Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I can use the pain as a distraction to keep from saying something that will cause more hurt in my relationship. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will release endorphins in my body to help break me out of the feeling of despair I have. The pain will also serve as a kind of temporary tattoo to help me remember to watch my speech. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel in control of my situation. Hurting myself feels like the easiest way to do that right now. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Relief lasts the better part of an afternoon. When it wears off, I can do it again. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could do something that causes similar sensations, like eating spicy food or sucking on an ice cube. It would not last as long. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Either course of action will not change my situation overall, but hopefully, both will help me to keep from saying things that harm my relationship. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What I really want to do is to get my work done and be left alone to work in peace, so I don't have to worry about work as much.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
My husband condescends to me, is controlling towards me, and when I speak up about it says things to me that make me feel worthless. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here many times before. Usually, I lash out in anger. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be a good spouse, by swallowing my anger and giving myself tiny reminders to hold my tongue. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I did take the pup for a walk/jog, but that also wound up injuring me a bit. (Bad knees.) - How do I feel right now?
Sad. Detached. Like a cold balloon at the end of a string. Alone. Hopeless. Sad. Worthless. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relief. Powerful. Better. Endorphins -- I will feel in control. Angry and in control. Better about myself. Like I am taking charge of my choices, taking some of my power back. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Glad that I chose to find another option besides saying things that caused trouble in my relationship. Better that I chose another option to preserve peace in my relationship. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No, I have to stay home and work from home because of the pandemic. But I can lock myself in the office and not come out. That's a little respite. - Do I need to hurt myself?
After:
Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, all OK. - what had happened just before?
My husband told me he didn't know why he tolerated me, he didn't know why he put up with me. He asked whether he only stayed with me because he felt so unloveable that he could never do any better than me. He told me that I was unable to give him what he needed in a marriage. - what were you thinking and feeling?
I just wanted to die. I wanted to divorce him and then die. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Yes, it was my husband saying that to me. It was knowing that I couldn't please him and I couldn't talk to him. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
We were having trouble with our marital relations. I asked him what I could do to satisfy him and he told me he never felt comfortable around me. I felt ashamed and guilty that I wasn't able to offer him the kind of safety and comfort and mild-mannered even keel stability that could help him to feel at home in a relationship, to the point where I might be able to satisfy him in a marital way. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Yes -- lack of sleep, and also some supplements I had taken the day before (or the day before that) to deal with my menstrual cramps, which tend to throw me out of whack. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I took the dog for a walk/run. I tried texting a friend. I went on BUS. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
More exercise, focusing on work, shutting myself up in the office -- those might have helped a bit. I mostly just focused on housework all day. I am the sole breadwinner in a stressful full-time job, bookkeeper for his small business, family caregiver and benefits advocate for 2 disabled family members, and homemaker as well. My husband's disability (and his disinclination) prevents him from helping me out in any of this. It's exhausting, and when I blow off steam or show irritation or exasperation or stress, it causes my husband to feel victimized. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I have taken to wearing a watch, a ring, and two heavy necklaces, to remind me to think before I act or speak. - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
The situation is ongoing. There is nothing I can do about my marriage. It is not a situation that will resolve itself. All I can do is learn to hold my tongue. I think SI can help me to feel better, but maybe there are other things I can do to take the place of SI. I'm waiting on a replacement part for my exercise bike -- I'm hoping that, once I can fix my bike, I'll at least have that to help me blow off steam. Cold showers might help, too. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I'm hoping that if I hold my tongue and keep quiet more, my husband won't feel so bad about our marriage and we'll get along better. But keeping my distance also helps. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
-Taking a cold shower?
-Taking the dog for a run?
-Calling the Employee Assistance program at work?
-Drinking some hot tea?
-Eating some spicy food?
-Letting an ice cube dissolve in my mouth?
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
Don't want to answer. - Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
I made the opportunity. - What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
N/A - If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased - What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Being alone. - If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
I'd feel crazy -- like I was crawling out of my skin, or niccing. (Going through nicotine withdrawal.)
I know it sounds like my husband is the villain, here, but really, it takes two to tango. And since we have a bit of a power imbalance, due to his disability and my position as the one in charge of all the finances, I do need to step up and take responsibility for my own actions, and for how I contribute to the conflicts. I just don't feel heard at all. It's like it's hopeless to say anything.
But getting enough sleep and staying away from pills does help.
Thank you for letting me post.
