Before. <abuse>

[silent_scream]

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Because I was "triggered" by someone talking about their daughter self injuring, and being abused... (they were on another chat room altogether so noone at bus). I was reminded how my mother did not look after me. Would not. She must have known but she just let it happen. She asked me to come back home into an abusive situation time and time again and it was because she was selfish. Not because she had her daughters best interests. I keep thinking that I would never do this to my daughter and she isn't even born yet: I wouldn't do this to my step daughter either.. or my step son.

I keep thinking how she is either very mentall sick, like people say, or she cannot love me because I unlovable. I am a waste of space. I am a nothing. I am just here to protect her.... and I have failed very badly at that since I left. I don't want her near me. I don't want her to ring me anymore.... but I do want her too... I don't know. I feel like I need to punish myself for not being a good enough daughter.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will do What I feel I need. It will even things out in my mind.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring pain, punishment, and devestation and anxiety. It will take away the feeling like noone has punished me enough.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I will feel bad about this in the long run. I will feel more guilty than I do now. I will feel very stupid if I hurt myself.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last a couple of hours. Then I will want to do it again. Or start smoking again. I can't do either of those things. I refuse to damn it.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I am doing that something now.


* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to be told that I am looked after and that noone will ever hurt me again. And I can't have that reasurance. I can't have it. Because we all know that there is always a chance. I want to be held. I want to be told it will be ok. It won't be ok though.



* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes... and I self injured. I felt stupid.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I haven't done anything. I have just sat here and sulked. I could watch TV or read or do something. I am very mad at myself.

* How do I feel right now?

Sad. Scared

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?


Yes, I can and I will... because I have to. I have no choice.

[Smeagol]

Hi Kazz,

I keep thinking that I would never do this to my daughter and she isn't even born yet: I wouldn't do this to my step daughter either.. or my step son.

Keep focussing on that. *You're* not going to be like that and that's because it's not a good way to treat your kids. You're not unloveable. Hell, you were loveable enough that your husband fell in love with you from a continent away. That's pretty special. Sometimes parents don't care. That's a problem with *them*, not with the people that they fail. You are not unloveable.

I am just here to protect her.... and I have failed very badly at that since I left. I don't want her near me. I don't want her to ring me anymore.... but I do want her too... I don't know. I feel like I need to punish myself for not being a good enough daughter.

You were never here to protect her. She was there to protect you and you failed. She was an adult; you were not. And now you're an adult but that doesn't mean she gets to foist responsibility on to you. I can understand that it doesn't feel that way, but tha'ts part of the wrong she has done you, not a reflection of how things are. You have been a good daughter. By the sounds of it, you did more for your mum than many people I know who had parents who doted on them and gave them everything.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to be told that I am looked after and that noone will ever hurt me again. And I can't have that reasurance. I can't have it. Because we all know that there is always a chance. I want to be held. I want to be told it will be ok. It won't be ok though.

It's not true that nobody will ever hurt you again, but it is true that there are people who care about you and will do their best to look after you. It is also true that if anybody tries to hurt you now, you are in a very different position to the one you were in in the past. You are an adult, and you are more able to look after your needs than when you were a kid. The balance is tipped in your favour these days.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I haven't done anything. I have just sat here and sulked. I could watch TV or read or do something. I am very mad at myself.

Why were you mad at yourself?


Take care, Kazz.

Gwylan