bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I don't honestly know. I don't even know what the situation is that's making me feel this shitty. I just know that if I hurt myself, I'll feel better. Good, even.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will (probably/maybe/hopefully) take away the urge to kill myself.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  In the long run, it will probably make me want to kill myself more. I hate that I give in to the urge so often, but... I need to.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last long enough for me to go to sleep and wake up in my own bed, not the hospital. The urges might not come back for a few days, even. Then, being the weak-willed person I am, I'll probably do it again.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could... I don't know what I could do. I don't think I would be safe going upstairs and doing anything, because that's where all the pills in the house are and I'm feeling really suicidal right now, and there's nothing to do down here in the basement... I could hang out on here, though, I guess. Just being on here, even if I don't post anything, makes me feel safe. In a few hours, I'll probably go take a bath and do some exercises so I'll be totally exhausted and go to sleep immediately.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I hurt myself, I'll probably be annoyed at myself tomorrow. I'll have to deal with my cuts, and that's really annoying to do. But if I do the other thing I came up with, I'll just be really tired in the morning. I'm not sure which is better, since being so tired is part of my suicidal urges, I think.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I really want to kill myself right now. I also really want to not kill myself. The best way to honor my self-protective instinct would be to not kill myself, but in a way that doesn't hurt me so much. I guess by keeping myself away from things I could use to kill myself?

I'm no good at this, sorry...
I just really hope it's not my meds that are making me want to kill myself... I kind of like them. ):

what could you do to get rid of the pills? flush them? make a pointed effort to stay away from them?

it is not a choice *only* between self-harm & suicide. there are always more options than that.

what could you do to stay busy &/or distracted till you sleep?
often things look at least differently (not always "better") in the morning...

what sorts of things have you tried already?

Right now, I'm trying to stay away from the pills. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to flush them, that I'd just hold on to them or take them and...
Well, actually, I think I'm really more afraid of losing the pills and the possibility of killing myself with them. There is a big bit of my brain that's screaming, "Go upstairs! Take those pills! Cut yourself to ribbons!" but I'm doing my best to ignore it. It's a really annoying voice.

I know it shouldn't be just a choice between self-injury and suicide. It feels that way right now, though. I want so badly to die, but I really don't want to, and the only thing I can think of that would get rid of those feelings without actually killing me is to self-injure. It's true, I probably won't feel so bad in the morning, but I know the urge will still be there, and I don't want to spend my whole life surviving, if that makes sense.

I colored all over the computer screen with a whiteboard marker... It kept me busy for, oh, a good ten minutes... It was fun, even, while it lasted. I spent a few hours at the mall, semi-stalking a beautiful emo-boy. I've spent as much time as possible in the company of my family, who have by now all gone to bed. I'm pretty sure I could ask someone to stay up with my, but I'm afraid to.
I could take a bath, but I would have to make very very sure not to get too close to those pills, and I'm not sure if I'm okay to even be in the same room as them right now. I could listen to very loud music, I guess, but that might just keep me up longer.
I'm making excuses. I need to do something. I wish I could go out somewhere. Too bad it's 1AM...

Okay! Enough "could"s. I am going to make a bracelet. And then I am going to make another bracelet. And I am going to keep making bracelets and paying a bit of attention to BUS until I am tired enough to go to sleep.

Thank you. That really helped me. (:
xxx,
cyan

feelings are just that... & feelings *do* change. even though often it can seem otherwise.

urges do as well.... often even when urges can seem like they're constant & weeks long.... it's just how memory plays.... there are moments when they lessen & all....

things will get better.... granted it may take a long time & most likely will take a *lot* of effort....
it's not always 'i *$*#@@ want to kill myself or at least si... hatehate.......... new day lala everything is wonderful. love myself' type. things do change. & improve.
unfortunately it's not instant or easy.

what sort of bracelets? do you have ppl to give them to or donate them to?

sorry things are so tough atm does suck

Thanks for the reality check--it does take a long time and a lot of effort for things to change for the better. I was doing the "I want to be all better right now!" thing and didn't even realize it.

I'm making semi-SI-awareness bracelets... I have orange and white beads and I'm putting them on elastic, but I only have those big, annoying plasticky beads, so they look kinda funny. Some of the beads are heart-shaped. I'm probably going to give them to my friends and be all like, "Look, I did something constructive!" so they'll stop giving me so much grief and threatening to eat whole pineapples in front of me (my friends are nuts).

hehe get funky green & yellow beads & you could make pineapple bracelets!

sounds like a good idea though.. sometimes keeping hands &/or mind busy is all it takes.... not that it's easy or anything....

hope you can sleep soon