bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
-->I'm not so sure anymore, I'm hoping that it will help get rid of some of the anger that I don't seem to know how to express.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
-->A different kind of anger, an anger at self which is okay to feel. It would take away or diffuse the feelings that I'm having towards others that I don't feel it's okay to say to them due to fears of unknown

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
-->I want to feel like I have some form of control over something, I don't seem to have control over the urges to si themself so I feel that if I was to si then I would have a modicum of control over that in that I could choose how, where, all the things that go along with it. Hurting myself is likely to get me initially feeling closer but in the long run probably further away from feeling that way.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
-->I don't know that it necessarily seems like my best option right now so much as just the easiest of options to listen to for this moment in time.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
-->I'm going through the questions here, I've had a shower, I distracted by looking through and answering emails basically I'm just trying to keep myself busy enough to avoid hurting myself until it's time to go to work where I won't be able to do anything and the time distance there will hopefully help the urges settle. I am also trying to reach my t by phone as was agreed upon with him.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
-->Tomorrow if I hurt myself today I will feel upset with myself for having given in. Also I'll be worried about how to hide things. If I do the other thing then maybe I'll feel that I was able to make it one day further without giving into something that I want to stop doing.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
-->I want to curl up in bed and hide from the world and not deal with any of the problems that seem to be coming up inside of me. I want to be angry at people and tell them exactly how I feel about things without fear. I want to not be angry at myself b/c I haven't told people what I feel/think about what is happening with things.

A different kind of anger, an anger at self which is okay to feel.

Anger is a feeling--it's okay to be angry at other people. It sounds like accepting, expressing, and communicating anger is a big thing for you. Is that right? How can you constructively, non-aggressively, communicate anger to the people who have angered you?

... so I feel that if I was to si then I would have a modicum of control over that in that I could choose how, where, all the things that go along with it.

What if you control how you DON'T SI? You could decide what you would do instead, where you'd do it, etc.?
What about other small things that can restore a sense of control: cleaning a room, running some small errands?

I hope you feel better now, Stormy.