bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Some reelif, the feeling that I have actually done something.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It will last for a little while... then I will possibly si again. I might be in the mood not to. Perhaps find other ways, watch tv, talk

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could watch the Xfiles. I could invite Nipples over. I could continue to cruise the net. I could sleep. I could smoke. I could drink myself into oblivion. It will change the situation by wasting a bit more time. The Xfiles could make it worse. Inviting Nipples over would help the lonliness but could lead to another round of jealousy, trying to impress, self hate, negative self talk.
I ahve no idea how long the change will last. I can't predict it right now.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to not be alone. I realy want to be thin. I really want to be a person others would like to be around. I would like to be around people without feeling like a social fuckup.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Increased social activity, oppitunity, the negative self talk of social ineptness that follows my socail encounters. The more I have of contact with peers, the more I crave it until nothing else will do.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I ahve been here more times than i can count. Sometimes i would self injure, cry, drink. I felt akward and embarrased for a few days but it eased, regardless of the method i dealt with it with.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have cruised the internet and BUS, I have watched the tv, I have smoked. I could invite him over. I could go to bed.

How do I feel right now?

Frustrated, agitated, anxious, embarrased, akward. Bit horny to tell the truth.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I will feel like i am floating away. Feel more real. Physical pain matched by emotional pain.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I do not think I will feel bad for trying to comfort myself in such a way. I may regret... no, I don't think I would. I ahve not regretted the act of self harm for a few years now. Kind of like I've done it where people can see, I am scarred for life, one more is no harm. Twenty more are no harm.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I could aviod socail situations in the first place, but then I feel awful for not having friends/being socailly normal for a young woman. I do not self harm when I feel like this though.

Do I need to hurt myself?

I do not. But by fucking god I want to.

ADDITIONAL MUSINGS

Answering the questions, I can sort of discern a pattern and trigger for these feelings. I want to hurt becasue it makes it real, takes away from the emotional pain. Calms me down. Punishes me for the things i said or did wrong that ahre haunting me, replaying ovver and over in my mind.

I crave to socailse, be friends, party, shag, be what i consder normal, do what i missed and love when i was unwell. Then after i cannot take it anymore, something will happen. A visit, go out for coffee.

I feel so damn good half the time i choke up when i greet them. It curises for a while, then there will be silence, or something else i perceive as my fault and a bad thing. I will get jealous of their apperance, nature. I will feel a burden, not worthy, suspicious of their motives in agreeing to see me.

The meeting will end and i leave, sad becasue it is over, and a whole range of other feelings, negative ones from the bad thihngs i did and just the general self hate.

I also crave their or aonyone's contact again. It just builds up the longer it goes on. Right now it has been 36 hours since i was with my friends and i want to scratch, destroy, not be alone. I want the contact, despite the negative feelings it brings up.

I can't seem to settle to anything. I float between the tv, chainsmoking, desperatly trying to get nipples over here in an inobvius way, and not in a way that he will excpect sex.

Anything you can give me would help one hell of alot.

hi purplefroggydishwasher,

i just wanted to say experience things like this too. being with people is complicated for me, and because of that i feel lonely a lot, i think

I feel so damn good half the time i choke up when i greet them. It curises for a while, then there will be silence, or something else i perceive as my fault and a bad thing. I will get jealous of their apperance, nature. I will feel a burden, not worthy, suspicious of their motives in agreeing to see me.

The meeting will end and i leave, sad becasue it is over, and a whole range of other feelings, negative ones from the bad thihngs i did and just the general self hate.

I also crave their or aonyone's contact again. It just builds up the longer it goes on. Right now it has been 36 hours since i was with my friends and i want to scratch, destroy, not be alone. I want the contact, despite the negative feelings it brings up.

i don't know if this is helpful, but you said input of any kind, so i thought i'd share that i can relate to how complicated it feels to be with people, and how lonely it is not being able to just "be with people" and enjoy being around someone. its really frustrating and upsetting.

negative self talk of social ineptness that follows my socail encounters

i can relate to this too.

so, you're not alone in experiencing these things. i'm glad to read your account here, because i dont know that i've ever heard anyone else articulate this kind of experience this way. but i can relate a lot! hope that helps a little.

Cheers mate, its good to know that I'm not the only one. If you are still around, how do you deal with it? Etiher good or bad.

I can articulate anything when I'm going all intelectual. It kinda bugs me. meh.

UPDATE

I FEEL... WHAT I DID...
The feeligns and such described before have intensified. I contacted him and typed out meaningless drivel trying to get a question like 'wha'ts wrong?'. It did not happen adn when I asked him if his taste in music was the same, he left. Then I left a message explaining my actions which just worsend my feelings of ineptness and embarassment.

WHAT WOULD I CHANGE...
Next time I am in that situation I would be more direct. However, I fear coming over as a wangsty needy person. And not as desperate as I am.

WHAT MY PLAN IS...
I have taken my sleeping medication. I see this as a sign of failure to get what I wanted or needed. And soon this will all be a humiliating and bad memory. As long as I do not go to my room for good until the medication has me finding it hard to think and keep my eyes open, I should be safe. And mabey if I do not smoke. It can be tempting to self injure there, as when I smoke I think, mull over things. But the act of smoking makes me feel calmer, a time out.

I guess I will have to trust my jugement.

PFD

hi PFD,

how do i deal with it...mostly i have dealt with it
by staying away from people...avoidance.

i had an experience lately where i did a little better
being around a friend. i tried to observe her a little
more and think of would make her happy. so
i kind of went along with topics she wanted to talk
about, instead of trying to "lead" too much, if that
makes sense.

it worked out pretty well. see, i think alot of times i
don't feel good, so i'm wanting something to make
me feel better, whether that's being heard, or
getting attention, etc. but i tried to put myself in
her shoes, and think what would make her happy,
and i tried to treat her exactly the way i wish
she'd treat me. and it worked pretty well.

i know that's not an answer to everything, but
i think for me, being extremely self centered
probaby due to my illness or what have you,
i'm always trying to get what i need, and i found
that at least in one instance, giving someone
else what they needed helped.

but she was a person who can give and take,
so i did have some opportunties to talk about
what i wanted to. i have tried that before with
people who were only interested in what they
wanted, and that didnt work out too well.
but in this situation, it worked. so this is one
example i can think of where a social inter-
action irl felt successful.

i still had some horrible awkward feelings when
there was silence, or like when a "joke" i made
didnt go over well, and i did feel extremely un-
comfortable, but it blew over pretty well.

the other thing i can think of, is the more "in touch"
with me i am when i'm with somebody else, the
better it seems to go for me, like if i'm already
paying attention to myself and having some
compassion for myself for where i'm at.

hey feel free to share anything you come up with
that works. i'm open to hearing new ideas too,
because i really want to work on this issue, too.

Cheers for that Helika.

I'm in a much better place today. I talked to Nipples this arvo and explained myself, and he said he understood, and next time to just say I need a bit of distracting. And he really did have to leave when he did, he was not blowing me off.

Helika. your ideas sound good. I'll have to try. And if I come up with anything new, I'll let you know.

PFD