bus

# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
dont know whether should have split up with him
should do it
punishment for being weak and messing around, talking myself into decisions
nothing feels bad enough, i am not taking it hard enough, it should be and is worse than what i am feeling
he should be my best friend, should help him, but i have destroyed our relationship and in doing so our friendship
even if my decision was in the long term sensible and it would not work out i have destroyed it and partly him
i cannot tell why i did it now
i must do the opposite of reward

# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, and i did this again, but i split up with him this time.

# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have played on the internet and listened to radio stories i could work or watch a film and feel even worse

# How do I feel right now?
numb and furious at the same time
disgusting
bloated from bingeing
evil

# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
focused

# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
alright
alright
vindicated or punished
embarrassed

# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no, yes

# Do I need to hurt myself?
of course not
definitely

# have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
to be honest, from hitting shit, this is just pathetic.

# what had happened just before?
above

# what were you thinking and feeling?
above

# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i'm so crap at this, even at this. there wasn't much else to be done. i make my friends angry. i am shit to the interviewees here currently. i treat people like crap. and i fucked up the best relationship i have had because of some crappy unromantic feelings that i dwelt on for too long. and i have lost a best friend.

# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
this will take too long and i dont want to think about any of it at all

# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no.

# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
bus, fiddling, working. it is putting off and i feel better now i am back on the bandwagon. i think the idea of "recovery" assumes a lot.

# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
going and sitting with someone, but who wants me anymore? i dont

# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
see my phone as a reminder not an implement-holder
DO SOMETHING

sigh. i did try with this, but i don't know whether it worked as a distraction or a tool of perpetuation. i did try, though.
ah well!