bus

First of all: Apologies for polluting the board with my random nonsensical ramblings, but I couldn't resist filling one of forms out. In a way I think it has helped me understand myself a bit better.

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[*SI* *Self Destruction* TRIGGERS ETC]

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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  In the long term, nothing is going to change.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will provide the opportunity of a momentary escape from the dull and dark feelings.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know what I want to feel. But I agree that SI isn't going to help in the long run.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last less than 30 mins. After that I will probably be relaxed enough to sleep... Things will be alright again in the morning.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  There are plenty of distractions. The question is do I really want to distract myself? Part of me screams 'Yes', the other part 'No'.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I SI I will feel guilty and ashamed. If I don't, tomorrow will just be another ordinary day.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't know. I think that I SI for different reasons than most people here do. I think I am addicted to the destructive aspects of SI.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  It's been a significant part of my past, sometimes I miss the feeling (its like an addiction). Maybe I'm in some sort of 'emotional pain'. I dont know why, I should be happy.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Several times. I have dealt with it in different ways, sometimes successful, sometimes not.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Not much. There are things that I can do to ease the discomfort, if I wamnted to.
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  Sick, tired, gloomy and trapped.
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Somehow elevated from life? Its a hard feeling to explain.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  In the long run I will feel bad about SIing.
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  The biggest stressor exists in my mind. In a sense, I created it myself and I don't really know how to fix myself. And part of me of me doesn't want to be fixed.
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I do not 'need' to SI.

You say that part of you doesn't want to si. Do you have any insight into that? I mean, it might well be habit. But then it might not. Si might be filling a need. A need to feel special/important (I don't mean that in a nasty way - more in the sense that you see it as defining yourself a bit), or a need to feel in control. Do you have any ideas about that?

BEcause I think there's two ways to tackle urges. Firstly by focussing on why you don't want to si. That's really important in not doing it. But focussing on *why* you want to si is just as important, because in the end, you probably need to find a way to fill those needs. It's okay not to entirely want not to si, even when you know it's a want rather than a "I don't have any options". Rather look at why you still want it even when you're aware of your choices.

Take care

Thanks for the reply . You've raised some good points. SI is certainly filling a need, perhaps filling a hole in my character.

It looks like I still have a lot of 'searching and discovering' to do, to get to the root of my problems.

Any way, I managed to resist the urge again. So I suppose thats some good news.


Mike

Not a "hole in your character". If there's something you need you're not getting any other way then it makes sense that you would want to fill it. And having needs and wants doesn't make you bad. Everybody has them. I absolutely hate people messing with my room. I hate people asking me to change the music or move the furniture or anything, because my room is the one place I have control over. And that's okay. It's okay to need to be able to exert control somewhere.

I'm not saying the control is the need you're trying to fill, but rather point out that wanting to self-injure isn't about some deficit in you. It's about trying to get something you don't know how to attain otherwise.

And I don't know wher eyou are in terms of recovery, i.e. whether you think you're doing better and don't need to si, but I can tell you that a lot of people find it really hard to move on. Self-injury is often familiar and secure, and giving it up is scary. Even for people who don't 'need' it any more. Leaving it behind can be very hard. Getting your head round the idea of not being 'sick' any more can also be hard.

I don't know where you are or really anything about you, but I do want to point out that I think using phrases such as "hole in character" is being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

Thanks again. Your right, I suppose I am being hard on myself (I hadn't realised this before).