bus

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes, this was last night.
  
  
• what had happened just before?
  
  Nothing in particular. I had been fighting my urges.
  
  
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I was feeling terribly overwhelmed by feelings I didn't quite understand the origin of. I felt out of touch, out of focus, and slightly SU, only because everything hurt so much and I just wanted it to stop.
  
  
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  I had been having urges that got stronger and stronger for a few days. I almost SIed at work, which I have never ever ever done before. Only stopped because I had locked myself in the bathroom and someone knocked on the door. I had told myself the night before that if I still wanted to hurt myself the next night, I could. I didn't feel like I could fight the urges anymore.
  
  
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I really don't know. I feel like I was completely out of control, so I'm not so sure I could have done something differently.
  
  
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  I have been off my meds for almost two months. The nightmares started up again on Sunday, so I also had not been sleeping much for a few days. These issues will be addressed this week as I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and my psychiatrist to sort out the medication on Friday. She will most likely prescribe me the sleep aid I was previously on, which will take care of the sleeping issue.
  
  
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  While I was working, I was a little more aggressive opening boxes (I work in a stockroom with a boxcutter - gr.) in the hopes that it would relieve the urges. Once home I worked on some knitting, put on my flannel pjs, watched TV, talked to someone about how I was feeling, posted on BUS, read through the "before" questions, and tried to cuddle with the cat. I don't feel like they worked very well because I was having trouble focusing on anything and, if they had really worked, I wouldn't have ended up cutting.
  
  
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  It helps for me to be with someone irl. Unfortunately, that isn't really an option for me at this point in time.
  
  
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I don't know what I can do since I can't be with someone irl. I don't live near my friends anymore.
  
  
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  I think what led to my self injury is the fact that I have been in a major depressive episode. It is not resolved, I am still extremely depressed, but feeling slightly better than last night when I SIed. I have already taken steps to resolve this by make the appointments I have next week. I just need to get there.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I most likely will be here again until I can get stabilized by my medications again. It is hard for me to recognize when it is happening until I am already here. Right now I am an emotional yoyo, so I know while I am up that I will come down again. Conversely, I know I will eventually come back up.
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will contact my best friend.
I will force myself to keep working on my knitting project ("You can't put this down until you finish this pattern, knit two more inches, etc.")
I will try to keep playing the 24 Hour Game instead of giving in.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  
  I was so depressed and in so much emotional pain that I was starting to feel very slightly SU. I needed something to relieve it.
  
  
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  
  It was just there. I was miserable and no one was home.
  
  
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  
  I always have opportunity. I spend most of my time alone.
  
  
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  
  I think it probably would have increased, because I tried to resist and fight and the urges just got worse.
  
  
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  
  It's usually about being alone, but I usually SI only when I am depressed. Does that constitute "right feeling"? I'm not sure.
  
  
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  
  Terribly frustrated, upset, angry.

Further Ruminations

I have been feeling a complete lack of control. Lack of control over my urges, my moods, parts of my life. This seems to be a running theme lately. While I can make small decisions to exert control, such as choosing to get up when my alarm goes or or refusing to take off my sweatshirt at work (it's against dress code), I feel like I have no control over things that really matter, like my emotions, my ED, and the general direction my life is taking.

I am also having trouble venting my emotions. Things have been building for weeks and weeks, and what I really need to do is cry, but I can't for some reason. When I SI, it relieves a little bit of what needs to come out by crying. And I can't figure out anything else that will do it.

I am starting back up with my therapist and psychiatrist regardless of cost (which is stressing me out) to try to get a handle on all of this. I want to fix this, I want to get better, and I want to understand what is going on.

Love,
Stevie

StevieLynn wrote:in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

It helps for me to be with someone irl. Unfortunately, that isn't really an option for me at this point in time.

What about being in places where there are people? Taking time out and going for a walk, or sitting in a cafe for a while?

Have you ever tried help lines to at least speak to another person? Or community mental health teams (I'm not sure how this works in other parts of the world unfortunately - other people might have some more specific ideas though)


Is there anything that helps your mood at all? Anything that you enjoy, or even if it just distracts you enough to be not aware of your feelings for a while?

Resolving to get back to seeing your therapist and psychiatrist sounds like a good move. Arranging some long-term support and help for yourself is a really good start. I hope that your appointments go well.

Hi. It sounds like you're in quite a tough spot at the moment, Stevie. I'm sorry for that and wish there was soomething I could say that would deffinately make it easier- I don't think there is, but I will say a few things that come to mind.

First, it sounds to me like you are being really quite hard on yourself. The sense I get from your post is that you are dealing with labile moods, med changes, and strong urges, and you are trying your best not to aact on the urges. I would never, ever, advocate self harm as a way to deal with things, but sometimes if you're there already not hurting yourself at all is a goal too far, and giving yourself a hard time about the times you act on the urges isn't going to make things any easier for you. It can become just another stick to beat yourself with which then feeds back into your mood and makes you feel even worse. And we want you to feel better, because you deserve to, and you're plenty nice

I had told myself the night before that if I still wanted to hurt myself the next night, I could. I didn't feel like I could fight the urges anymore.

It's okay to feel like you can't fight the urges any more. Everyone is there sometimes. The point is you've tried, and tried really hard. You can learn from the slip, maybe prepare better for next time, see if next time you can soothe yourself a bit more, hold out a bit longer, and then move on, I suppose. Give yourself a break.

I have already taken steps to resolve this by make the appointments I have next week. I just need to get there.

It sounds like you've done all the right things to try and address the situation. Sometimes there just aren't immediiate solutions, which sucks, but can't be helped. So maybe you could just focus on your appointments, and get through in the best way you can? Can you allow yourself to accept that things are hard for your right now and that's okay?

You say that you aren't sure wwhat the feelings are that led up to this. Is that maybe something you could talk about with your therapist when you feel a bit stronger? Sometimes right after a slip just isn't the right time to go delving. Would maybe trying to think it through on paper help? I know I find that often helps me to see more clearly what was going on. Do you ever use chain analysees? They're another thing I personally find very helpful, although other people might not.

Do you ever use helplines? I call the samaritans quite a lot when I just need some company to help me get through the next ten minutes. They're always perfectly nice about it, and will just chat a bit until I feel like I can do without them. If I need to call them again in ten minutes- well, that's totally what they're there for.

Lack of coontrol is really hard. Do you think this could be tied up with not feeling like you can express your emotions? I know that for me, if I am feeling out of control I am afraid to start things incase I can't stop, and again, if I don't know what I'm feeling then that makes me feel not so in control of my own mind. Just a thought

Anyway. I hope you are feeling a bit better. Sorry for just splurging out all my radom ideas here. I hope some of them are of use to you.

Take care of yourself.

tatty

Hard on myself. Yes. Always. Stevie is supposed to be perfect, didn't you know? She is "smarter" than this. Or so says her best friend. *grumbles a bit* I beat myself up after every slip. It is something I need to work on. And yes, it is a vicious cycle at times.

Helplines. Yes. Have considered it, have never used them. It makes me nervous to call someone to talk about something so personal when I don't know them. I feel like if I'm not suicidal, then I'm wasting their time. Or I'm not bad enough. I don't know. The anxiety tends to inhibit me from reaching outside my comfort zone, but it really is a good idea, and I will tuck it away for next time.

Tatty, what's a chain analysis? I'd give it a shot if I knew what it was.

I do have things I enjoy, but lately they are making me more depressed. Music, for one. I can put on Faure's Requiem and get totally lost in it, but since the music that was a part of my heart and soul for so long is no longer there, it tends to make me sad. Knitting. I need to keep knitting. Makes me happy, I don't have to think to hard about it, but I can pay attention to it instead of how I might be feeling. Just need the motivation to do that.

Lack of control. Yes. I do feel that way when I don't understand what I am feeling or how I arrived in a particular state. And when I can't express how I am feeling. And for so so so many other reasons it's rediculous. Am working on this, too.

Thanks for the responses. I am grateful. I am feeling a bit better for the time being, and I am that much closer to my appointments to start to get all this sorted.