After ---- Before
Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 8:09 pm
After the Last one- (I'm doing this first and then the before in hopes this will convince me not to do this)
I'm going to go on an answer the After questions too while I wait (lad did da) for this xanax to kick in, and because keeping my fingers busy is a good thing -- NOTE this is based on after this weekend - NOT today.
Questions to Answer After A Slip slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes - neosporin antibiotic cream and big bandages
what had happened just before? panicky all day; running late; no time to nap but needed to nap; didn't get done all I needed to do at work
what were you thinking and feeling? overwhelmed; totally out of control; panicked; stressed; worthless
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? I was at home; alone; I had no time to deal with my feelings; I felt rushed to move onto the next step and stage
*Detailed description of si incident*
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I went to the pharmacy after work Friday. I needed to pick up a snack to take on my girls night out. I was really panicky but didn't want to take a xanax and be zoned during the drive home or during my night out (or too tired) so I just walked around the store for awhile looking at their buy one-get one deals – trying to walk off the panic, because I didn't want to drive just yet. Found some stuff I needed. Walked by the shaving cream/razors aisle and was debating disposables or sucking it up and buying a good one and then just getting replacement blades. Their razors (the expensive ones) are behind these plastic overhangs that you have to lift up. I was looking and found myself starting at a box of disposable razors - {expensive ones}. I picked it up and looked at it. Stared at it. Then this electronic beep sounds and this voice says something about "shopping at [store]." So I feel like everyone is now staring at me and I move on, carrying the box with me. I check out. I drive home in a total fog. I get home and am going to shower so I can shave my legs and wear capris out. As I am getting ready to get in the shower I look at the box of razors. I stare at it. I open it. These things are flimsy. They look like plastic. I figure it has to be the cover of the box and pick it up. I don't realize it is the razor until I realize my finger is bleeding. So I stood there staring at my legs. I thought, well I will try it - it will hurt like hell and the blood will cause me to feel faint and that will be the end of it. Instead of panicking over trying to fight this urge off - let's just do it, it won't work and it will be done. So I do - only my legs. The calmness is intense - way more than with {my other method}. I shower and get out and clean and bandage my leg. Then I break down crying. Not because of doing it - because I'm not sorry I did it. But because it wasn't a bad experience. It felt good - it was a total calming experience. It was better than {my other method}. And that scared me.
*end description*
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? being off meds; lack of sleep; lack of food - I'm working on getting better.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I didn't try much else - I should have taken my meds.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Carry written contract on paper; take meds and be accountable in regular intervals
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? I feel self-loathing and like a failure now. I'm still overwhelmed and tired. I have tried to get someone hired. I'm trying to sleep; although sleep never seems to be enough.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Yes, I'm still there. Feel like I live there.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. Make sure I've eaten; take my medications, try a distraction technique (reading, writing here, deep breathing, surf web, play online game, write, get up and move around)
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? Quick and easy. I knew it would work. It didn't involve anyone else or require being vulnerable to anyone or asking anyone for help.
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? The opportunity was there; I made the opportunity bigger by purchasing blades at the store.
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? I would have {hurt myself using my other methods}; had a panic attack.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increased and the panic would have been overwhelming
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? alone, being alone
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel? mad; overwhelmed; panicky; out of control; resentful
Before You Self-Harm write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? The intensity will go away and I'll be calmer, the underlying situation will still be there, but I'll be calm enough to deal with it in the short term.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring physical calmness and take away panic. In the short term.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? In the long run I want this to be over. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to have energy again. I want to stop being so anxious and tense all the time. I want to be "normal." I want to stop having this urge.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? depends - could be 1/2 day - could be 20 minutes
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? follow my contract; type here; avoid the bathroom; get immersed in a project - it will last a little while. If I can hold out until noon, then I have a meeting the rest of the afternoon.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Guilty, mad, upset, self-loathing, if I hurt myself; satisfied if I do the alternative
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I really want to go home, crawl back into bed, under the covers and stay safe. Stop being so jumpy. I don't know how to accomplish that at work. I could close my door and take 5 minutes but I know closing my door and being "alone" is not a good idea right now.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Panic; annoyance at assistant's persistent bothering of me; overwhelming work load; inability to concentrate; recruit for new job wanting too much money; leg itching terribly; irritable at myself for wanting to do it
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? Yes, been here before. {hurt myself} to deal with it It felt good at first and during. But bad after. I've done other things like write, get on chat, IM a friend.
How do I feel right now? pathetic, stupid; weak; panicky; irritated
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? calm, blissfully calm
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I'm trying to get someone hired to help at work. I am taking my medications.
**It's now 5 hours since I wrote the "before" and I've not SI-ed - whew**
I'm going to go on an answer the After questions too while I wait (lad did da) for this xanax to kick in, and because keeping my fingers busy is a good thing -- NOTE this is based on after this weekend - NOT today.
Questions to Answer After A Slip slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes - neosporin antibiotic cream and big bandages
what had happened just before? panicky all day; running late; no time to nap but needed to nap; didn't get done all I needed to do at work
what were you thinking and feeling? overwhelmed; totally out of control; panicked; stressed; worthless
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? I was at home; alone; I had no time to deal with my feelings; I felt rushed to move onto the next step and stage
*Detailed description of si incident*
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I went to the pharmacy after work Friday. I needed to pick up a snack to take on my girls night out. I was really panicky but didn't want to take a xanax and be zoned during the drive home or during my night out (or too tired) so I just walked around the store for awhile looking at their buy one-get one deals – trying to walk off the panic, because I didn't want to drive just yet. Found some stuff I needed. Walked by the shaving cream/razors aisle and was debating disposables or sucking it up and buying a good one and then just getting replacement blades. Their razors (the expensive ones) are behind these plastic overhangs that you have to lift up. I was looking and found myself starting at a box of disposable razors - {expensive ones}. I picked it up and looked at it. Stared at it. Then this electronic beep sounds and this voice says something about "shopping at [store]." So I feel like everyone is now staring at me and I move on, carrying the box with me. I check out. I drive home in a total fog. I get home and am going to shower so I can shave my legs and wear capris out. As I am getting ready to get in the shower I look at the box of razors. I stare at it. I open it. These things are flimsy. They look like plastic. I figure it has to be the cover of the box and pick it up. I don't realize it is the razor until I realize my finger is bleeding. So I stood there staring at my legs. I thought, well I will try it - it will hurt like hell and the blood will cause me to feel faint and that will be the end of it. Instead of panicking over trying to fight this urge off - let's just do it, it won't work and it will be done. So I do - only my legs. The calmness is intense - way more than with {my other method}. I shower and get out and clean and bandage my leg. Then I break down crying. Not because of doing it - because I'm not sorry I did it. But because it wasn't a bad experience. It felt good - it was a total calming experience. It was better than {my other method}. And that scared me.
*end description*
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? being off meds; lack of sleep; lack of food - I'm working on getting better.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I didn't try much else - I should have taken my meds.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Carry written contract on paper; take meds and be accountable in regular intervals
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? I feel self-loathing and like a failure now. I'm still overwhelmed and tired. I have tried to get someone hired. I'm trying to sleep; although sleep never seems to be enough.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Yes, I'm still there. Feel like I live there.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. Make sure I've eaten; take my medications, try a distraction technique (reading, writing here, deep breathing, surf web, play online game, write, get up and move around)
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? Quick and easy. I knew it would work. It didn't involve anyone else or require being vulnerable to anyone or asking anyone for help.
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? The opportunity was there; I made the opportunity bigger by purchasing blades at the store.
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? I would have {hurt myself using my other methods}; had a panic attack.
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increased and the panic would have been overwhelming
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? alone, being alone
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel? mad; overwhelmed; panicky; out of control; resentful
Before You Self-Harm write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? The intensity will go away and I'll be calmer, the underlying situation will still be there, but I'll be calm enough to deal with it in the short term.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring physical calmness and take away panic. In the short term.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? In the long run I want this to be over. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to have energy again. I want to stop being so anxious and tense all the time. I want to be "normal." I want to stop having this urge.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? depends - could be 1/2 day - could be 20 minutes
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? follow my contract; type here; avoid the bathroom; get immersed in a project - it will last a little while. If I can hold out until noon, then I have a meeting the rest of the afternoon.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Guilty, mad, upset, self-loathing, if I hurt myself; satisfied if I do the alternative
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I really want to go home, crawl back into bed, under the covers and stay safe. Stop being so jumpy. I don't know how to accomplish that at work. I could close my door and take 5 minutes but I know closing my door and being "alone" is not a good idea right now.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Panic; annoyance at assistant's persistent bothering of me; overwhelming work load; inability to concentrate; recruit for new job wanting too much money; leg itching terribly; irritable at myself for wanting to do it
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? Yes, been here before. {hurt myself} to deal with it It felt good at first and during. But bad after. I've done other things like write, get on chat, IM a friend.
How do I feel right now? pathetic, stupid; weak; panicky; irritated
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? calm, blissfully calm
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I'm trying to get someone hired to help at work. I am taking my medications.
**It's now 5 hours since I wrote the "before" and I've not SI-ed - whew**