Once more into the breach.... (Before)
Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 1:37 am
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will not change, I must change the situation.
My feelings will be subdued temporarily, but it is most likely that they will re-emerge at a later date. I believe, wholeheartedly that the course of action I am taking in my life - that of therapy, combined with my practice as a buddhist - will enable me to change.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring short term relief from long term issues. I will feel peaceful and at rest for a while. It will stop the SU urges. These are very strong right now.
These are impulses produced as a response to the pain I feel inside. As such they could be described as learned behaviours. As a child, these coping strategies worked very well, kept me alive, enabled me to survive. Now I need and want to do more than just live, just survive.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
If I SH/SI the endorphine release will effectively make me 'high' for a while, and I will feel a 'happiness' of a sort. But this will not last, as it is artificially induced.
All the hurt is still waiting to be excised. My aim is to find peace and contentment, to be free of dhukka or suffering. Hurting myself will not release me from suffering, it will merely postpone the inevitable return to it.
Pain and the causes of my pain are my reality. Through therapy and practice I am learning to be with my pain. To accept it and work with it through the practice of Metta. My pain comes from the parts of me that never healed. Now I have the chance to heal those places.
I have not SH/SI (other than with an elastic band - as suggested elsewhere on the SI website as an alternative coping mechanism) since January of this year. I would like to keep things that way.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
SI is an option, just as not hurting myself is an option. Whichever I choose - I CHOOSE. No one or thing 'makes' me 'do' anything.
If I choose to find release through SI, the subsequent feeling induced will last about 24 hours. Then it will fade, and then there Ill be and there will be my pain, neglected and even hungrier for attention.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Filling in this questionnaire gives me time and space in which to have a conversation with myself. To act as a friend to myself. The kind of friend who does not just agree with everything you say, but challenges you and makes you really think about what you are saying.
Taking this time, gives me the strength to climb back on top again, to get in touch with myself.
The situation, that of the parts of me that need lovingkindness and healing will not be made better if I SI, though I will feel 'better' temporarily. To effect lasting change it is better for all the 'me's' in me if I dont SI.
I will continue to work with myself, be present and work with whatever I am feeling. I will continue to come back to this questionnaire whenever I need some space to recoup my energies.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, tommorrow I will feel 'better' in the short term, but it is a 'bodge' a quick fix and not a solution.
I will feel better about myself if I dont SI, I will feel better about myself for using the questionnaire to work out my thoughts and feelings.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Wants and needs are two different things. What I want (Id speaking) to do right now is SI, what I need to do is be a friend to my 'selves'. What I choose to do right now is be a friend to my 'selves'.
As a child I loved myself by giving myself relief from pain in the only way I knew how, by SI. Now, I choose to love myself by not self harming. Instead I will make myself feel loved and safe by meditating using the Metta practice.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
Agreed
More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Mood swings, sometimes specific triggers, but often just my own internal pressures. On this occasion it has been building up in me for the last week or so. I suffer from CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Recently Ive been feeling much better in terms of the amount of energy Ive had. Ive done things Ive not been able to do since I got ill in '04. Ive walked and generally been much more physically active than Ive been able to be in a while. However, I think, in my excitement Ive overdone it. Symptoms are returning, and Im getting tired again. Im disappointed and angry at myself for being so stupid (and pissed off with myself for beating myself up about being angry!) Amazingly enough, despite everything I go through, I dont suffer from depression! so at least I have that to be thankful for
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yep, several times. Im so fuggin' optimist tho' that each time I believe that this is it, and Im getting better. Really should know better by now. But then again my optimism, irritating though it is, keeps me going.
Before I became ill, when life has knocked me down Ive dealt with it like any sane person would
, with drink, drugs and SI/SH. I didnt feel much of anything in those days, that was the general idea.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Talked to my husband about how Im feeling right now, my urges for SI/SU. He is cool with it, he doesnt fuss, just gives me hugs and makes me endless cups of peppermint tea
There is nothing he can do, other than 'be there' and hear me when I talk. He cant heal me, only I can do that.
How do I feel right now?
Calmer than when I first started this post Still have the urges, but they have lessened in severity and depth. I am listening to my pain instead of just reacting to it.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Fcuking marvelous!! And that is what I have to fight against.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Ill feel fantastic, peaceful and at ease with myself. Tomorrow morning Ill feel peaceful and calm. BUT, as I have said elsewhere these feelings will be temporary.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I cannot avoid my pain, its there all the time. Each time I come to deal, I think I manage it alittle bit better. I learn alittle bit more about myself and my 'selves' needs. I feel less overwhelmed by my urges, less frightened by the images and thoughts in my head. I am learning to listen to my pain, be present with it and work with it.
I am slowly learning to be a friend to myself and find new ways of loving and comforting my 'selves' that dont involve SI.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes. But not quite as much as I did before I started posting. I choose not to hurt myself tonight. Instead I choose to meditate, to make contact and be present with my pain. I choose to be a friend to myself.
XXPixieXX
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will not change, I must change the situation.
My feelings will be subdued temporarily, but it is most likely that they will re-emerge at a later date. I believe, wholeheartedly that the course of action I am taking in my life - that of therapy, combined with my practice as a buddhist - will enable me to change.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring short term relief from long term issues. I will feel peaceful and at rest for a while. It will stop the SU urges. These are very strong right now.
These are impulses produced as a response to the pain I feel inside. As such they could be described as learned behaviours. As a child, these coping strategies worked very well, kept me alive, enabled me to survive. Now I need and want to do more than just live, just survive.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
If I SH/SI the endorphine release will effectively make me 'high' for a while, and I will feel a 'happiness' of a sort. But this will not last, as it is artificially induced.
All the hurt is still waiting to be excised. My aim is to find peace and contentment, to be free of dhukka or suffering. Hurting myself will not release me from suffering, it will merely postpone the inevitable return to it.
Pain and the causes of my pain are my reality. Through therapy and practice I am learning to be with my pain. To accept it and work with it through the practice of Metta. My pain comes from the parts of me that never healed. Now I have the chance to heal those places.
I have not SH/SI (other than with an elastic band - as suggested elsewhere on the SI website as an alternative coping mechanism) since January of this year. I would like to keep things that way.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
SI is an option, just as not hurting myself is an option. Whichever I choose - I CHOOSE. No one or thing 'makes' me 'do' anything.
If I choose to find release through SI, the subsequent feeling induced will last about 24 hours. Then it will fade, and then there Ill be and there will be my pain, neglected and even hungrier for attention.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Filling in this questionnaire gives me time and space in which to have a conversation with myself. To act as a friend to myself. The kind of friend who does not just agree with everything you say, but challenges you and makes you really think about what you are saying.
Taking this time, gives me the strength to climb back on top again, to get in touch with myself.
The situation, that of the parts of me that need lovingkindness and healing will not be made better if I SI, though I will feel 'better' temporarily. To effect lasting change it is better for all the 'me's' in me if I dont SI.
I will continue to work with myself, be present and work with whatever I am feeling. I will continue to come back to this questionnaire whenever I need some space to recoup my energies.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, tommorrow I will feel 'better' in the short term, but it is a 'bodge' a quick fix and not a solution.
I will feel better about myself if I dont SI, I will feel better about myself for using the questionnaire to work out my thoughts and feelings.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Wants and needs are two different things. What I want (Id speaking) to do right now is SI, what I need to do is be a friend to my 'selves'. What I choose to do right now is be a friend to my 'selves'.
As a child I loved myself by giving myself relief from pain in the only way I knew how, by SI. Now, I choose to love myself by not self harming. Instead I will make myself feel loved and safe by meditating using the Metta practice.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
Agreed
More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Mood swings, sometimes specific triggers, but often just my own internal pressures. On this occasion it has been building up in me for the last week or so. I suffer from CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Recently Ive been feeling much better in terms of the amount of energy Ive had. Ive done things Ive not been able to do since I got ill in '04. Ive walked and generally been much more physically active than Ive been able to be in a while. However, I think, in my excitement Ive overdone it. Symptoms are returning, and Im getting tired again. Im disappointed and angry at myself for being so stupid (and pissed off with myself for beating myself up about being angry!) Amazingly enough, despite everything I go through, I dont suffer from depression! so at least I have that to be thankful for
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yep, several times. Im so fuggin' optimist tho' that each time I believe that this is it, and Im getting better. Really should know better by now. But then again my optimism, irritating though it is, keeps me going.
Before I became ill, when life has knocked me down Ive dealt with it like any sane person would
, with drink, drugs and SI/SH. I didnt feel much of anything in those days, that was the general idea.What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Talked to my husband about how Im feeling right now, my urges for SI/SU. He is cool with it, he doesnt fuss, just gives me hugs and makes me endless cups of peppermint tea
There is nothing he can do, other than 'be there' and hear me when I talk. He cant heal me, only I can do that.How do I feel right now?
Calmer than when I first started this post
Still have the urges, but they have lessened in severity and depth. I am listening to my pain instead of just reacting to it. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Fcuking marvelous!! And that is what I have to fight against.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Ill feel fantastic, peaceful and at ease with myself. Tomorrow morning Ill feel peaceful and calm. BUT, as I have said elsewhere these feelings will be temporary.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I cannot avoid my pain, its there all the time. Each time I come to deal, I think I manage it alittle bit better. I learn alittle bit more about myself and my 'selves' needs. I feel less overwhelmed by my urges, less frightened by the images and thoughts in my head. I am learning to listen to my pain, be present with it and work with it.
I am slowly learning to be a friend to myself and find new ways of loving and comforting my 'selves' that dont involve SI.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes. But not quite as much as I did before I started posting. I choose not to hurt myself tonight. Instead I choose to meditate, to make contact and be present with my pain. I choose to be a friend to myself.
XXPixieXX