bus

The immediate situation is that I was watching a drama show on television last night (it's early morning now) and it unexpectedly contained a graphic episode of self injury. Images set me off much more than words do. I find it hard to get the picture out of my head. I'm not upset as much as sentimentally longing for SI.

Some other stuff behind... I'm anxious.

Late last night, b/f had to take a friend to Emergency because of a very painful (though not dangerous) condition.

Am waiting for a decision from the employment office, I was supposed to get it one and a half month ago but nobody called, and the guy I have been talking to went on a long vacation so I won't be able to reach him until hopefully next week. I hate waiting.

Going back to therapy on Monday after a two month break.

Have been mostly offline for a couple of weeks, first because I went on trips and then due to technology malfunctioning. Not comfortable posting now (though I figure not many people read B&A so it won't matter as much if I sound stupid here )

Another layer... thinking I don't belong with other people. A general feeling. It doesn't matter much if people express positive feelings towards me, I can't take that in properly. I don't see myself as excluded, but unable to participate. It makes me feel ashamed, flawed.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I could escape into numbness for a little while.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring drama that would divert from feeling anxious and ashamed.
It would make things seem simpler for a little while.

It would take away some stress about getting better ("If you don't even try in the first place, you can't fail")
It would probably take away some of my boyfriend's trust in me because I just told him how I was doing better in regards to the self injury.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel more secure in myself.

Am feeling ambivalent because in one way, hurting myself does make me feel stronger when I take the pain (I hate pain), though it makes me weaker in that it further alienates me from people.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Maybe only a few minutes, but right now a few minutes seem like a long time.

Don't know what I would do then.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could try to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Early mornings are my worst time...

If no sleep, I could listen to music and keep my hands busy with a game until the worst passes.

I could write a letter to a friend, so I feel that I at least do some little thing to try to reach out and not isolate myself.

Just momentary things really. I can't make time pass quicker so Monday is over with. I don't know how to be more comfortable around people.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself, I would feel both relieved and very sorry to be back in that place.

If I don't, I would feel both sad to not have access to the relief of SI, and a little proud for resisting temptation.

I don't much like having mixed feelings but I don't think I can avoid that.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

My feelings are very mixed but I need to hold on to the belief that hurting myself would not be good for me.

It's always difficult when something graphic catches you off guard. But from what I've read, it sounds as though you really don't want to SI. You listed some very good coping mechanisms, and I sincerely hope you try them.

I can understand the feeling about not belonging with other people. That is something I'm struggling with currently.

Hang in there, and continue using this thread if you need to. Take care of yourself.

I can very much relate to feeling like you don't belong and isolating yourself. For me, what works is forcing myself to go out and be around people and not allowing myself to isolate further. Even if it's only going to the store to buy a fruit or to the local pub/restaurant to have a coke. Is there anything like that you could do? Would it help?

It sounds (correct me if I'm wrong) as though you're quite lonely? Maybe you could find some activity that you could do with other people? I know that's really hard to do when you're depressed, but for me, it helps.

Try to hang in there.

Thank you for replying, notmardy and Mia. It does help me a lot to be able to write things out here.

I have been able to hold off hurting myself so far, though I'm feeling a little shaky again this morning. Mornings are the worst. Yesterday I managed by drowning myself in music and then going to sleep for an hour, then was busy most of the afternoon with trying together with my son (who did most of the work) to get the internet connection to work again on all the computers. I was feeling ok'ish at night.

Mian wrote:It sounds (correct me if I'm wrong) as though you're quite lonely? Maybe you could find some activity that you could do with other people?

Yes and no - I do have a family, live with my boyfriend and my 18-year old son, so I'm rarely alone. But my two closest friends live far away from me. One is abroad for an extended period of time (though we still speak on the phone), one doesn't have a phone or a computer.

I have no problem with being around people I don't know, like going to the store. Sometimes I go to the busy mall to window shop just to relax. It's when I have to interact with people... I have to know them well before I'm comfortable. And even then, I don't think I'm as good as they are.

Right before this week, I actually spent time around people. First I visited my older son and his girlfriend - that was mostly fine, I don't feel so stressed around them. But then I and b/f went to see his relatives in Stockholm, and although it was only a couple of days and everything was nice, I broke down and cried.

It didn't use to be this bad. I guess I feel a lot of shame about my mental health issues, the hospitalizations and the cutting and being on medication. It doesn't matter that I don't judge other people with similar issues, I still judge myself. Even here on bus I can feel as if I'm crazier than all the "normal" people here.

Oh well. I'm not going to give in to the urges today, if through sheer stubbornness. Want to be able to tell T tomorrow that I have gone the whole summer without SI.