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Before You Self-Harm

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I don't know exactly. My T thinks I might have a mild form a bipolar, and the meds I'm on seem to be making it worse. I don't know. But I know that before my T appointment, I felt all bouncy and happy and giddy and energetic, but also like I was on the edge between that and feeling really bad, like crazy bad, and anything could push me over. I told my T about this. She was concerned with the general pattern, and whether the meds were making it worse, and wanted to talk to my pdoc, which I'm uncomfortable with. So I left feeling bad, and I sat in my car for 20 minutes before going home, to give myself some time to feel better, to stay safe. But I still feel bad. Like all the energy that was going through my body and being released in a happy way is swirling around inside of me, but not happy, and at the same time my body feels almost paralysed, and I can sit motionless for like ten minutes or more, not doing anything. Right now only my hands are moving, the rest of me feels like I can't. And I feel really really bad, and upset, and maybe hurting myself would help me feel okay again.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes, I've felt like this before. But I've never found a really good way of dealing with it. I've found some bad ways. Taking a walk, for example. It tends to make me feel crazier. But you know, maybe even that would be better than feeling imprisoned like this.
  
  
• How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It might jolt me out of this some. It might make some of the bad feelings go away. Or it might bring all the bad feelings at once, and end the detatchment I'm feeling, so at least I could ride out the feelings and get to the other side. Which is better than this feeling, which seems endless.
  
  
• What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
  It'll bring change. It'll end this terrible standstill. It'll take away the opportunity to get through this some other way (if that's even possible).
  
  
• How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't really care about the long run right now. This is how I'm feeling now, and I need to deal with it now. I can't even make my brain think about long-term.
  
  
• If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
  I don't know. Hopefully long enough to get me centered, get me feeling okay enough to sleep. If not, I'll deal with it as it comes. Maybe hurt myself more, I don't know.
  
  
• What is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
  I wish I knew! I could try going to bed, but I'll just toss and turn and feel bad there, and get up again, and then what? Or I could go for a walk, and risk everything getting worse. I could...um, do something else that would jolt me into something else maybe, like squeezing ice, or forcing myself to move, like jump up and down. I don't know if it would work.
  
  
• How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
  If I hurt myself, I'll feel bad tomorrow, 'cause I'm trying to get away from that. If I find another way through this, I won't feel one way or another about it tomorrow.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't know.
  
  
• What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I guess I should try the other things first. Moving around, squeezing ice, cold water. If that doesn't work, maybe try to hurt myself just a little bit?

I'm struck by the contrast between the energy you're feeling and the stillness you talk about. I can think of two broad tactics:

1. Try to expend that energy somehow
2. Try and transfer the physical stillness into mental stillness.

I have no idea whether either would work, but would doing something very active help, like running or hitting cushions? Or alternatively, are there soothing things you can do, like taking a bath?

I ended up getting myself back into the energy. I ran around the house, jumping and moving my arms a lot. And I took some ice, and mostly just used it to ground myself, running it over my face and hands. This got me calmer, calm enough to not si, and to read a book, but not to sleep.

A couple hours later I was in happy bubbly bouncy hypomanic land. I didn't get to bed until 3:30 in the morning, after expending some energy by jogging around my house at two in the morning, barefoot and in my pajamas, then posting and latch-hooking until I felt sleepy, which took a while.

But, I did get through without SI.

Hi Something Else - I replied to your thread in coping, but I want to stress that I think it is really important to call you pdoc. I do understand about feeling comfortable, but this sort of state is something to be concerned about. If you just can't manage that, can you ask your t to call your pdoc and talk about the symptoms you are having? Even if you don't go into all the detail you mention here (althought that would be a good idea, of course, ), your t can obviously tell that your mood is higher than is healthy for you.

I hope you feel better soon. I know this sensation and it can be very hard to handle.

Susie