Before. <abuse>
Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 2:07 pm
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because I was "triggered" by someone talking about their daughter self injuring, and being abused... (they were on another chat room altogether so noone at bus). I was reminded how my mother did not look after me. Would not. She must have known but she just let it happen. She asked me to come back home into an abusive situation time and time again and it was because she was selfish. Not because she had her daughters best interests. I keep thinking that I would never do this to my daughter and she isn't even born yet: I wouldn't do this to my step daughter either.. or my step son.
I keep thinking how she is either very mentall sick, like people say, or she cannot love me because I unlovable. I am a waste of space. I am a nothing. I am just here to protect her.... and I have failed very badly at that since I left. I don't want her near me. I don't want her to ring me anymore.... but I do want her too... I don't know. I feel like I need to punish myself for not being a good enough daughter.
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will do What I feel I need. It will even things out in my mind.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring pain, punishment, and devestation and anxiety. It will take away the feeling like noone has punished me enough.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I will feel bad about this in the long run. I will feel more guilty than I do now. I will feel very stupid if I hurt myself.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last a couple of hours. Then I will want to do it again. Or start smoking again. I can't do either of those things. I refuse to damn it.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am doing that something now.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be told that I am looked after and that noone will ever hurt me again. And I can't have that reasurance. I can't have it. Because we all know that there is always a chance. I want to be held. I want to be told it will be ok. It won't be ok though.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes... and I self injured. I felt stupid.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I haven't done anything. I have just sat here and sulked. I could watch TV or read or do something. I am very mad at myself.
* How do I feel right now?
Sad. Scared
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes, I can and I will... because I have to. I have no choice.
Because I was "triggered" by someone talking about their daughter self injuring, and being abused... (they were on another chat room altogether so noone at bus). I was reminded how my mother did not look after me. Would not. She must have known but she just let it happen. She asked me to come back home into an abusive situation time and time again and it was because she was selfish. Not because she had her daughters best interests. I keep thinking that I would never do this to my daughter and she isn't even born yet: I wouldn't do this to my step daughter either.. or my step son.
I keep thinking how she is either very mentall sick, like people say, or she cannot love me because I unlovable. I am a waste of space. I am a nothing. I am just here to protect her.... and I have failed very badly at that since I left. I don't want her near me. I don't want her to ring me anymore.... but I do want her too... I don't know. I feel like I need to punish myself for not being a good enough daughter.
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will do What I feel I need. It will even things out in my mind.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring pain, punishment, and devestation and anxiety. It will take away the feeling like noone has punished me enough.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I will feel bad about this in the long run. I will feel more guilty than I do now. I will feel very stupid if I hurt myself.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last a couple of hours. Then I will want to do it again. Or start smoking again. I can't do either of those things. I refuse to damn it.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am doing that something now.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to be told that I am looked after and that noone will ever hurt me again. And I can't have that reasurance. I can't have it. Because we all know that there is always a chance. I want to be held. I want to be told it will be ok. It won't be ok though.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes... and I self injured. I felt stupid.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I haven't done anything. I have just sat here and sulked. I could watch TV or read or do something. I am very mad at myself.
* How do I feel right now?
Sad. Scared
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes, I can and I will... because I have to. I have no choice.