bus

*how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The actual situation won't change. My feelings will, because I will be able to relax and hopefully sleep tonight.

*what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Bring- pain, sense of failure, some calmness
Take away- edginess, negative feelings (which I can't quite identify at the moment).

*how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't even know how I feel right now. I know long term, I do not want SI as part of my life. Right this minute, however, I kinda do want it, even though I know it isn't a good choice for me.

*if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Maybe overnight...maybe not. Distract or SI again.

*what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
posting, go to bed, eat something. None of htem change the situation and other than binging, they don't change the feelings either. I don't know...I have been putting up with the feelings for quite a while, but I am not sure what to do with them.

*how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel bad either way. I always feel bad in the mornings. After that...I don't know. I wish I could feel proud of myself if I don't SI, but that hasn't happened yet.

*what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really can't answer this. I don't know. Right now I can't think clearly enough to rationalize that I can honor the instinct without acting on it.

*Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am upset about recent problems on the board...not just the recent rule violations, but also conflict about Spirit, and other stuff. I feel like my support isn't a support anymore and that BUS would be a better place for others if I left. Even though I know it isn't logical, that is how I feel right now.
Because of that, I feel like I have hurt other people by being here, by speaking up, by failing to handle mod duties well...lots of failure. Some sense that punishment is in order, but more I am just having too many feelings that I don't know what to do with...I want them to stop. I want to be able to sleep tonight. I want to be able to cope with work tomorrow.

*Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I have been and I am here often. Sometimes I SI and sometimes I don't. There is no real difference in how depressed I am afterward, although SI does bring short term relief. If I don't SI, I am probably going to have nightmares. But if I do, then I have to figure out how large of a setback it is and if I can keep trying to quit.

*What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Posted on BUS, read stuff, and PMed. Other than the PMs, most of it has upset me more. I haven't tried anything else for the past couple hours, although I did other stuff earlier in the day...stayed around people, locked up my purse (which has my tool in it) so that it would be hard to get to, etc. Nothing that helped with the feelings.

*How do I feel right now?
Very edgy. Upset. Like if I hold still I might cry and I don't want to cry, so I can't hold still. Like....I don't know.

*How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Focused. Present.

*How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
At first I will feel a lot calmer, especially if I can make sure that it stings all night. Tomorrow...I will probably feel bad about it, but I might be happy I did it. I don't know.

*Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I hope I can deal with it better...but I don't know how. I could avoid it by leaving BUS, but then I don't have any support, and I don't think that will help much either.

*Do I need to hurt myself?
No. I can continue the way I have been and put it off and distract. But eventually I am going to have to find a way to handle the feelings and I don't know how to do that right now.

NobodyToYou wrote:*How do I feel right now?
Very edgy. Upset. Like if I hold still I might cry and I don't want to cry, so I can't hold still. Like....I don't know.

what would happen if you cried? would si just postpone having to deal with the feelings or would they go away?

might just be my personal opinion, but i think you are bringing an important opinion to the sprit discussion and i think your points are just as valid as the other ppl posting.

hope you don't mind the questions.

Questions and comments are very welcome.
I didn't SI last night. While I know that is a good thing, I kinda regret it. I would have slept better if I had. I wouldn't be so upset this morning if I had.
SI rarely changes the feelings, although sometimes it gives me space from them until the situations change. I know it would not have helped in the long term. Still wanting to SI now, though...don't know how to deal with the feelings. I need them to stop or weaken or change or something. But they don't.
As for crying...I don't know if I really could or not. I usually can't when I feel like it and occassionally do when I really don't want to. If I had cried last night...I don't know. I am not sure if anything would have been different or not.