before

[sockr28]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

not really sure, hoping that maybe the visions will go away, can turn the emotional pain to physical

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

again, not really sure. and hoping to take away the thoughts of SIing. they are controling my thoughts. i just keep invisioning it, and it just keeps getting worse. hope that it would helpe release that, but know if i do that i will feel guilty.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

in the long run, i want to feel "normal" i want to be able to enjoy life and the things that i used to not just walking around like a mummy. although si might not help that in the long run, it seems like it might help now.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

the relief never seems to last as long as i want it, only a night or day, and that is what scares me, i cant be letting this turn into a habbit.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i should probably go to sleep, feel better in the morning, let the alcohol get through my system. i have tried distractions, but didnt really work.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

if i hurt myself i will probably feel really asheamed and embarrassed but as nobody really knows, it wouldnt be too much of a problem. if i dont SI than i am afriad that it will stilll control all my thoughts.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?


right now i really want to si, but i know that i should do otherwise. but i am tired of feeling the way that i do which leads to su thoughts so sometimes i feel that si would be better.

* How do I feel right now?

really depressed and out of control

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?


in control, this is something that i always struggle with. i know that the si is actually in control but it makes me feel like i have control over the other things in my life.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?


honestly, i will probably feel pretty awful. i am always ashamed and embarressed. sometimes it makes me want to do it more.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

i could probably find something else better, but i dont know what it is. i have been fighting with these feeling for over a week and they wont go away. i just dont know what to do.


i have thought about su, but in actuality, i dont want to kill myself, i just want the pain to go away and su seems to be a way to get that done.

[tattybluetrees]

Hey. I am sorry you are in such a bad place. It sounds like things are very tough for you at the moment, and you have my sympathy with that. I hope it's okay for me to reply here.

I can sympathise with having SI stuck in your head. That's a very difficult place to be in, because it does seem to take up so mauch space and effort. Do you think you could try and let those thoughts go a bit? Just say "no" to them, and move on to something else? I know that sounds a bit airy-fairy, but I have found it very useful- I have found, for example, that making a physical movement (I usually streach my arms out to the sides and then twist them up behind my head, which can look a bit odd when I'm walking down the street) and actually saying "no" under my breath- or even quite loudly if I'm in a place where it doesn'tt matter- can really help me to stop the thoughts from looping round and round in my head.

Is there anything you can do to work out what it is that is causing you to feel like this now? Where are the thoughts and ideas coming from? Maybe if you could pin it down a bit more specifically you would be able to address the underlying need rather than just the urge- I know that's hard to do, but it might be worth thinking about when you are in a better place. Might the thoughts about SI go away if you could work out why you are having them?

I hear you on the wanting to feel normal. Hell yes.

Is there anything else you could do to make yourself feel in control? What are you not feeling in control of? Is it your body, your environment? Your future? Some of those things are easier to deal with than others but maybe it would help to think it through a bit? I find that things like cleaning the house, putting CDs back in their boxes, and dying my hair can help me address my own (rather peculiar and obsessive) need for control.

I hope you manage to get a handle on thiis and that you feel better soon.

take care of yourself.

tatty