right now. Could you make yourself cry? would htat help at all? How about crying for a fixed time, to get all the sadness out. But set a timer on it and say "right, now I'm going to do something nice for myself, and then I'm going to try my homework". Because something nice might cheer you up, and then you can get on and do something.

Is there anyone you can ask for reassurance from that you're not horrible? Because I know things can pile up and seem really huge, but in the context of the whole of you...seriously, they're nothing. Nobody's perfect. WE all have good and bad in us.

So I will go about unpacking my room some more.

Sounds like a good plan. Let us know how you get on.

Thanks for replying, Smeagol

Smeagol wrote:

Maybe it wouldn't change it, but I deserve it anyways.

Do you think that it helps you to tell yourself that you deserve to feel bad? It's one thing to feel it, but do you think it helps to say that it's true? I know that when I do that it just reinforces the feeling. It's me beating myself up, so I try to say "I feel like I deserve it". Can you fight the thought that you deserve to feel bad? Can you make a list of good things about yourself? That might help you want to hurt yourself less.

hmm... ok, then I feel like I deserve it and feel like I should tell myself that because I feel that I deserve to know. I'll make a list when I have some good things to say about myself... thanks for ze idea.

Hurting myself will bring my mean-self satisfaction

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by "mean-self". I don't want to comment until I understand.

My mean-self is the part when I argue outloud with myself that has no compassion and wants to hurt me because it is angry with me or with other people (it's not allowed to be mean to other people, so it is mean to me). When it's stuck inside my head, it's all my angry and violent thoughts. Hurting myself quells those thoughts that I really don't like to think. I don't like to think of those as a part of me, so I call them something else to distinguish that I don't fully want to hurt myself -- just my not-so-nice side does.

I think I'm not a good friend and they shouldn't like me because I'm a horrible person. And I feel bad for assuming things. And for talking about people behind their backs. And for speculating on situations. And probably other things. And for probably getting my family disowned by my Japanese relatives by being a perfectionist and therefore not sending my thank yous because they weren't good enough yet....

I'm sorry, it sounds like things are really piling up right now. Could you make yourself cry? would htat help at all? How about crying for a fixed time, to get all the sadness out. But set a timer on it and say "right, now I'm going to do something nice for myself, and then I'm going to try my homework". Because something nice might cheer you up, and then you can get on and do something.

I'll try that next time.

Is there anyone you can ask for reassurance from that you're not horrible? Because I know things can pile up and seem really huge, but in the context of the whole of you...seriously, they're nothing. Nobody's perfect. WE all have good and bad in us.

I'd feel bad asking other people.

So I will go about unpacking my room some more.

Sounds like a good plan. Let us know how you get on.

I did more with my room, more internet time, and went to bed. Today, I'm feeling somewhat better, just 'cause I usually feel better at the beginning of days, before I remember what I was so upset about the previous evening.

I feel like that - good in the morning then I remember why I was upset.

Boy do I get that about feeling bad asking for reassurance. Do you think you could do it on bus? Where there's that little bit of distance? It is okay to ask for support and reassurance. Really it is. That's taking care of yourself.

When you talk about your mean self I get the impression that you're angry with stuff but you don't want to take it out on other people, is that right?

Smeagol wrote:When you talk about your mean self I get the impression that you're angry with stuff but you don't want to take it out on other people, is that right?

Sometimes. I get angry with myself often, too, though. More, I get angry at myself for having anger... idk. I like to be the calm, rational one. Or... it's easier for me to be that, and I don't know how to deal with emotions very well so I try to hide in that.

the edge of the world wrote:I get angry with myself often, too, though. More, I get angry at myself for having anger

I'm sure you're aware that this is pretty counter-productive ... how could you work on accepting your anger instead of letting it reinforce itself?
Anger is something normal that everyone feels, why do you think that you should not feel anger?


prox.

thanks, prox.

I really don't like it when others get angry, either. I will try to work on that a little... I don't really know how, but I'll just try to recognize it more... maybe that will help.