bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll be calm. I won't cry.
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will make me feel guilty but it will clam me down.
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want people to know I'm not ok, but I don't want to tell them. Hurting myself is getting me closer to that.
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I'll be fine till I feel bad then I'll cry and or sleep.
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could talk to my boyfriend....
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Guilty maybe, happy maybe. Awkward maybe, better maybe.
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want people to know I'm not ok. I want to cut deep so they can see how much i hurt.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Because it's the only way I can make myself feel better and show them I'm not ok.
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I don't know.
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I e-mailed Jordan. I could call Garett.
  
• How do I feel right now?
  Angry, scared, alone.
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Calm, focussed, relaxed.
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Calm, normal. Maybe a little guilty.
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I could tell people, but I'm too scared. I can't bring myself to hurt them.
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't need to, but I really really want to.

First, it's okay to cry. You don't need to cut to keep yourself from crying. Crying is a healthy release.

It sounds like you need to work on ways of directly asking for help/telling people that you are not okay. Can you identify some people in your life who might be responsive? Can you try talking to some of those people or writing a letter? There are healthier (both psychologically and physically) ways of getting the help you need.

I hope you are feeling better now.