Here it goes " After" (responses welcome)

[aloneagain]

*Have you taken care of your physical wounds?
Yes

*What happened just before?
I cut numerous times that day (Monday). First was no big trigger, just needed to let go. 2nd I was going through pictures of SI on the internet, cut, then went to my appointment with my psychiatrist. We created a plan that included going in for stitches then going to a place where I would be safe. 3rd and final, I was able to find childcare. The kids were gone so I finished the job. Had a VERY hard time stopping. Didn't get as big or long of a release than what I had been getting since I started SIing again. Had around 4 years without.

*What were you thinking or feeling?
I was rationalizing the need to do it. Thinking of the response that I will get if my family finds out, if my husband finds out, and how to explain my new ooboo to my boys. (ages 1 and 3.) Eventially go so overwhelmed, I did it. And continued to when I had the chance.

*Why did you end up hurting yourself then? Was there a final straw?
I'm not real sure why then. I have been doing it daily or everyother for a while. I guess this time I dedn't get the positive from the superficial so I kept going. The final straw has been there for a while. Family issues.

*How did the situation get to the final straw?
Well, each day I had been getting closer. Lots of changes recently. First is a relapse of my depression. Then I accepted my husband's daughter (from an affair) into my home and into my heart. It's not her fault this happened to her. 3 months later he packs a few things and moves in with his girlfriend (of 2+ years). Only to return a week later. Stayed at home a week then moved back in with her. Now he's wanting back again. I still love him but can't take the heart breaks anymore. Not only do I lose him, but the baby and my 7 year old stepdaughter also. The boys have been acting up very naughty. I just couldn't take it anymore. There are many points where I could have made different decisions.

*Were there outside factors?
Poor sleep, that's it.

* what other ways of coping did I try?
Diversion, meditation, relaxation, standing up for what I feel and believe, loving up my kids, taking short breaks (1-2 hours) away from the kids, spending time here with you guys, buying fish and setting up new aquariums, rearranging the house so it is more mine than ours. some of these were effective at times, others were completely useless.

*Retrospect, any other coping mechanisims Might have helped?
I know I should call the Crisis Center it is part of my plan, but just couldn't do it. The urges were too strong. I just wanted toSI and nothing was going to stop me. I had been planning where I was going to do it and visualizing what it would be like. It was past the point of no return.

*Name 2 ways to remember these coping methods.
First, I know if I cut, it is likely I will get a 51-15 (involuntary comitment) to inpatient. (that's what happened Monday) I will keep my relapse plan available and easy to get to.

*How do you feel about the situation leading up to it.
I already know I will do it again. I'm not ready to give it up right now. It is the only sense of contol I feel I have. I will try other things first. The situation is not resolved, if anything it continues to become more stressful. I will continue to talk out my feelings and stand my ground at home (I hope)

*Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it?
Yes. Not sure I will recognize it before it is too late.

*What will you try before resorting to SI?
1. Coming here, read about making it through. Post a Before
2. Call Crisis center, counselor or phychiatrist before.
3. Try to remain around people.

[balletomane]

Sorry the responses are slow to come. It can take a while in before and after.

I hope that answering the questions helped.

It sounds like you are in the midst of an extremely stressful situation.

Reading your responses, I see a lot of positive things, even if you did end up hurting yourself.

There are many points where I could have made different decisions.

That is a very important (and difficult) realization to make.

Diversion, meditation, relaxation, standing up for what I feel and believe, loving up my kids, taking short breaks (1-2 hours) away from the kids, spending time here with you guys, buying fish and setting up new aquariums, rearranging the house so it is more mine than ours. some of these were effective at times, others were completely useless.

I think this is also very positive. Standing up for yourself is a very brave and effective thing to do. It sounds like you tried a lot of very healthy things. Which of these things helped the most? What other activities are similar to those which you found helpful?

I'm not ready to give it up right now. It is the only sense of contol I feel I have.

What other things do you have control over? Not being ready to give up SI right now is fair enough. It sounds like you are working hard to find other ways to cope, which is good. I hope you will do what is necessary to keep yourself safe. Right now, it doesn't need to be about giving up SI forever. I think taking it day by day and making the best choices you can in the moment is the most important thing.

Are you able to see your psychiatrist or therapist more frequently? Are you in a support group? Do you feel like you have more support now that things are so difficult? If not, are there places you can get more support?

Take care.