Before

[kendra]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It'll only reinforce how pathetic I feel
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  physical pain instead of emotional (only for a little), again it will reinforce the feelings I already have. It will take away the empty feeling and give me a reason for feeling worthless
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to stop feeling like this, as soon as I start to see something positive I notice how I am not a stand out or anything special so what's the point of continuing. It's not going to turn around these feelings I want to recognize the positives not reinforce the feelings I have now
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It feels like the best option but I know it's not (in a way it just makes this feeling worse, I know it's not the best thing yet I still want to)
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  umm... try again to do my homework and accept it will be short, then go to bed
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel worse if I hurt myself for a lot of reasons. If I just try to do what I need to do and go to sleep I will feel the same, maybe I'll feel better after I am able to talk to my advisor (this may/probably is one reason I am feeling so anxious... I'm scared to talk to one)
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to feel better, I want to cry, and if I was able to I don't want to have to hide it.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Stress about school and not feeling like I can actually do anything. Just thinking about the future and not being able to see myself doing anything
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I have, I either cut or sit it out until I am able to shove those thoughts into the back of my head. I want to talk to someone and have them tell me I am silly for feeling like this, that I can be accomplished, I can do well and have some tangible reasons why
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I took a shower, I looked at my transcript (trying to prove to myself I have done well in school), tried writing in a journal things I have done (ended up making me feel worse because I couldn't think of anything)
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  like a looser
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  relief from the tension inside
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Like crud. Even worse than I feel now since I am more determined to stop, plus I'll feel more like I can't do anything since I cant make that commitment to myself
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I don't know if I really want to avoid it, stress about school is probably good in smaller amounts, I want to deal with it better though instead of avoiding or just pushing the feelings back
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Need? no

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[plantt]

are there smaller things you could do re: stress/school?
eg write out specific ?s for advisor...

give me a reason for feeling worthless
--what are 2 reasons that you're worthwhile?

what do you do/could you do/would you like to do besides school?
eg some sort of craft or sport or volunteer thing or music or etc?

[kendra]

I wrote out questions yesterday and have them on some notecards to bring with me. One teacher offered to let me turn in my paper late and take the test late, I could take her up on the offer. I could ask for help from classmates (may be less stressful than asking other profs for extensions) Maybe talking to a friend, last time we talked she talked about similar fears and I felt a bit better knowing I wasn't alone.

I feel worthless because... (I am comparing myself to other people too much) I am an average student, it seems no matter how hard I try or what grades I get I don't stand out as anything special.

I'm worthwhile because- I... idk... friends irl do come to me when they need a shoulder to cry on/advice/etc. um... everyone is worthwhile because everyone is special

I love my music but have lost motivation at the moment and had to (only momentarily) quit the orchestra I was in. Hiking is really great too and during the day I can do that. I have been accepted as a volunteer for a crisis center, that starts in August, but I don't know if I'm in a place where I could do that and feel as though I would do a good job (that kind of work is my passion though)... I turned down an opportunity to volunteer at a hospital, maybe before the other starts I can apply at ARF (animal rescue foundation) and cut down on my work hours a bit.
School is something I really love, it gets me out of the house and I love learning so although it is a cause of a lot of stress in some areas it helps calm a lot of stressors too.
I need to slow myself down, but I feel a need to keep going all the time, when I don't have a packed schedule I begin to worry about stuff, and I have to deal with parents (my mom worries way too much)

[plantt]

so then anyone doing anything 'average' or 'not standing out' is worthless? that covers quite a lot....

One teacher offered to let me turn in my paper late and take the test late, I could take her up on the offer. I could ask for help from classmates (may be less stressful than asking other profs for extensions) Maybe talking to a friend, last time we talked she talked about similar fears and I felt a bit better knowing I wasn't alone.
--sounds good....

*nods* school is a good thing....
like other stuff it tends to be problematic when it's all you're focusing on... then when it's not going well it can feel like life's falling apart. or tends to work that way for me.

[kendra]

I don't mean average or not standing out is really worthless but it seems like I always am and I see other people having strengths and me as having none- so I guess I mean being able to see strengths I have that I can maybe teach someone or so that I can contribute to discussions or activities-

I was able to talk to a friend today it was a BIG help, you are very right about it helping. Even though we completely didn't talk about my problems at school or even anything related I at least able to see other people were going thru similar things. She also did tell me I have been a big help for her which helped me feel better.

And thank you so much