Before

[sojourner_steph]

Before You Self-Harm

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll feel less anxious or whatever this feeling is.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will stop feelings. It will make things better for a bit and then worse for a while.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I WANT to be able to do things! I want to be able to do simple tasks without feeling awful or just not doing them and spending hours and hours watching tv shows instead. SI really does work for that. If I SI, I will be able to do things. I know that it works. I can SI and do a task and then SI a bit more and do another task until all the things I need to do are done. Ok, this isn't long term - this is short term. Long term I want to not want SI anymore - I'm only ever going to get there if I keep on not giving in to SI - because maybe then eventually I'll want it less. It's easier to think about now. I want to get rid of this feeling now.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I probably won't. I almost wish I would though. I want something different then doing absolutely nothing and feeling crap and trying to distract myself from feeling crap.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

1. watch more distracting things. It will do absolutely nothing. I won't get anything done. I'll feel crap now and later.
2. well I am writing here. I was also thinking about writing in my journal because I'm wondering if attempting to write about actual things might be more helpful then just distracting myself from feelings.
3. Try to force myself to do things. That will probably end after 5 minutes with me crying and feeling a lot worse.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Crap - no matter what I do

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I WANT TO DO THINGS. I want to not feel crap. I want feeling like I want SI to go away.



More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I don't know. I don't feel like I ever have a reason. I want SI because I want to stop feelings. I don't know why I have feelings except because I'm stupid.
Some things I've been thinking about recently which have maybe added to feelings
- church was hard yesterday because people were there (and sat next to me ) who know my family which makes me feel like I can't be me at church, and feel some of the feelings I feel when I'm around my family.
- I want some time to myself. I think I need it. My first few days of holidays have been doing too much - trying to get ready for christmas, babysitting, catching up with people tomorrow...
- I feel stressed about a friendship with an older lady who is always mad at me for not spending enough time with her. I need to write her a letter to tell her I can't fulfill her expectations. I'm catching up with her tomorrow because I feel like I have to because she's mad at me.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I distracted myself with things and felt crap afterwards many times.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Is there something that will EASE THE DISCOMFORT? I want to change this feeling. Not just distract myself from it. So what will do that?

How do I feel right now?

Crap

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Better

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Crap

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No

Do I need to hurt myself?

No

[treasure]

the things you mentioned that may lead to feeling bad/stressed, those would absolutely make me feel bad so they could be some of the causes.

emotions often come and go in a fleeting way but fighting against them (refusing to see them, feel them or accept them) causes them to last longer. you are not stupid for having feelings, they are normal and useful - they protect you, they warn you, they remind you of your needs. can you spend a few mins sitting with them and mindfully accepting them? it is painful and hard, but they will pass, they will change. can you journal a little about why emotions are helpful, even the bad ones, or maybe the reasons that you want to push them away? (it's ok to want that or to need it. i've found the reasons behind it for me are interesting and helpful)

for me, easing feelings often means doing something about the situation that lead to them - eg you might start that letter you were thinking of. i also find it helpful to have small goals - eg today i will have a shower and make my bed. if i am putting something off i will add it to my todo list or calendar for today or the very near future.




*my own experiences, may be challenging, feel free to skip*


i haven't played it in a while but there's a ben lee song called numb which reminds me that feelings are creative and passionate. feelings of anger and hate and sadness can be real and acceptable. i've never screamed out loud on purpose but feeling like i want to scream is ok, and interesting. it tells me something, it expresses something, it shows that i'm alive and real and that i want to make my mark on the world. i don't want to be silent forever, i don't want to put other people's needs above mine forever. emotional pain hurts a fuckton but crying goes somewhere, it changes something. if i si, i push the feelings inside and they are still there messing up my mind and messing up my plans.

i am very very long way from emotionally healthy and normal, but it's become a goal of mine to understand my feelings and learn how to deal with them. if it's a goal to understand them, then numbing them all the time becomes an impediment. doesn't stop all si, but sometimes i push through urges a bit longer and i continually get stronger at doing that. running from feelings is my learned response, i definitely don't accept my emotions most of the time, but i see a lot of that in your post and maybe it's something to confront?