Sorry if this seems stupid. I wrote a blog and changed the names in case any one ever came on here that i knew including my friend, but I just don't get why I am doing something so serious over something so stupid.
I am a JEALOUS mother fucker, and quite frankly I don't know why.
A has the door closed and B is in the room, and regardless of that I want to admit, I am feeling little bits of jealousy that something could possibly happen. I don't think that B is interested, but hey you never know - A is hot and has been drinking.
I just don't know how to deal with these feelings that I have...I could say that my New Years resolution is to get over him, but that dosen't mean i can turn off my feelings because it is a new day....I just can't do that, and if I knew how I would......
I just feel like such an idiot that I care at all.....he is just a typical guy, and regardless of how good he has made me feel, he is still just a FRIEND, and I don't know why my fucking brain won't or can't get that and I wish that it would.......it just hasn't.
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? It won't. Nothing can change from me hurting myself, so I don't know why I do it. I guess in the back of my mind, I hope that although I don't show him anything, that he will feel sorry for me - STUPID I KNOW.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? Nothing. It will take away more scars that i need to deal with for the rest of my life.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to go back to normal before I was dealing with my drinking problem and my SI problem.....this won't really move me in either direction, except if I don't do it to prove to myself that i don't need this.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The night - it will let me go to sleep without thinking of things, and tomorrow when I am in pain I will hate myself for doing it.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Fill this out...honestly thats about it - I wrote a blog which I posted above, and I can't really talk to him about my feelings, so I hope that just getting things down on paper will help me.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Like an idiot and I won't understand what could have been so bad that I would hurt myself over a guy,
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I really just want to make my negative feelings of jealousy and bitterness go away ... SI will not make that happen.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? The same thing day in and day out for the past 8 weeks. The feelings are there even though he has expressed no intrest at all. Obviously there are a lot o other problems I have including work and other difficult friendships, but this is the one that always triggers me to do something stupid.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? I have, and I cut myself, and I felt not neccesarily better, but more human...I know that i don't need to be numbed to certain situations.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I have been trying to put my thoughts on paper, I have aksed friends for help, and right now this is about it. It is making me calm down though.
How do I feel right now? Better than 10 minutes ago, but still not normal.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Stupid, I will probably start crying a liittle bit, but not over anything except for the fact that i am doing something destructive.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? I will be able to sleep without problems, but I will be vvery quiet and reseved. Tomorrow I will feel stupid.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? Not for a few months - we live together and work together.
Do I need to hurt myself? I dont know...I want to say no because thats what my head says, but out of habit I just want to do it, fall asleep and deal with it tomorrow.
Before
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