moon raver's before and after masterpost

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have
what had happened just before?
my mom had brought my friend home after we spent the day together, doing nails and facials. it was a fun day, so i don't know why i felt i had to cut.
what were you thinking and feeling?
because she's in college and i dropped out at 15, i must be a failure. so i binged. then i felt guilty and like a failure, so i cut.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i was alone
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
unbalanced eating (restricting all day, then binging), lack of sleep, stressful situations.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try other ways of coping
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, i could have written in my journal or read a book. i could have done school work
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will snap a rubber band or post a note on the fridge
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved. i should show my mother what i've done and try to talk it through with her. or i could journal about itor hang out with my brother
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will recognize it when, as always, i feel that desperate, itchy feeling
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
read a book
paint a picture
do school work

[treasure]

*slight challenge*

yes, i will recognize it when, as always, i feel that desperate, itchy feeling

i did not try other ways of coping

why didn't you try other ways of coping? if you know why, then maybe you can address that. some reasons might be that si is more effective, or that you don't see any of the negative consequences to si so there's no 'real harm'. one thing i struggled with is that si is personal and private - i can cope without having to rely on anyone else. it sounds a bit like asking for comfort from your mum and company from your brother is something you feel able to do after si but not before si? do you prefer being independent and isolated with your feelings? does si change something?

[moon raver]

6-12-2015 friday


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will not
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring relief, shame, paranoia. it will take away anxiety and hopelessness
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
relieved of anxiety. it will bring me "one step closer, two steps back"
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
momentarily, i would probably SH more if that happens
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
watching star trek, drawing or painting, listening to WTNV, the relief will last a lot longer than SH
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel ashamed and depressed if i hurt myself, if i use coping skills or go to sleep i will wake up feeling better
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i could go to sleep, let myself rest off the anxious feelings
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
because i'm a terrible person
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, i would usually self harm
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
listening to music and writing
How do I feel right now?
anxious, angry at my memories
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
ashamed, disgusted, paranoid
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
yes, i can go to bed, i'm very tired
Do I need to hurt myself?
no

after beating an urge 6-12-2015
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes, i used HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) and decided i was tired
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
tired. i felt very drowsy and was starting to think about stuff
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i went to sleep
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes, because they honored the self protective instinct
Why do I think they worked?
because going to sleep made the blades harder to get to (because i was sleeping) and got my mind off things
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't think i can, i just have to deal with the urges as they come

after beating an urge 6-13-2015
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
no
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i listened to WTNV
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no... i mean, they worked, but i could have also done other things. but that doesn't matter, the only thing that does is that i didn't SH
Why do I think they worked?
because it got my mind off my urge
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't think i can

[moon raver]

*slight challenge*

yes, i will recognize it when, as always, i feel that desperate, itchy feeling

i did not try other ways of coping

why didn't you try other ways of coping? if you know why, then maybe you can address that. some reasons might be that si is more effective, or that you don't see any of the negative consequences to si so there's no 'real harm'. one thing i struggled with is that si is personal and private - i can cope without having to rely on anyone else. it sounds a bit like asking for comfort from your mum and company from your brother is something you feel able to do after si but not before si? do you prefer being independent and isolated with your feelings? does si change something?

hmmmm... you've given me a bit to think about. i guess i don't really try other ways of coping because i don't see the negative consequences. i think if i give myself time to think before i si then i can beat the urges, like i did last night and today... because i thought about my mom and girlfriend. and brother.

[moon raver]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation won't change, but my feelings will change because i will be more calm
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring anxiety, paranoia, depression, it will take away my happy feelings about the day
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel strong, like i've conquered something difficult
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last until i go to bed, then i will go to sleep
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could listen to music or WTNV or color or paint or cuddle my brother
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i hurt myself i will feel ashamed, guilty, anxious, depressed, if i don't, i will feel strong
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i could take good care of myself and do something opposite of my feelings. i could use opposite action.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
because i feel "fat" and hated, because a lady at the movie theater called me a "fat effer"
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, i usually stopped eating or self harmed
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
came on bus and answered before questions. i could take a few melatonin and go to sleep.
How do I feel right now?
i feel kinda numb, self hatred, disgusted
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relief, calm, "mother instinct"
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
after, i will feel ashamed, tomorrow i will feel depressed
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can deal with it better by ignoring what people say about me
Do I need to hurt myself?
yes? i know the correct answer is no, but i do.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about earlier today when i was at the movie theater, and i had left the theater to go to the bathroom and as i was walking down the hall i saw a family that couldn't get into the movie because there were too many tickets and not enough seats, i heard the manager say he would make sure they were first in line for the next showing, and as i was passing them to go into the theater showing the movie they wanted to see, the mother said "see? these fat effers..."
i can't even talk about how it makes me feel, i'm so triggered.
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought "i'm fat" and felt like a failure, disgusted in myself
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i was alone and i had the opportunity to, there was a final straw, it was when i was talking about it with my friend
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
could have not been alone, could have gone in my mom's room to lay down with her
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep. i'm tired. unbalanced eating (restricting and binging)
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried binging, which made me feel worse, and i tried answering before questions
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have listened to welcome to night vale
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will always have my phone with me to listen to WTNV and i will write on my hand as a reminder
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not, i still feel shit
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will recognize it by the empty painful feeling
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
listen to music
or WTNV
or draw WTNV

[treasure]

maybe do this only if the feelings are a bit calmer, or if you can make a promise to yourself to try healthy ways of coping...

i'm curious - there are probably other thoughts in between "i'm fat" and feeling really horrible. it sounds like a spiral of things - negative thoughts leading to feelings which lead to more negative thoughts. can you write down some of these thoughts and then re-frame them into more positive thinking?

[moon raver]

maybe do this only if the feelings are a bit calmer, or if you can make a promise to yourself to try healthy ways of coping...

i'm curious - there are probably other thoughts in between "i'm fat" and feeling really horrible. it sounds like a spiral of things - negative thoughts leading to feelings which lead to more negative thoughts. can you write down some of these thoughts and then re-frame them into more positive thinking?

that's what i was thinking too, like, "fat" isn't a feeling?
also, feeling "fat" actually is a thought?
and therefore, leads to other, deeper thoughts and feelings?
sorry for all the question marks?
but yeah, i may do this when i don't have such a big headache

[moon raver]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will still have the feelings, they'll just be dulled
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring itchy arms and scars
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel relief. it will bring me closer to that goal
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last a few hours. in which case i will probably distract myself
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could draw, i could watch netflix or youtube, i could (TMI?) masturbate (def tmi, but it can be a coping skill)
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow i will feel ashamed if i hurt myself, i will feel good if i do those other things
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to get rid of these memories, so i could distract myself to honor my self-protective instinct
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
remembering trauma
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i usually would cut to deal with it
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i've come on bus and answered these questions. i could make a list of coping skills
How do I feel right now?
i feel kinda anxious and unsafe
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
safe, in control
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
after, i will feel relieved, tomorrow i will feel ashamed
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can take better care of myself in the future
Do I need to hurt myself?
i technically don't need to, but it would make me feel a lot better.

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, this occurred yesterday
what had happened just before?
my aunt told me about sexual abuse she had suffered as a teenager by her boyfriend at the time, and it made me feel overwhelmed
what were you thinking and feeling?
i thought "why doesn't she tell somebody? she would feel a lot better if she did!" i felt overwhelmed by the information, this is the second time she has told me things like that
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because i felt the feeling then and there, and i felt anxious and desperate
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i was talking online with a crisis counselor and i felt it was making things worse, so i cut. i guess i could have told my mom what had happened, instead of talking with a crisis counselor. maybe she could have gotten my aunt help and explained why i told
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i don't think i had been taking my night meds, due to just plain forgetting
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking to a crisis counselor on crisischat.org it worked for a few minutes, then made things worse
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yes, talking to my mom, or my friends, or studying or watching the walking dead
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will draw butterflies on my arm to remind myself not to cut
i will wear my pentagram necklace to remind me to harm none
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it has not been resolved, i still feel overwhelmed
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, because i'm still thinking about what my aunt told me
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try posting on online forums such as this one and ryl
i will study
i will write a poem or journal entry

[treasure]

hi moon raver. do you remember what happened with the crisis chat to make things feel worse? that sounds like a key to understanding why you continued to feel overwhelmed instead of feeling any better. talking to a counsellor is hopefully a good thing, as would be talking to your mom or aunt, but people can say or do things to make things worse and it's good to be aware of those (different people would have different triggers).

[moon raver]

hi moon raver. do you remember what happened with the crisis chat to make things feel worse? that sounds like a key to understanding why you continued to feel overwhelmed instead of feeling any better. talking to a counsellor is hopefully a good thing, as would be talking to your mom or aunt, but people can say or do things to make things worse and it's good to be aware of those (different people would have different triggers).

oh wow it was so long ago i can't remember what it was that was said, i mean, the counselor was really supportive, but i think it was me.

[moon raver]

After you Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes, guilt and anger
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
guilt and anger, i looked at the situation and determined an appropriate feeling would be anger and guilt
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i wrote about it and talked about it with a friend
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no, but they worked
Why do I think they worked?
because i was able to let my anger out in a healthy way
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i don't think i can but i did handle it pretty well.

[treasure]

good work, moon raver

[moon raver]

good work, moon raver

thank you

[Scarlett_]

good work, moon raver

Agreed

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes
what had happened just before?
the neighborhood kids were crowding the house and suddenly i got really anxious and felt the need to cut
what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt overwhelmed
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
because they all were screaming and it was making me anxious
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have distracted myself by reading a book
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, unbalanced eating
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did not try any
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
reading, drawing, playing on my phone
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
snap a rubber band
write a reminder on my hand
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is resolved for the moment, i know they'll be back tomorrow
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, i will recognize it because while the kids are pretty fun, they're also too much for me. i will feel overwhelmed and have thoughts of cutting.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
reading
making braceletes
writing

[moon raver]

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yes
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
shame, for i can't even remember what
What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
i went to bed because i was very tired
Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
yes
If No - What coping skills got me through?
sleeping was the best because it was time to sleep and i was tired
Why do I think they worked?
because i was tired
How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
i can tell myself that i'm not a horrible person and i'm not inherently bad or evil

[Scarlett_]

Sleeping sounded like a really wise decision in that situation, sometimes we all need a break. Well done for getting through the urge without SI

[moon raver]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah. i mean, it wasn't bleeding much to begin with so it wasn't that hard to take care of it
what had happened just before?
i was thinking about self harm
what were you thinking and feeling?
i missed it a lot and i felt like, desperate
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i had just been missing it for so long, about a month
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i could have made better choices, yes
were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep. i'm tired and i took my melatonin earlier in the night. way earlier.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
not really anything
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
yeah, i could have slept or kept watching the walking dead, or i could have snuggled my puppy or sone a whole host of other things
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
write on my hand and snap a rubber band
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it is not resolved, and now i have physical wounds to worry about. again, i'm diabetic. infections happen where i don't cut, so something may pop up where i do.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will recognize by the feelings of sleepiness and desperation
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try listening to music, talking with a friend (or the bae) or i could try just sleeping
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i was alone and i saw my grandpa's pocket knife on the table
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was kinda there. everybody is asleep and the knife was out in the open
What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have gone to sleep probably
If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
probably decreased
What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
all of the above i guess?
If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
pretty.... shitty.