bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the feeling will be gone. i'm not sure exactly what the situation is. mostly free-floating, severe anxiety.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring: instant relief from emotion. punishment i deserve. worry about how my T will take it since i've never actively si'd while seeing her
take away: sense of accomplishment cuz i won't have made it thru w/o si'ing.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want the feeling to go away. i don't want to have freefloating anxiety. i want to be healed and not be triggered by random shit.
hurting myself will NOT get me closer. but right now i don't really care.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief may last minutes, hours or a day or more. i really don't know anymore how long one time of si will work for me. after it quits working? maybe si more? maybe overeat? maybe actually journal or do a craft project or something healthy.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i can hang tough for 20 minutes till i leave to see T. i could drink more water. i could get the clohtes out of the dryer before they wrinkle. i could take the pain med and hope my back quits hurting so bad.
none will last long...but long enuf for it to be time to go to T.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
pro-hurt: worried that coworkers will tell i'm in pain. angry at myself for giving in when i haven't marked my body in so long. guilty!
pro-not si: glad i didn't si, perhaps urgy to si, perhaps not. glad that at least some chores are done.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want a hug. i want a tranquilizer. i want to be able to tell T how terribly bad it is. i want to call my pcp and tell him the meds aren't working. i want more sleep. i want to be pain-free (physical pain).


ok, i need to get ready to go. i guess this worked for now since i haven't si'd and just have time to fold clothes then leave. but i still really wanna si. *sigh*

swannie,
i'm glad posting helped, even if only by taking up time before seeing your t. good for you for posting! you'll probably feel a lot better telling your t you wanted to si than telling her you just si'd.
hope your appt went well.
here's a hug:
and another:
and one more:
hope you're feeling lots better.
microsue

thanx sue. at the time i didn't feel better. but now i am so glad i didn't give in and si.