- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel stupid, taken advantage of, unloved, frustrated, angry, unappreciated, not worth anything
My mom was arguing with my sister about how if she goes with a girl as a date to the prom then she wont pay for pictures or anything like that, and I stepped in and told my mom that she was wrong and was treating my sister like s***. That got me grounded from the car for a week.
So I called my boyfriend and told him that I couldn't drive him down to this game store he wanted to go to tomorrow. He asked me why and I said that I got grounded and told him the story. He told me that I should have just stayed out of it and that I was stupid to say anything. I told him that it's my sister, of course I'm going to say something! He then started to lecture me, and I was like don't lecture me, I did what was right, I'm gonna go, I love you, bye. And all he did was hang up...no I love you too, no bye...nothing. I drive him around pretty much anywhere he wants even if I'm not hanging out with him there. And I live a half hr away from him and have to take the expressway to get to his house. I drive him places near me as well as places 20 min away from my house opposite direction of his house. Basically I do a crap load of driving. I don't ask for gas money. I just do it because I love him.
I just feel really unappreciated
and I'm angry that he is mad at me for not having the car for a week, really angry. I feel taken advantage of and very very unappreciated and worthless. I feel like he doesn't care about me at all.
Sorry this was really long
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've never really had this happen before, well not to this extent anyways. I've had people not appreciate what I've done, but not get really angry at me because I can't do something for them that I always do, for a little bit. I felt kinda upset then but it didn't really hit me hard like this one did. I can usually just shrug it off but this hurts, a lot.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've called my friend and talked to him about everything, I've cried, I'm doing this thing right now, and I could keep posting and reading things here I guess...or go to the distractions or games forums to keep my mind off of stuff. Maybe go to a funny joke site?
- How do I feel right now?
Unappreciated, unloved, frustrated, and really really wanting to SI
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Less frustrated, less angry, I wont be feeling much of anything really, I guess I'll just feel kinda numb, and that would be nice right now.
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel a lot better after I SI, and I'll be able to think of other things rather than getting more worked up over this. Tomorrow I'll feel like a failure, Ive made it 13 days as of today without SI, and I'll know that I'll just be making my boyfriend more angry...and I don't want him to be angry at me.
- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't really know how I can avoid this really. I guess I can just not let it get to me in the future, but I can't see how you CAN'T be feeling how I am about something like this...
- Do I need to hurt myself?
This hurts too much, I can't deal with it, I feel like I'm dying inside and hurting myself would make it all better :crys:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation won't change, what happened happened, but I'll feel so much better if I SI, I won't be feeling like this anymore :crys:
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will make me feel more calm, and get rid of that aching feeling inside that you get when you're really upset and hurt, I hate that feeling. It will take away the 13 days I've made it without SI, and it might piss my boyfriend off enough to break up with me.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I just want to feel like I'm being appreciated :crys: Like seriously, all I do is give to people, I just want to be told that what I does actually MATTERS, that I'm not somebody that people can walk over and use and treat like shit.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I'll feel better for most of the night probably, and after I do that then I could take a hot bath or something and clean the wounds up pretty good
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could stay on this forum and answer some posts, do some of those things in the distractions forum, it won't really change the situation, And my boyfriend just called me and we didn't get much accomplished really. He asked me if I was ok and I said "no" and he asked me if I was mad at him and I said "no" cuz I mean technically thats the truth, I'm just hurt and frustrated and I let him know that, and he said that I better not "do anything stupid, I'm begging you please" meaning he didn't want me to SI because he knew I was upset and stuff, and god I really wanna do it but I can't just cuz of that, I'll feel terrible if I let him down again.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel kinda guilty about it tomorrow, but it wont hit me full force till I see my boyfriend, well, next week, when he might notice my SI. Then I'll feel like royal shit.
If I do the other things, I don't know how I'll feel in the morning, I'll probably still feel shitty about the situation tonight, but it will be lessened because I would have let a lot of my aggression out on myself already and I won't feel as bad the next day about it as I would if I didn't deal with it tonight
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
