Before. *Replies Welcomed*

[(*Haven*)]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

The thing is, I don't know what has caused me to feel like I want to SI. I think I want to cry. And I don't normally allow myself to cry. Sometimes, in order to allow myself to cry, I cut. But there's nothing saying that I WILL cry even if I do cut.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I'll have to deal with taking care of the cuts. Which is new to me. I normally don't take care of them. This seems to be the typical answer for me for this particular question. I may or may not cry if I do choose to hurt myself. I will feel better if I could get through this without cutting.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel good that I got through the urges without harming myself. I'm not going to set myself up for failure by stating that I'm not going to harm myself. I have been giving in too easily to the urges and haven't worked on fighting them. If I do end up hurting myself, I will not hate myself for it. I will live with it and know that the next time these urges hit, I can attempt to get through them again without acting on them.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I'm not sure how long the relief will last. It all depends on the upcoming moments, what happens and how I handle them.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could work on my apartment and get it cleaned up just a little. A clean area always makes me feel better, if even just a little. I've noticed that I take better care of myself when I'm in a clean enviornment. It's difficult for me to keep my apartment clean, so I don't know how long until I feel run down again.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will probably be upset. It won't click until tomorrow exactly what I did until tomorrow. Until I can actually take a look at the cuts and know what they need. If I do something else, I will feel better, and know that I CAN make it through urges.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to cut. I really want to cry.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes. And most of the time I cut. Most of the time I've been able to cry, if even just a little.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've talked to a friend on the phone. She's calling me every so often to check on me. She's suggested some things I can do to try to keep my mind off what I want to do to myself. I've posted in my place, and I'm posting this. I'm reaching out, if ever so slightly, and that is not common place. I am going to try cleaning a little bit, and maybe writing in my journal.

How do I feel right now?

Scared because I'm very unsure of myself. I don't know if I can make it without hurting myself. I'm at a war. I know I can make it, but I also know I can hurt myself.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

It will ease some of what I'm feeling, and I will be able to let out some emotion.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?


I think I will be upset. I won't know how bad it really is until I've had time to calm myself down.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I need to learn to tell myself that it's alright to cry without having to cause myself physical pain to let the tears fall.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Most of the time I answer yes to this question without even thinking things out. Do I need to hurt myself? No. Do I want to hurt myself? Yes. There's a difference there. A need is something that you can't live without. I'm not ready to give up cutting, but I need to know that it's still there as an option. A want is something that you can survive without, but would like to have. I can survive this moment without cutting, even though I would like to.

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I have to say, this is the most insightful "Before" post I think I've ever made...

~*Haven*~