bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  the feelings will go away altoghether.
  
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring endorphins so maybe i wont be so sad anymore.
  itll take away my pride.
  
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i want to fee like i got over it. hurting myself is not going to bring me closer, prolly.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will last until i have to tell my gf. then i'll be ashamed. and hide. and feel awful.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could cry. if i can. i dunno if i can though. hug a teddy bear? im already hugging my kitten. if that doesnt help i dunno what ill do. how will it change the siutation im in? it might bring me some comfort. i dunno... this change has to last till i hvae ot go to school. i really need to go to school today.
  
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow i'll feel stupid and guilty. if i do the other things i'll have forgotten i ever felt this bad by tomorrow prolly.
  
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

what i really wanna do is bawl my eyes out. but i feel so lonely. and awful. and bad. and evil. and that's why i wanan SI.
how can i honor that self-protective instinct... i dunno. i am not sure what im protecting myself from. from all the pain and perceived rejection im feeling. hwo can i honor that? by comforting mysel fprolly.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  things with my gf went a bit wrong during her lunchbreak and now i feel rejected and sad because i went all the way across the city to be with her.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i have felt a lot of sadness before. i cried. but that was always when my gf was around. i havent cried when by myself in months and months. i dunno if ic an.
  
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i snuggled my kitten. i can eat something. i can... have some coffee maybe? i dunno. maybe hot chocolate would be better. something comforting. *shrugs*
  
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  sad and scared.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  i'll be hurting. and i'll be angry.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  no i cant really avoid it. things just go horribly wrong sometimes. i can just... remember that my gf does love me. no matter what. it's hard to keep in mind though becuase i feel so unloveable.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

need... no. want... not really. but i feel like it'd help. but i can hold on a little longer. maybe i'll have to do anohter before in an hour if nothing helps.

Hi Clouds. I'm glad you took the time to fill out this before. I hope it helped.

Doing comforting things sounds like a good idea. You mentioned the SI would bring endorphins. How about exercising? That would release endorphins too.

I really hope you feel better, love.

thank you b.