bus

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I'm really agitated, and because I'm manic right now it makes things worse. I think I'm over reacting to my boyfriend not seeming like hes really loving me and stuff even though I know he does and that the only reason I'm feeling this way is because he didn't pay alot of attention to me while we were at our friend's house and it was totally understandable because he hasn't seen him in a while but I guess I was in a mood where I just needed to be cuddled and loved on you know? and this is probably the longest answer to one of these questions ever but yeah. Im done.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I've been here before I guess. And well, last time I cried alot and screamed some and kinda just curled up into a ball and ended up falling asleep. I felt really alone, and I think thats what makes me hurt the most and want to SI. Just feeling like I don't have arms to run into and hold me.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Ive just been answering these questions. I want to be held and comforted but at the same time I'm agitated and I don't want to be around anyone, and my boyfriend isn't here so the whole cuddling thing is shot. That would help alot right now. I just need to feel wanted and loved
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Alone, unloved, wanting to be held and feel comforted and safe, and vonerable
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  It will be comforting to me, and will make me feel better for a little while. And I need comfort right now
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I'll feel like complete sh*t My boyfriend will be angry and hurt, and he wont want to cuddle and hold me and stuff, and I'll just feel more alone and vonerable
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Well I guess the best I can do is try to avoid being manic as much as I can. I mean I take my meds all the time and stuff but certain things set it off like... caffine which I had tonight. So I'm all irritable and stuff, which makes me over react like I am which makes me feel alone and isolated and yeah you get the picture
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No, I need to find some other way to comfort myself...maybe a hot bath without razors in the tub



[*]how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?[/b]

I'll feel better for a little bit but then I will feel more alone than ever once I do it. And I'll feel guilty. Really guilty.

[*]what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?[/b]

It will bring me temporary comfort...but nothing else. It will take away the 6 days I have made it without SI, and alot of my self confidence, well whats left of it anyway

[*]how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?[/b]

I want to feel loved, wanted and not alone. Hurting myself isn't going to change that in the least. It's just a messed up way of dealing with my feelings right now. It wont change anything.


[*]if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?[/b]

The relief will last a few minutes max. Then I'll realize just what I did and the whole guilty feeling more alone thing will kick in and I'll be worse off

[*]what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?[/b]

I could take a hot bath, or cuddle up with a favorite stuffed animal, maybe the one my boyfriend gave me

[*]how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?[/b]

Ill feel cruddy if I hurt myself. I'll feel really proud of myself tomorrow if I don't hurt myself

[*]what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?[/b][/list]

I just want to be comforted. I need to take a hot bath, get some tea, then curl up in lots of blankets and go to bed

I need to take a hot bath, get some tea, then curl up in lots of blankets and go to bed
--sounds like a good plan

sucks to feel lonely & want company when there's not anyone available to give that. i think it's a part of life... to learn how to be alone & feel lonely. not that it'll always be such an intense or frequent thing.... but to realize that it's an emotion like any other... & there are healthy & unhealthy ways of dealing with it

i think it's great that you can realize that it's your thoughts & emotions getting in the way.... rather than your b/f not caring or such.

what do you plan to do to help remind you to steer clear of caffeine?

hope you stay safe & are feeling better in the morning

I knew better not to drink those red bulls. I know what happens when I drink that stuff. I guess at that point I didnt care, I just wanna be normal, I shoudnt have to worry about whats gonna set me off...i just hate it...

Im just going to have to remind myself that imma be miserable if I drink anything with caffine I guess,,, I dont really have any other ideas, do you?

maybe try catching yourself when you start thinking "...I shouldn't have to......" & replace it with cause/effect or another option...

i know for me... the times i've let myself do the whole "i shouldn't eg need to be in therapy" then it is pretty much the same as if i repeatedly tried to walk through a wall. it gets me nowhere & just results in making the situation harder for me... & the wall couldn't care less.

even "normal" people have hugely varying responses to food & all. i know people who have no mental health dx yet their bodies don't tolerate caffeine well.... or sugar... or whatever.

i've found that personally if i eat at jack-in-the-box or a few other places then there are consequences.
i *can* eat there. i could eat there everyday if i chose to... yet the consequences are enough that i don't.

is there something that you like to drink that doesn't have caffeine in it?