Sorry you're going through this.
Go you for tring to get through it w/o si though! that's a huge step and you should be really proud of yourself.You say you feel " Scared, ashmed, dirty, lost, exposed. "
Two thoughts occur to me:
1. is there anything else you can do which would soothe those feelings? For example, could y ou wrap up in bulky clothes to help feel a little less exposed, or take a nice shower/bubble bath as a psychological cleansing.
2. Can you confront them directly, e.g. by writing out affirmations of how the things that happened to you are not your fault (or sj's!) and how they do not make you a bad person.
I guess the other thing I'd say is that it's okay to feel this, particularly scared and lost and exposed. They're very natural. Very nasty things happened to you, so no wonder you're scared. And talking about them would make you feel very exposed. The other ones are understandable (dirtyy, ashamed) but I think they're misguided'.' I think they're ones which it's worth fighting and arguing with, whereas scared and lost and exposed are ones which are worth accepting and recognising and soothing, if that makes sense. they're all okay, I really want to emphasise that. What you feel is what you feel and it's totally legit. it just seems to me that the feelings you're experiencing are sort of on two categories which might merit different approaches.
(((Seradjernie)))