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Before You Self-Harm

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

I'm sick, I'm in physical pain which I never deal with well. I *think* it's something to do with my new ADs. Either that or I've got flu or something. My Boy is in jail and it hurts, a lot. Being sick is making me hyper aware of how alone I am because normally he'd be looking after me a bit... he's really sweet when I'm not feeling well. I miss it. I feel uncared-for.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

The situation will not change immediately; longer term it may have an impact on my medication when I go to see my doctor again. I'm not sure that's good or bad; I'm desperate to give the Zoloft a good try just in case it works. I'd even be willing to put up with side effects like this if it works well. Feeling shit physically beats the hell out of feeling shit emotionally.

The feeling... I expect I will be calmer. This nagging anxiety will go. I've been on the verge of a panic attack for about three days, apart form all the time I've spent *having* panic attacks, and the odd moment's sleep.

I will go to bed calm. I will sleep a little better.

Then I'll have to go visit my boyfriend tomorrow all cut up, and he won't be disappointed. But it will hurt him because he's not here when I need him. He let me down and it hurts him to see it hurting me. I don't want to hurt him because I love him and things are already hard enough for him at the moment. I don't feel like I have the right to override this for my needs.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring temporary calm, and temporary relief. It may take away some anxiety. It takes away the stress and effort of trying *not* to self-injure. It will bring a lot of problems at work, where I wear short sleeves, and I was hoping to start getting something done about the pain in my hands and arms, but I would prefer not to have fresh injuries when I do that.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I can't answer this I don't think. I don't even really believe there's going to *be* a long run. I can't see it, can't imagine this getting any better. Part of that's that I feel like I'm stagnating.. all mine and my Boy's plans for our life together are on hold, quite likely for the next ten years or so. I can't look ahead because the uncertainty - and my well-grounded fears - for the future are too much to face up to. I need my strength for all the day to day crap.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Probably.. tomorrow sometime. Maybe even into next week.. every time I see it it'll be a reminder that my body is my own and under my control and no-one else's but equally that makes me want to hurt myself again.

failing injuring myself, what I'll do when it wears off is.. I'll make cards. I'll draw, I'll write, I'll knit and cross-stitch and scrapbook. I will clean, watch DVDs, do the laundry and the ironing. I'll write to my Boy and read the letters he's sent me again. All the things I should try and do now.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could do any of the things mentioned above but it';s late and I'm tired. What I really should do is have a shower but the shower in this room freaks me out. I cannot tell you why. In al honesty, I'll probably have a wash, brush my teeth, put some nice body lotion on and go to bed.

I may change my sheets. That would be a nice thing to do for myself instead of a nasty one.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

In all honesty, I will probably feel depressed and deflated and anxious and scared whatever I do. Partly because that's the way I am at the moment. Partly because I either gave into the urge and have failed and am abad person, or I sat here on BUS instead of having a shower and washing hair and doing laundry and and and... there's too much housework to do when you live by yourself. People were meant to live in pairs, I'm sure of it.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to feel safe again, and to me that means my Boy. I want security again instead of waiting on the probation and parole services to decide how badly they're oging to fuck up my life for something *I* didn't do. I want back what I had. It wasn't easy; the good relationships never are but god, I've never felt so loved and wanted, so safe, so secure, so happy as I did during the few months we lived together before this all kicked off. I want that. I want back what those bastard lawyers stole from me.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.


I'm going to go wash, brush teeth and hair (with different brushes!) change bedsheets and make a cup of tea. Then I'm going to curl up with no intention of sleeping because it stresses me, and read a book I really love. Then I'm going to go see my boyfriend tomorrow, and remind myself why I keep this up.

I deserve better than to be hurt by the one person who's in the best position to take care of me.

Mistress, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation right now. It must be very painful dealing with your partner's situation. You came up with a very good list of things to do instead of hurting yourself. I hope that reading, drinking tea, etc. brings you some relief. Be gentle with yourself. I am sorry things are so rough.