bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I'll be calmer, more focused. I'll know I'm alive. I'll have an outlet for my pain.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  I deserve to hurt. I feel like I need to be punished. But, if I keep hurting myself every time I feel an urge, I'll never get over this.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to be normal. Hurting myself isn't normal. Being fascinated by my blood is NOT normal! If I don't learn to ride through urges, I'll never stop. I don't know how I feel about stoping, though. Do I really want to?
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The relief will last for the night. Probably until tomorrow night. Nights are hardest for me. Then I'll just do it again and again day after day. Like I have been
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could just go to sleep. I could eat dinner. I haven't really eaten much today. That might make me feel better. I could try calling my parents or a friend again. Those might be enough to help me make it through the night, but I've even si'd while doing those before, so I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  The same either way. I don't even seem to care if I hurt myself any more. I don't know why. I should care. This numbness is killing me.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to hurt myself right now. Or talk to a friend, but no one's there. I want a hug, but I'm all alone.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Being alone is a huge trigger. I'm moving back with my parents in a few weeks because of that, but they are about a thousand miles away right now, so that's no help for tonight. I hate being alone at night!
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes. Every night for months and months Often, I do end up cutting. I used to feel guilty about that. Now I just don't feel. I remember a few times that I survived (without si) a really bad urge, I felt great--like I had really worked hard and come out on the other end. It's just so tiring to keep fighting, though.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I went to Starbucks to be around people and drink coffee--yum! I talked with friends on line. I tried calling people but no one answered. I cleaned my kitchen until my mop broke and tried vacuuming but that broke too--made me more mad at myself Came on bus. I can keep being on line. I really should eat dinner. I should try calling people again--it's been several hours. I should go to bed soon, but I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep.
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Numb. Bored. Evil. Is evil a feeling? A little jittery. Scattered. Definitely depressed but in a dead sort of way. Tired, but not sleepy. Emotionally drained. I think that's why I feel numb, cause it's too tiring to feel anything else.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Focussed. Alive. In control.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Calm. Focused on taking care of myself. Depending on the severity and the location, I may be a little mad at myself for causeing more scars.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Not in the near future. I'm by myself until end of February. But, the reason I'm moving home is largely because I know that I CAN'T be alone--that is the biggest stressor I have. It's a huge oportunity to si, and is also a trigger--I hate being lonely!
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I guess I don't NEED to. I certainly WANT to.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll be calmer, more focused. I'll know I'm alive. I'll have an outlet for my pain.

Are there any other ways you could get that feeling of calmness? Meditiation? How else could you feel more alive?

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I deserve to hurt. I feel like I need to be punished. But, if I keep hurting myself every time I feel an urge, I'll never get over this.

From the first one to here, you... contradict? yourself. You want to be more calm focused, feel alive and be absolved of your perceved wrongdoing?
I like the last sentence. Remember that one

The same either way. I don't even seem to care if I hurt myself any more. I don't know why. I should care. This numbness is killing me.

Thing that helps me through this [I tend to say 'what does another scar matter?'] is that it might just be one more time, but it keeps building up and things get messy and ugly.

Numbness as well. You seem to have alot of differeint feelings that are contributing. Perhaps just look at what you can do to fix/help one of these feeligns, aside form SI? It could be enough to take the edge off.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

I second that and the penguin on top of my puter concurrs.

***

I cleaned my kitchen until my mop broke and tried vacuuming but that broke too--made me more mad at myself

Lay blame where it is meant to lie. Unless you were useing the mop and the godfrey as a battering ram, it should not ahve broken. Therefore it is the manufacturer's fault. Or the smarmy bloke who sold it to you before running down the street laughing like a maniac. If you think about it, let yourself open to it, you can find other things or people who are at fault. Does not mean you have to listen to the argument, but just know that there is another side.

***

Lonliness is a big trigger for me too. I'm starting to load up my msn with people form all over the globe; peeps from here, eljay, etc. Then there is allways someone to talk to. After a dodgy night I worked out that if I do not want to go on about what i am feeling; just tell the person that you are feeling down and want to be distracted. Most peeps are understanding.

Bit silly, but could you organise some mates over for a grownup sleepover? In that your mates come over for a shardy or five and crash at your place? Or invite a neice or nephew over for a sleepover at your place? Their parents will love you, and you wouldn;t be alone.

I don;t know how much of that is helpful to you. I know I can get a specific type of lonely that ony some people can fill. But hey, covered my bases.

I hope you got through it ok mate. I'll leave a milo for you anyway.

PFD

Are there any other ways you could get that feeling of calmness? Meditiation? How else could you feel more alive?

I read a lot. That helps, but I read so dang much that I've read all the books I'm interested in in our library--and we have a big library. *grumble* I pray, but at the moment I'm a little mad at God, so it doesn't really bring any calmness into the situation. Running makes me feel alive--but it's winter which means it gets dark early and it's cold. Sometimes, it feels like I fight urges all day and then give in when it gets dark outside. I don't know why. Maybe the darkness makes me feel more trapped?

From the first one to here, you... contradict? yourself. You want to be more calm focused, feel alive and be absolved of your perceved wrongdoing?

Exactly. I'm the poster child for self harm. Ok, maybe not, but name a reason and it likely contributes all at once. It's rather confusing.

Thing that helps me through this [I tend to say 'what does another scar matter?'] is that it might just be one more time, but it keeps building up and things get messy and ugly.

I need to remember that.

[quote[Numbness as well. You seem to have alot of differeint feelings that are contributing. Perhaps just look at what you can do to fix/help one of these feeligns, aside form SI? It could be enough to take the edge off. [/quote]
I need to work on that...thanks for pointing that out. I tend to get so overwhelmed by all the contributing factors all at once that I don't know how to detangle my emotional mess. Kinda like if you have an extremely messy house--which mess do you start with? It's very overwhelming, but if I just focus in on one--"ok, the dishes on the counter need to be washed." then one by one, maybe it'll get straightened up.

Lay blame where it is meant to lie. Unless you were useing the mop and the godfrey as a battering ram, it should not ahve broken. Therefore it is the manufacturer's fault. Or the smarmy bloke who sold it to you before running down the street laughing like a maniac. If you think about it, let yourself open to it, you can find other things or people who are at fault. Does not mean you have to listen to the argument, but just know that there is another side.

You made me laugh! Thanks I just got this lifesized image of me charging around my apartment with the mop trying to knock holes in the walls with it--quite amusing.
*dang crooks*

Lonliness is a big trigger for me too. I'm starting to load up my msn with people form all over the globe; peeps from here, eljay, etc. Then there is allways someone to talk to. After a dodgy night I worked out that if I do not want to go on about what i am feeling; just tell the person that you are feeling down and want to be distracted. Most peeps are understanding.

Bit silly, but could you organise some mates over for a grownup sleepover? In that your mates come over for a shardy or five and crash at your place? Or invite a neice or nephew over for a sleepover at your place? Their parents will love you, and you wouldn;t be alone.

I call people and talk with them on im all the time. The trouble does come, however, either when they aren't around or when I've already bothered them three times this week and don't want to do so again. As for the sleepover thing--fun idea, but my friends don't live anywhere near me
Not to worry though--I'm moving back in with my parents soon, and on the way north (about 1200 miles away), I'm detouring by many many friends' houses. Once I'm back living with my parents, I think things will go much better. They are aware of my many issues and have agreed to pay for both a T and meds. Once I get back on my feet emotionally, I'll try moving out again.

This was very helpful. Thanks a lot for replying.