Before, again
Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:00 am
Before You Self-Harm
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I went to my doctor and told her I felt depressed, and she acted like it was no big deal, didn't ask me any questions about how bad, etc, just said she'd see how I felt in two months. I want to hurt myself to prove (to myself, I guess, since I wouldn't tell her) that I really am not okay, that this is a big deal and I'm not doing okay. I feel like if I hurt myself, I'd be proving I'm not being a hypochondriac or something.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've vented on bus, and gotten feedback that my doctor probably should have at least asked more questions.
I could try something else to express myself, like writing in my journal, or drawing.
- How do I feel right now?
Bad? Angry? Stupid? (Is stupid an emotion? I don't think it's supposed to be, but I feel it a lot.) Invalidated? Ashamed? I don't really know. Bad, I think. Definitely not good.
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I'll be more focused on the anger, and maybe feel a little proud (I don't think that's quite right, but I don't know the word) that I was right. Vindicated or something.
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel bad again, and stupid for hurting myself, and guilty and weak for not making it through Lent. But I don't think I'll make it anyway, so I wonder if I shouldn't just get it over with already.
- Do I need to hurt myself?
No, but I want to.
- What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know.
It's hard when you get up and reach out for help and someone doesn't give it to you. It's really disappointing and I bet you're probably feeling a bit helpless right now as well. I hope you make it through this without SI, and for the record I don't think you're a hypochondriac 
Your doctor should have taken you more seriously and given you some options such as counciling at least, even if she didn't think you were a candidate for medication. A lot of places for counciling don't require a doctor's referral so you could check around to see if there are some in your area. When you're depressed, sometimes the best way to deal with your feelings is to vent them on someone else and have them put the thoughts in perspective like councilors do. I know mine helped me A TON with that. It's also someone who is there to listen when you need them and won't judge you. It sounds like that's what you need right now.