After....*SI* Replies okay

[(*Haven*)]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

I got the bleeding to stop, then washed the area...I'll put stuff on the cuts after I make sure the area is completely dry and the bleeding has completely stopped.


what had happened just before?

I am upset because of something having to do with my therapist. It is nothing she has done to cause this. She herself would never do anything to make me harm myself.

what were you thinking and feeling?

I was having suicidal thoughts, putting something together in my head. I don't want to do anything while my therapist is away. It would crush her. I'm thinking about leaving her. I don't know if I'd go see another therapist. I probably wouldn't. I need to release my emotions. I didn't want to reach out and was becoming angry at myself each time I did.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I was angry at myself for reaching out. I was angry about my thoughts about my therapist. I was getting a lot built up....I was just upset.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I was thinking about how much I needed to quit seeing my therapist. I'm truly afraid of losing her because we've been together for two years. I was angry for reaching out to a friend. I didn't want to worry her and I knew it was wrong. I hate reaching out when I'm upset and when I'm on the verge of cutting. I don't think anything could have stopped me from eventually cutting or doing worse.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

No. I thought about drinking, but realized that wasn't good, as the last time I drank it was the night before I had a therapy appointment and I got completely trashed. I haven't had a drink of alcohol for 23 days. And that's really good for me.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I hated that I was reaching out and that made it worse. I guess this moment had been building up all day and it just let lose. I tried writing earlier this afternoon. I figured at this point nothing else would work.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I don't think anything would have helped. I know that doesn't sound like a good reason, not trying anything else. But I let myself get past the point of nothing else working and I knew I was past that point.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I hate that I let myself get too far involved in my feelings towards my therapist before I realized how far I had really gotten. I didn't think they'd cause me to harm myself. I know what I need to change now but I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, other than to stop seeing her. Things are not resolved at all.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I will be in this place again, I know that. I don't know what I'll do. It will depend where I'm at, when I end up in this place. That will decide if I see it or not early enough to stop myself from hurting myself.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I don't like committing to anything. I will try to write about it....That's about the best solution I can give right now. Watch a movie, or sleep if the time is right.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

It was there. And I couldn't hold off any longer.


Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

I think it was kind of a mix. I could have changed the fact that the opportunity was there, but I never did. Then it became available, and more open to take it. And I had no one to try to stop me.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

I would have hoped that it would go away. I may have taken time to write about it. If my therapist was here, it would have been different.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

It would have increased....And could have been worse.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

The right feeling. The point of no return....When I get to that point, it just happens. Tonight wasn't planned. Most of the time it isn't. It had built up and then boiled over all of a sudden and that was it. I couldn't stop myself.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

I would feel lost. I'm not ready to give up self harm. I'm not to that point. I've gotten closer, but I'm not there.

~*Haven*~

[Wandering]

Hey, sorry to hear you didn't make it. Its good that you've posted here though, and that you're taking care of your injuries.

I let myself get past the point of nothing else working and I knew I was past that point.

How do you think you can recognise you're getting close to that point "of no return" in future, and stop yourself before it? It sounds (to me) like if you could realise you're on the way to SIing, and took steps sooner to release that tension in a healthy way, you could avoid SIing. I know you've said you're not ready to stop SIing completely yet, but the fact that you've posted here shows that you at least want to understand the way you act a bit better, and get more control over it? If you have some ways you can stop yourself getting to that point where nothing will work, those techniques will be there for the times you decide not to SI.

Hope I've made some sense
Andi x

[(*Haven*)]

Sometimes it might be difficult for me to recognize that moment, just because it may hit me all of a sudden.

If I'm going into a situation I know my trigger me (like going home to my mother's house), I know that I probably won't be able to do any "serious" cutting until she goes to bed. Knowing that, I can usually calm myself down before doing anything "serious". I go for my journal pretty much the moment she goes to bed since I can't journal till then when I'm at home.

If something is building up, like in the case of this incident, I think it would be best if I could "step outside myself" and look at the situation. I have an idea of what will happen now. This was the first "major" cutting I've done in a while. And my therapist is gone. I didn't want it to go this far with her gone, for a few reasons. Now I have, and I'm facing the fact I'll have to tell her when I next see her, and what she may say to me.

I wasn't expecting to stay safe the entire time she was gone. But I wasn't expecting it to get this bad either.

Don't really know if that answered anything Andi. But thank you for replying.

~*Haven*~