bus

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

They're just scratches.

* what had happened just before?

Lots of crying. My bf tried to comfort me, and he hugged me lots, and he did mostly right things, but then he started getting practical and telling me I was only not getting work done and not being good enough when I was crying. I was also saying he worked all the time and he said that no he didn't, and look, he was here now when he should be working. Then he left, because he couldn't think what else to do and when he asked me if he could help I said no.

* what were you thinking and feeling?

Angry and useless and frustrated. Angry with yself for getting weepy, and for feeling the way I did. Frustrated because I didn't manage to explain. Upset because those two things were exactly the point: one of my problems is that he works obsessively and in his free time and through pain and stress and everything, and everytime he does that I feel useless and stupid and lazy if I'm not working. Everytime I'm with him and I see him work I feel guilty for not working, only I'm really freaking out about work at the moment. So he'd picked on what I was upset about: feeling guilty for not working through my tears like he would have done, and feeling like I was getting in the way of his work. BEcause that was partly what had got to me in the morning: he'd bounced out of bed an hour early and I didn't want to get up, and he was desperate to get on and it was just rubbing in how much I wasn't despearate to start work and how much I was dreading the morning (he was also leaving after staying wiht me for a week). So - angry, frustrated, at both of us.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

Because I realised I had a good tool in the room that would do what I wanted without leaving me with scars. And I was alone. I guess the final straw was him going, because another part of what was freaking me out was that with him suddenly not here it seemed like awfully empty time that I didn't know how to fill, and I just knew I'd feel that I should be working. He'd offered to come round but then he asked me a time and that freaked me out because I felt like there was nothing in my life and I just wanted him as soon as possible so I didn't have to work, so we decided he wouldn't come. I guess it just a culmination of everything and then he left, and I'd just been crying hysterically, and I turned it inwards and just wanted to make myself hurt. I dont' know: to prove that I know I'm crap. I was going to write words but I didn't in the end. Maybe to prove that I wasn't just "crying for no reason now", that I was really upset. I don't know. I just know that I wanted to hurt physically.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I odn't know. I could have tried to calm myself down. I didn't really try and calm myself down. I let myself get more an dmore worked up. I think I wanted to get worked up: I feel like I've been on a knife edge for at least a month. I've been having ups and downs but I've never resolved the downs and I've not let it all out. So having started crying I didn't really want to pull myself together, but then I also let myself get too upset to explain and talk coherently and come to a rational conclusion and work things out.

And I could have done things before hurting myself, but I didn't *wnat* to do things to make me not hurt myself because I just wanted to hurt myself, if that makes sense. Like I did think of writing positive things about myself but I was hating myself and I wante dto do something to reflect that, not to try and talk myself out of not hating myself.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

No.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I didn't. I didn't want to not self-harm.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I could have written down positives of some sort or another - either about life or about why I'm not shit. I could have made actual plans fo rthe evening so at least it wouldn't have been empty time I had to fill, which would have been one less stress. Though tbh pretty much eveyrthing with triggering self-hate so I'm not sure that would have helped. I could have gone and talked to somebody, or at least posted about how I felt on here. I dunno, I didn't want to post on here. I knew it was just a feeling, but I didn't want to accpe that. I couldn't ahve posted self-hating stuff on here, and I didn't wnat to say "I feel like I am x". I guess I wanted to honour how I really was feeling, and that was pretty self-hating, so that meant hurtin myself somehow.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Not really. I still don't have a plan for what I@m going to do this evening. I'm just back to my normal level of freakedness about life and work, with the added wieght that my bf told me to tell him if I wanted to see him and I don't know whether I do or not. I'm thinking of going and trying to talk to the chaplain about how I feel but I'm just feeling really fragile, like I'll start bawling again any minute. I dont' think the feelings have really gone; they're just not so urgent. I just want to hide, really. But I'm holding a meeting at 4:30 so I guess I'll have to go to that. I don't know how to resolve the "I'm dating a workaholic who adores his job" problem. I just dread it. Over breakfast the folder comes out; last thing at night the folder comes out. SEems like every free momentthe folder comes out. I was helping him shower and he was still thinking about work. Now I know that's becasue he enjoys his work - he calls it "directed play" - but I just can't cope with it. I'm afraid I need to work like that to get a phd, I'm afraid I need to likeit that much or care that much and I don't. And I because I feel chronically inadequate I need excuses like "it's the weekend, it's an evengin" to justify not working, and then he goes and he's working and I feel like I should be as well only I don't want to and it sends me into a panic. I dont' know how to fix that, even if I talk to him. And I have no fucking idea how I'm going to survive next term with everything I've got scheduled and this degree of insecurity.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yes. I'll be weepy. I'll feel empty. I'll hate myself.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I dunno. Right now I'm not sure I want to not si. Main reason is that my bf freaks out and gets really angry, plus I don't want more scars. But I'm not sure I really want to not be hurting myself.