bus

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I just want to put the rage and trappedness somewhere. I'll calm down. I won't be able to think for hurting. I'll be able to *do* something. Hurting myself will be something.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I've got to do something with all this feeling. Anger and hurt and despair. Hurting myself would put that somewhere. I'm so angry right now. My bf would probably dump me. At best he'd be livid. I'm so angry I could do myself serious damage, damage I'll regret.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i don't know.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

'til morning. it would let me get to sleep. in the morning? go to work. what else is there?

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i don't know. this. i keep trying to write an email to my bf explaining how i feel but i haven't yet come up with naything he won't dump me for. just go to bed.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

ashamed? regretful? i don't know. if i don't hurt myself then probably glad. maybe.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

dump some of this surplus emotion. validate how i feel.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

SUnday night. I hate sundays. time to go home after staying at bf's. i'd said yes, could i have a lift, then i started to feel tearful so I said i'd rather just walk actually, but I couldn't help starting to cry as i said that. my bf got upset. why couldn't i just be nice on sundays? he can't cope with hits. if every time he leaves me i cry then he doesn't want to see me again. he wants me to be smiling. it's silly. it's just a weekday. there's no reason why i should be upset by a weekday. it happens every week.

i just ditn' know how to answer that so i just left. now i'm home and i'm so angry and upset with him and i don't know how to handle it. if i say what i'm feeling then he'll dump me or walk away, because i never get any slack cut for me when i'm upset.

i don't knooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww