before

[shadowavenger]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
If I hurt myself I will feel pain instead of just numbness. I will feel that I have achieved something in having the strength to bring physical injury to myself. I will feel in control of myself instead of out of control with all these feelings swirling around my head. I will have to do something instead of just lying here whileing my life away.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will take away the pressure as I will be back at 0 days and so I won't feel as bad if I SI again in the future.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel balanced and in control. SI will take me farther away from that as it will confirm that the self-harm urges control me, rather than the other way around.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last until I sleep tonight, maybe for some of tomorrow. I might do it again, but I will be back to feeling the same as I did before.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could have a cigarette, that would give me something to do with my hands but would only last a few minutes. I could call my boyfriend, which will cheer me up but make me feel more lonely once I put the phone down.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel bad that I gave in to my urges, and I may still feel depressed anyway (or I may not, I can't tell where my moods are going to go). If I don't SI I will feel proud of myself for resisting the urge.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to feel something other than numbness and have some concrete physical pain rather than emotional pain. I want to take my mind off how hopeless I feel right now and let me think about something different.


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel the need to hurt myself because I have been feeling depressed and suicidal this evening and I am trying to break through that feeling.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
<<My mind is too hazy to think about past and future right now, I'm focusing on the here and now>>

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I tried playing video games, talking to people online, writing in my journal, posting on another message board, smoking, eating and reading through posts in Livejournal and bus. I could try going to sleep or playing more games or seeing who else is online to talk to.

* How do I feel right now?
I feel scared and lonely. I feel that things are always going to be bad. I feel that something horrible and somewhat intangible is a few months away, coming towards me like a big rolling fireball and I have no idea how to stop it.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel scared of the pain, I will feel proud or disappointed based on the marks I make. I will be annoyed if I make a mess of my towel/bed.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel worn out and drained after, and tomorrow morning I will be in pain and feel stupid for hurting myself.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can help even out my mood cycles by making sure I always have enough medication to take and don't take overdoses that mean I run out of pills.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
No.

[syn]

I highly suggest calling the boyfriend and the cigarette, also if you need to chat I'm around.

It might be worth going to the coping board, and the nest as well as here.

I hope you feel better.