After.
Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 3:14 am
I think I'm using this form counterproductivly. I only want to post about afters, not ever before. I want to assess my emotions after I've dealt with them the way I want to. I'm not sure I want to stop SI so much as I want to stop feeling like shit.
I think that needs to be said before I answer these questions: I still don't see self-injury as wrong. I still think it's the most amazing, loyal tool I have. I just want the emotions behind it to go away...and SIing then coming here is one way to accomplish that.
I also figured out why I SI recently--a huge accomplishment for me--so I'm going to add questions to this that deal directly with that.
Sorry.
# Have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes.
# what had happened just before?
Generic bullshit. My mom took my ipod. Called me a liar repeatedly. I cried. My dad told me to stop being a baby and crying because "jesus, it's not that bad." My little sister told him to stop belittling me. I was really angry. I don't know why; I was just really upset and couldn't stop crying. I was in my bed and my blades were right there so I SIed. My parents have switched the lock on my room so I pulled my sock up and pants down before I could see it bleed much so it wasn't enough. I punched the shit out of my arm, sobbing again, until I knew I would bruise. Then I was okay.
# what were you thinking and feeling?
I was so goddamn angry and I just wanted to feel the clarity and satisfaction of SI.
# what were you trying to validate? what caused you to feel invalidated?
My mom didn't believe me and I was telling her the truth. My dad told me that I shouldn't be upset and that it wasn't worth crying over. I felt like no one believed me and my emotions and I was so angry over that.
# how did self-injury validate these emotions?
It proved to me that I was upset. It left marks that proved that I DID feel bad, that my moms words DID hurt me and showed how bad it did. It made me feel less whiny, like the "bad" in me, the part that was upset and crying over what literally was NOTHING was gone and bled out (or punched out as I didn't see it bleed) and that the part of me left was okay and strong enough not to be bothered by this.
# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Because I could. Because I was shaking and I just felt so...angry/sad.
# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I didn't know I was that upset until it happened. Really, I had SUCH a good time...I felt like everything was okay, it's spring, I'm on medication, my grades are better, I'm doing OKAY...and then my mom just hurt my feelings and somehow I was just so fucking upset for really no fucking reason.
# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No.
# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Nothing. I tried to stay downstairs but in reality it was a huge impulse and I just went with it.
# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Not really. I was upset and it was the only thing that could make it go away.
# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Meh.
# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Not really. My mom still has my ipod but that's okay. She still thinks I'm a liar but that's okay. Like...it wasn't a big deal situation. It just FELT that way at the time. I just felt so angry.
# how valid do you feel about the situation now? are you okay with your reaction to it?
No. I feel like I overreacted. I feel like I was a bad person for getting upset. However, I feel like that badness has been erased because of the SI. It made the weakness go away and now I'm okay and rational again.
I think that needs to be said before I answer these questions: I still don't see self-injury as wrong. I still think it's the most amazing, loyal tool I have. I just want the emotions behind it to go away...and SIing then coming here is one way to accomplish that.
I also figured out why I SI recently--a huge accomplishment for me--so I'm going to add questions to this that deal directly with that.
Sorry.
# Have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes.
# what had happened just before?
Generic bullshit. My mom took my ipod. Called me a liar repeatedly. I cried. My dad told me to stop being a baby and crying because "jesus, it's not that bad." My little sister told him to stop belittling me. I was really angry. I don't know why; I was just really upset and couldn't stop crying. I was in my bed and my blades were right there so I SIed. My parents have switched the lock on my room so I pulled my sock up and pants down before I could see it bleed much so it wasn't enough. I punched the shit out of my arm, sobbing again, until I knew I would bruise. Then I was okay.
# what were you thinking and feeling?
I was so goddamn angry and I just wanted to feel the clarity and satisfaction of SI.
# what were you trying to validate? what caused you to feel invalidated?
My mom didn't believe me and I was telling her the truth. My dad told me that I shouldn't be upset and that it wasn't worth crying over. I felt like no one believed me and my emotions and I was so angry over that.
# how did self-injury validate these emotions?
It proved to me that I was upset. It left marks that proved that I DID feel bad, that my moms words DID hurt me and showed how bad it did. It made me feel less whiny, like the "bad" in me, the part that was upset and crying over what literally was NOTHING was gone and bled out (or punched out as I didn't see it bleed) and that the part of me left was okay and strong enough not to be bothered by this.
# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Because I could. Because I was shaking and I just felt so...angry/sad.
# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I didn't know I was that upset until it happened. Really, I had SUCH a good time...I felt like everything was okay, it's spring, I'm on medication, my grades are better, I'm doing OKAY...and then my mom just hurt my feelings and somehow I was just so fucking upset for really no fucking reason.
# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No.
# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Nothing. I tried to stay downstairs but in reality it was a huge impulse and I just went with it.
# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Not really. I was upset and it was the only thing that could make it go away.
# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Meh.
# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Not really. My mom still has my ipod but that's okay. She still thinks I'm a liar but that's okay. Like...it wasn't a big deal situation. It just FELT that way at the time. I just felt so angry.
# how valid do you feel about the situation now? are you okay with your reaction to it?
No. I feel like I overreacted. I feel like I was a bad person for getting upset. However, I feel like that badness has been erased because of the SI. It made the weakness go away and now I'm okay and rational again.