before
Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:31 am
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i'll feel bad about myself, but relieved
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i think it gives me a focus for my overwhelming emotions. i feel awful, frustrated, sad, lonely but if i si then what i've done will seem like the "problem" or "the cause", and then letting what i've done heal will become the "everything's okay" or "the cure." "when it heals, everything will be all right."
its puts things into manageable boxes. the truth about why i feel so terrible? i don't know. i just do. i woke up not feeling good. i'm coming down with something, my son has been ill and looks pale and fragile, i feel alone in the world, everything feels too hard. i feel scared. i get so scared about life and the world sometimes. and the fact that i'm pretty isolated and the only adult in the home it gets to be too much sometimes.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel safe, happy, not alone. i want to feel like the world and life isn't too overwhelming.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
well its not the best option because it just "shifts" whatever i'm feeling or going through to another focus. and whats under it deosn't get resolved.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
well i am writing and this is helping again. i am shocked that i started crying writing this. the same thing happened last time. i must "store up" my feelings or something and not be aware of what's going on under the surface.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
well i'll be angry at myself. i'll be more tempted to si in the future. (after breaking my 21 days, i have been much more tempted and had a tiny slip again this morning. cold turkey is definitely the best way for me to deal with it. here and there doens't work. it just sets up the urge for more.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
well i wanted to eat a ton of comfort food but that would be just as bad for me as si due to health problems i have.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
because of frustration and getting overwhelmed with feelings under the surface
What has brought me to this point?
feeling overwhelmed with worry, about my son, about my life, fear about death, feeling there is nothing to look forward to, dark skies, headaches, achy, my son looks pale and ill. i distrust doctors. i feel like theres no one i can trust. i feel backed into a corner. i wouldn't even know what to say if i called someone. none of my irl friend are what i'd call "good listeners." i just feel overwhelmed.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes. i think i just go on a downward spiral until it ends of its own accord. talking to people helps, i think. writing is helping relieve some of my feelings.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
rrrrrrr i dunno...well again, coming on here to write, and then i started crying and that little bit of crying helped relieve some feelings
How do I feel right now?
lonely as f*ck
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
zoned out
How will I feel after hurting myself?
like crap, angry, disgusted
How will I feel tomorrow morning?
bummed out starting the day knowing i failed
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
that i have no idea about...i have fantasies about that...if i had a partner, if i lived with another adult that i liked being around, whether it was a partner or a good friend, a friend who was like family. its just f*cking hard being alone all the time
Do I need to hurt myself?
no
i'll feel bad about myself, but relieved
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i think it gives me a focus for my overwhelming emotions. i feel awful, frustrated, sad, lonely but if i si then what i've done will seem like the "problem" or "the cause", and then letting what i've done heal will become the "everything's okay" or "the cure." "when it heals, everything will be all right."
its puts things into manageable boxes. the truth about why i feel so terrible? i don't know. i just do. i woke up not feeling good. i'm coming down with something, my son has been ill and looks pale and fragile, i feel alone in the world, everything feels too hard. i feel scared. i get so scared about life and the world sometimes. and the fact that i'm pretty isolated and the only adult in the home it gets to be too much sometimes.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel safe, happy, not alone. i want to feel like the world and life isn't too overwhelming.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
well its not the best option because it just "shifts" whatever i'm feeling or going through to another focus. and whats under it deosn't get resolved.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
well i am writing and this is helping again. i am shocked that i started crying writing this. the same thing happened last time. i must "store up" my feelings or something and not be aware of what's going on under the surface.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
well i'll be angry at myself. i'll be more tempted to si in the future. (after breaking my 21 days, i have been much more tempted and had a tiny slip again this morning. cold turkey is definitely the best way for me to deal with it. here and there doens't work. it just sets up the urge for more.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
well i wanted to eat a ton of comfort food but that would be just as bad for me as si due to health problems i have.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
because of frustration and getting overwhelmed with feelings under the surface
What has brought me to this point?
feeling overwhelmed with worry, about my son, about my life, fear about death, feeling there is nothing to look forward to, dark skies, headaches, achy, my son looks pale and ill. i distrust doctors. i feel like theres no one i can trust. i feel backed into a corner. i wouldn't even know what to say if i called someone. none of my irl friend are what i'd call "good listeners." i just feel overwhelmed.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes. i think i just go on a downward spiral until it ends of its own accord. talking to people helps, i think. writing is helping relieve some of my feelings.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
rrrrrrr i dunno...well again, coming on here to write, and then i started crying and that little bit of crying helped relieve some feelings
How do I feel right now?
lonely as f*ck
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
zoned out
How will I feel after hurting myself?
like crap, angry, disgusted
How will I feel tomorrow morning?
bummed out starting the day knowing i failed
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
that i have no idea about...i have fantasies about that...if i had a partner, if i lived with another adult that i liked being around, whether it was a partner or a good friend, a friend who was like family. its just f*cking hard being alone all the time
Do I need to hurt myself?
no
