The situation won't change. I still will be in this messy apartment, dealing with my husbands depression. All of those problems will be there. But for a short while, I won't feel as stressed.. Like it will calm me down enough to be able to look at this situation and do something about it.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
A sense of calm.. when I self harm I just numb up for a little while. (light bulb moment.. ) In a way it's like putting myself back in an abusive situation so that I can have that "numb" reaction, and just .. work and do the things that need to get done. Like cleaning, and the phone calls, etc.
It's taking away a certain sense of safety, in that even if I can get stuff done.. I go on this alert for a while that I'm in an abusive situation. I have to be careful, I have to 'survive'. All of those reactions come with the numbness..
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I just want to feel.. like I can do this stuff without having a fit. I've tried so many times to clean, to call people, to get this stuff done.. and I have a panic attack, or this new one - hallucinations... or I just get tired something..
I don't know what it will do, but I do know that in the past when I've hurt myself I have this window of time after that I can function.. even if it's not 'normal' functioning. A Dr. at the hospital has said that this is because of the endorphins that are released.. I've yet to find a way to get that same reaction though. And if I can get a good amount of stuff done (like just cleaning my kitchen/living room) that would help a lot right now.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last at least a few hours, although I know that tomorrow I'll feel like an idiot. But in those few hours, I could get a lot done.. I'm more nervous in the fact that I will feel like an idiot tomorrow and is that going to start off some gross chain reaction? It has in the past.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Well, writing here, thinking about all of the options I have. I could just head into cleaning. I have this very detailed list with lots of things to cross off which always helps me because I actually feel like I've gotten stuff done.
Writing here is taking the edge off, it's putting in a little more perspective than I had not long ago. Since the edge is gone, I could just start at the top of my list... and keep going until I get nervous again and take a break. I generally work for 20 min, break for 10, .. until I'm done. And if I get some stuff done that will benefit me more for tomorrow.
If I actually get something done that change will last until it gets messy again.. but it would help for tomorrow when I make some calls.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself I know I'll feel stupid, like I've let people down, and will have to come up with some strong reasons for my case manager why I don't need to be in the hospital. She can't commit me for that, but because I have an attempt in such recent history she might try..
If I don't hurt myself and write here.. and just get as much cleaning done as I can.. it could go one of two ways. I could get stuff done, and feel great.. read back on this and marvel at my intelligence and wit.. or not get much done because I panic again.. and end up self harming anyway...
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to just feel better.. I think that the self protective instinct is telling me that the chaos of my messy apartment isn't good for me, and that I have to remember to reach out when I feel so overwhelmed.. and if I don't things could get worse. (I loved the post about this because it made so much sense!)
It's telling me "Katy if something doesn't change soon, we are headed toward an emotional Crisis!"... interesting.
Self harming would kind of be like having this river and having a malfunctioning dam, and instead of fixing the dam thats really what's broken.. putting sandbags up. Well, eventually no matter how many sandbags you put up, it's going to be a mess. Instead I should be fixing the dam that's malfunctioning (calling people, working on cleaning, at a reasonable pace)..
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I have a counseling notebook where I keep a log of anxiety, and a few other things that I simply couldn't find tonight. I ended up finding the notebook but now can't find my purse that has several books that I need in it... my husband seems to think that cleaning means just taking things from one place and putting them in a pile somewhere else which really doesn't do much besides make me lose things!
The entire situation led to me feeling frustrated which I just have a really hard time dealing with.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes.. just about every night this week. I took extra seroquel and went to sleep or avoided it all together, a few times I resorted to self harm.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Took my meds, came here, talked to a friend online, done some artwork, reminded myself that if I do self harm it's only going to make my psoriosis worse...
* How do I feel right now?
A lot better.. more calm.. determined. A bit nervous that I'm just going to fail again. Worried I'm not answering these questions right...
A bit scared to be revealing myself out in the open.. shining a light on all my little thoughts.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Nervous, Excited?..
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Right after... probably a bit .. thrilled doesn't seem the right word, but something like that. Almost proud? Probably not good ways to feel about it..
Tomorrow morning? Stupid, idiotic for making my already flaring psorosis worse... conflicted over wether or not telling my husband is a good idea.. nervous about telling dr/ case manager...
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Can't really avoid it, and it's going to continue being a problem until I actually do something about it.. although I might qualify for a homemaker, which I am calling about tomorrow. Homemakers help with this kind of stuff for those that are disabled..
* Do I need to hurt myself?
I'm not sure, going to try and not do it. I have my handy dandy list of things that I can do tonight to clean up some. If I start getting nervous, I can come back to the computer and either play a game, answer e-mail, or talk to someone in the chat for a while...
That all makes a bit of sense. Yay.
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