Before

[Green Beauty]

# how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will help to take my mind off my current emotions and the current situation/s, it will give me time to focus on me. A chance to do what i want. A chance to hurt myself, and than take care of myself.
# what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring more anger later, but at the moment i want now to be ok, the only thing it will take away from the situation are my emotions, the actual situal will stay the exact same.
# how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel relaxed, i want to feel content, i want to feel happy, hurting myself will bring me further from that feeling, but i've spent far too long fighting this.
# if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Will last me until i go to sleep. Before the effects have a chance to wear off tomorrow will be upon me, if it doesnt i will be in the same position.
# what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could ring my girlfriend but she has no signal, so i am awaiting her phonecall as we had planned. Other than that i have music to distract me. Nothing else. It won't change the situation but talking to her will help calm me.
# how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If i hurt myself part of me will feel proud, the other part of me will just be ashamed, angry, upset and disapointed. If i do the other thing, the situation wouldnt have actually changed so i tomorrow i will feel the same way, speaking to my girlfriend will just help to calm me for part of the night, hopefully all of it.
# what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What do i really want to do? Breakdown. Cry. Hit something. Hit someone. Scream. Crawl in a ball. Disapear. How can i best honour it? I can hurt myself. Give my body what it wants.
# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Hurting myself, will just help me focus attention away from everything that is going wrong around me. Lot's of different situtions have brought me here.
# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes i have, The last time i was here, i gave in, i hurt myself. Other times i have just somehow held on until i can just supress my feelings down again. So they can just arise another day.
# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have music on. I have ate unhealthy foods. There isnt anything i can do, or anywhere to go, i'm in a new environment, i can't do anything.
# How do I feel right now?
Upset, angry, frustrated, like a freak. I am a freak.
# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Calm. Proud. Happy. At ease.
# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel fine for the rest of the night, usually anyway.
# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Situations getting to me are out of my control. I could deal with it better by talking. But i have tried that, and she isnt there. No-one else i trust enough to talk to.
# Do I need to hurt myself?
Part of me says yes. The other, no.

[balletomane]

Hi Alex.

I'm sorry you're feeling angry, upset, and frustrated.

It will help to take my mind off my current emotions and the current situation/s, it will give me time to focus on me. A chance to do what i want. A chance to hurt myself, and than take care of myself.

What if you just take time to focus on yourself and take care of yourself without hurting yourself?

Will last me until i go to sleep. Before the effects have a chance to wear off tomorrow will be upon me, if it doesnt i will be in the same position.

Can you try going to sleep earlier? How about just doing some low-key activities (crosswords, drawing, etc) until it's time for bed?

It's too bad that you can't talk to your girlfriend right now. Could you write out what you want to say? I know it's not the same, but it'd give you something to do until she can call & writing (by hand) can be very cathartic.

Breakdown. Cry. Hit something. Hit someone. Scream. Crawl in a ball. Disapear.

Can you try some of these things (with the exception of hitting someone of course)? Let yourself cry, hit a pillow or a punching bag, crawl in a ball, hide.

I can hurt myself. Give my body what it wants.

Are you sure that's what your body really wants? Is it what your body needs?

You are not a freak. I am sorry you feel like that.


Take care of yourself, Alex. I hope you're doing a bit better by now.

love,
b

[Green Beauty]

Thank you for replying b, i got through the night fine. I managed to speak to my girlfriend and she really wasnt coping well so, although i know it's not that healthy, i could just ignore what i was feeling and put all my focus into helping her and try to comfort her.

I really like the idea of writting out what i would want to say. I can sit down and write letters to her instead, which i have been wanting to do anyway. So i can use that to take my mind off things when i am not coping. Thank you

It really does feel like that is what my body wants, well more what my mind wants anyway. It seems like if i put so much effort into having to fight it, it must be something i want? I don't know..

[balletomane]

I'm glad you made it through okay.