bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

I think that shadow is fear. Of my living situation, mostly.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  It won't, except that for a brief period I will feel in control.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring more fear that I will be discovered (after 12 years, my family still doesn't know.) It will take away the edge I feel.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel in control of my life. Hurting myself will allow me to feel in control for a brief amount of time, but it won't really get me anywhere in the long run.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Relief will last as long as I am cutting. It will take the edge off enough so I can sleep, or at least cry. After that I will either cut again or begin my battle against it all over again.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could work on a knitting project, pet my cat, talk to my best friend. It will not change the situation I am in. The only thing that will change my situation is changing my living situation, which I don't have the money to do.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I hurt myself tonight, I will feel terribly guilty tomorrow. I will feel like I let myself down. If I do the other things, I will be pleased that I got som knitting done, glad that I got to talk to my friend, and comforted by my cat, but I will still have the urge to SI.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What I really want to do is SI. I don't want to blow five months of having not done it, but I feel like I have tried so many alternatives that SI is the only thing left.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I feel like I need the emotional release. I need to feel something besides turmoil and apathy.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes, I have been here before. I SIed, and I felt better. And then I felt guilty.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have put on my fleece PJs, gotten warm flannel sheets for my bed, cuddled with my cat, talked to my best friend, and posted here on BUS.
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  
  I feel scared, lonely, and out of control.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I will feel more in control and comforted by the familiar action of cutting.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I will be able to sleep afterward, but will feel guilty by tomorrow morning.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  No. The only way I can avoid this stressor is to move out of this house, which I don't have the money to do.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know, but I really really want to.


Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

It sounds like something that would give you a sense of control might be useful. What healthy things can you think of that would help you to feel empowered and in control?

Yes, I think that's right. Control would be good. But truth be told, I don't know anything I can do to make me feel in control. Well, I do, but it isn't really an option. I feel out of control because of the situation in which I live. But the only way that I can see to remedy that is to move out, which I cannot afford at the moment.

I'd be willing to try any suggestions. Anything. I'm still thinking, but a kick start would be good. I'm feeling a little stuck.

Love,
Stevie

It sounds like you've tried really good stuff. I'm a big fan of the coddling myself approach.

Control can be about little things. I tidy my room. Then clean the kitchen. Or I brush my hair and clean my teeth. Or I climb under my duvet and refuse to get out. Shut my door, only leave my room when there's nobody who'll see me. Only minor, but they assert that I have power. I don't know what your living situation is but I lived somewhere where I had very little control and I wasn't treated like a person, and I had to take the minor victories until I could move out.

On other days I try bigger challenges: I decide that I'm going to control how I feel about something. So, instead of feeling miserable because my landlords suck, I'm going to go out and have some fun. Or I'm going to get lots of useful work done.

Smeagol, that's interesting. I never though of doing little things like that as asserting control. I like it, though. Perhaps instead of rying to think of ways I can control my life, I'll try to change my perspective a bit. If I can really get myself to realize that I have control over things like getting out of bed in the morning and how clean I keep my bedroom or the bathroom or something, maybe I'll start feeling a little more in control.

The living situation is that I am an adult living with my father, who was reported to the Division of Youth and Family Services when I was younger. He used to physically abuse me, still does verbally abuse me, and it is quite diminutive. After a run in with him, I feel powerless.

So yes, change perspective. We'll see if that works.

Love,
Stevie