-Eisa's Before and After Masterpost-

[Eisa]

(I don't know that I have urges very much to require a masterpost. But I like masterposts. )

Replies are always welcome.
Challenges are also always welcome, although please mark them as such.


Today: 6/21/2014

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-Truthfully? Boredom. I'm bored and antsy-feeling and fidgety, and self-harming would make me not feel that way anymore. It's a thought that's popped into my head and now it won't properly leave.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
-Yes. That's how I used to self-harm a lot before. I would usually self-harm, I think. I'm not positive, because I can't remember.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-Listened to music. Started answering these questions. I could also get back on Tumblr and tell my wife that I feel like self-harming. Or I could play a video game, maybe. Or I could go to sleep.

How do I feel right now?
-Really fidgety and agitated, but at the same time, dissociated. I might be getting someone else inside's feelings about self-injury leaking through, I'm not sure. It did spring up out of nowhere, so.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
-Probably a little bit guilty. It will hurt, because I'm not numb. I might regret the cuts, or I will feel strangely proud of creating them.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
-Like there was no reason to hurt myself and even though I have given myself permission to use self-harm as a coping mechanism, there are a million other, healthier ways I know to deal with boredom and stress. I'd also feel ashamed, because I know that it would make my wife want to do the same.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
-Yes. Well, I don't think I can avoid being bored, stressed, or fidgety, but I can find other things to do instead, I think.

Do I need to hurt myself?
-I don't think so, no. I think that I can distract myself enough until the urge goes away. But writing out the answers to this was helpful, so I didn't just act on said urges impulsively, and end up doing something I didn't mean to.

Instead of self-harming, I will:
Tell my wife how I feel.
Distract with Tumblr/Netflix/video games/reading.
Go to sleep.


Edit: Also just realized that I saw a picture of someone on Tumblr, and their cuts were visible in the picture, and I think that also contributed. No more looking at the picture!

[treasure]

Before and after doesn't move very fast so you should be able to find your thread/masterpost again, or you might want to bookmark it.

Maybe some sort of physical activity would help with bored and restless feelings? If you've been on the computer for a while it can be good to have a break from it. With a goal in mind like "i will go to the other side of the house then come back" so you don't feel too urgy or restless.

[Eisa]

treasure: Physical activity is a good idea.


Today: 9/8/2014

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-someone posted a rant about how they're so offended that someone got angry at them for having a deviantart stamp that said "r*pe is sometimes funny" and acted like it was justified and im so triggered right now i want to thr*w up i feel so sick

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
-triggered yeah usually cry or cut or hide in the closet or shut down or switch but i cant switch now our switch is broken

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-listened to music and told my friend Blu i feel this way and look at fluffy animal pictures, im not sure what else i can do, i could get off the computer but im afraid to take myself away from it cus distractions

How do I feel right now?
-really spacey and sick and flashback-y and triggered and all i can think about is ab*se memories

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
-i probably wouldnt feel anything at all

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
-probably kind of sad and numb and idk, maybe just relieved honestly if it means i stop feeling like im on a fucking whirlwind

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
-apparently i need better friends or something idk i could probably try to deal with it better

Do I need to hurt myself?
-i dont know, im trying not to

Instead of self-harming, I will:
keep talking to my friends and my wife
keep listening to music
maybe go and look at the distractions and games and rw forums too

[Eisa]

just wanted to note after last night, i didn't hurt myself

[swirlish]

just wanted to note after last night, i didn't hurt myself

Wow, good job! Do you think you can figure out what helped you not to hurt yourself this time? Maybe that's something you can develop and use next time you're doing badly (and especially next time you're having the emotions you had last night)

[Eisa]

swirlish: thank you i think because i ended up bombarded at the same time with cute baby photos, cute cat photos, and terrible egg pictures (like the ones where there's an egg that went splat but someone drew a face on them and stuff) from three different people, and it helped because i had to focus on that instead, and i couldn't just wallow and feel bad. and doing some of the quizzes and stuff in distractions, especially looking at dogs...

so maybe if i get triggered like that again, i should just go and search cat and dog pictures, or ask my friend for more photos of her baby 'cause i love him and she knows it and likes to show me how cute he is, which is nice.

oh! and i should remember not to listen to depressing music because my wife sent me an epic rap battle song and that helped too, just changing everything to happy distractions and making myself laugh helps a lot. my mood crashed again a while after i calmed down, but i was able to ignore it because i didn't feel like i had to self harm, i just felt sad. i can deal with sad.

[Eisa]

Today: 1/15/2015

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-I honestly don't know. I was just thinking earlier how it had been a while since I had self-harmed, and that has made me...really want to. Like I am not allowed to have a "too long" streak of non-self-harm days, or I'm faking it or something. Also exhaustion, and how shit the past month has been. I've been too depressed to self harm, and I think that I'm getting a bit out of that trench, which is good, but anxiety and self-harm impulses are taking its place, which isn't good.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
-I've never had to deal with this level of depression before, I don't think. I have had to deal with feeling like it's been too long since I self-harmed, though. Before, I had that "promise" with M to stop me. After that, I believe I've always ended up self-harming in some way to cope with it.

What have I done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-I've listened to music, and I've been practicing a lot of drawing, which takes my mind off things. I've also been watching The Land Before Time series. I could go to bed, read, or play Fantasy Life. I would draw more, but my hand is tired.

How do I feel right now?
-Really tired, kind of dissociated, and like there's a wall in my mind blocking off my negative feelings, but there are a lot of cracks in said wall.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
-Probably in pain, and ashamed, even while I'm doing it. I'm not emotionally numb enough for it not to hurt.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
-Probably shame, guilt, etc. Especially because I always encourage my wife not to self harm, and if I do it, I feel like a hypocrite. Annoyed at myself. A sneaking sense of relief.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
-Hopefully the reasons why I'm so depressed never happen again. I should figure out a better way to deal with feeling like it's been too long since the last time I self-harmed, though. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

Do I need to hurt myself?
-I'm not sure.

Instead of self-harming, I will:
Try going to sleep
Read some more of my book
Play a video game

[treasure]

I should figure out a better way to deal with feeling like it's been too long since the last time I self-harmed, though. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

i've had that thought/feeling be a trigger before. it sort of helped to mark time as "si free" in a positive way, with badges in my journal/place and rewards for myself. it also sometimes helped to think well, even if i think it's a reasonable time because it's been long enough without it, i still might try and wait 15 mins (or 5, or an hr) and see if i 'need' si after that time.

Also exhaustion

can you make a plan to help you sleep better, and help you recover from tiring/draining things?

[Eisa]

I should figure out a better way to deal with feeling like it's been too long since the last time I self-harmed, though. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

i've had that thought/feeling be a trigger before. it sort of helped to mark time as "si free" in a positive way, with badges in my journal/place and rewards for myself. it also sometimes helped to think well, even if i think it's a reasonable time because it's been long enough without it, i still might try and wait 15 mins (or 5, or an hr) and see if i 'need' si after that time.

Also exhaustion

can you make a plan to help you sleep better, and help you recover from tiring/draining things?

I have done that, it helped the other day when I wrote the 'before' post, to wait 5 minutes, and then wait another 5 minutes. (I did not self harm, for the record.) Marking time as "si free" in a positive way might help. I'm not sure. I seem to do the best with it when I just pretend that I've never self-harmed, ever, but then I end up blindsided with SI triggers sometimes, so I don't think that's the greatest way to deal with it. So maybe trying to reframe it as a positive thing would actually help.

Sleep-wise, I don't know. I've been trying to fix my sleep for years, at this rate. Any time I end up on a more restful cycle, it promptly gets fucked. I'm not sure what else to do, since for several months, it was guided by Rhay's sleep psychologist, and it still didn't go well.

[Eisa]

This happened the other day.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
-Yeah, I did when it happened.

what had happened just before?
-FB trying to turn my profile into a page because my name wasn't my "real name."

what were you thinking and feeling?
-Really, really upset, feeling like my identity had just been erased (because of so much that would have been completely lost, about my system, my abuse, my life, etc.), feeling suicidal, feeling angry and upset.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
-Because it was that or... well, no, it was basically hurting myself in some way, but this was better than punching the wall, because I couldn't afford to pay that. And I didn't want to hurt my wife instead, that would have been worse.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
-Tbh, I don't think there was really a different decision I could have made that would have been better, because I self-harmed, it wasn't that bad, and it instantly calmed me down enough to think better and do something else (like get out of the apartment and go to the library). It was also staving off suicidal feelings, and I think that was important.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
-Sleep deprivation, and I've been off my anti-anxiety meds for a while because I hate the side effects. :c I can't really seem to help the sleep deprivation, but I really should try to keep taking my meds. If I actually keep taking them through the side effects, they diminish. It's hard to remember that, though.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
-Talking to people, listening to music, other websites, pacing. They didn't work very well. After I self-harmed, going to the library helped me calm down so I didn't SH again, however.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
-Honestly, I don't know, because I get to a point of upset where upset and angry combine, and I have never found a way to cope with that beyond self injury. If I do it soon enough, I can control it to the point where it's a lot more mild than it might otherwise be, and then other coping methods will work. But I don't even know what would work before that. Perhaps if I could yell and throw things, that would help? But I can't in this apartment, I'd disturb the neighbors. :/

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
-Hopefully it doesn't. I guess trying to be prepared, plan, keep back-ups of things in as many places as I can? Would help me feel more in control of things in general.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
-It is resolved now, but it makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable to have to use my maiden name, and it increases my dysphoria ten thousand fold, and I'm not sure how to deal with that. :c So I guess that's an important thing to figure out. Dealing with the dysphoria the resolution is bringing up.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
-Yeah tbh, probably, getting to that emotional place happens more often than I want to think. I'm not sure, because it happens so suddenly. Maybe learning how to deal with my anger would help? I've never figured out how to handle my anger beyond internalizing it and/or turning it on myself. Hmm. I hadn't put that together until now. This is useful.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
- Rip up a piece of paper.
- Scream into a pillow.
- Scribble on paper as hard as I can.

[Eisa]

Today: 7/19/2015

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-Listening to too many sad songs brought uncomfortable feelings up, and now that I keep staring at my wrists and thinking they look too un-marked-up, I figured I should try to do this instead.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
-Yes, it happens a lot when I'm sad and/or trigger myself, especially if it's related to BPD or related to abuse stuff. I usually distract myself with something more cheerful.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-I told a friend that I feel like shit, which is hard for me to do. I could also tell my wife, and I could also find other distractions. I could play a video game or read a book or watch a let's play.

How do I feel right now?
-Kind of sad and dissociated and self-hatred in waves.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
-Like it hurts, but I deserve it.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
-Kind of relieved and happy, because I really like self harm marks? But also guilty and annoyed at myself for not trying to do something else first, because I really don't want self injury to be my go-to coping mechanism, I would rather it be a last resort, when nothing else has worked.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
-Probably. I could stop listening to things I know make me sad, and change to happier songs. I could distract myself with a TV show or something else.

Do I need to hurt myself?
-I don't think I do, but I'm not sure, because I still might later. But at least if I do later, it should be after trying several other coping methods. So that will still be a bonus, even if I do. But hopefully I won't!

Instead of self-harming, I will:
Tell my wife how I feel.
Watch a let's play or a TV show (or both).
Draw something.

[treasure]

hi Eisa,
i think drawing something is a really good idea because it lets you express something sad in the drawing and turn it into something tangible and possibly beautiful.

i like listening to music and find sad songs when i'm feeling sad or want to feel sad. instead of switching to particularly happy songs straight away, i find it easier to switch to my favourite songs, ones that mean something to me and help me feel stronger, and then the sadness and other feelings fade.


*challenging*

the thought that you could have more si marks - what would that mean to you? you wrote that you'd deserve it - why do you deserve to be hurt?

[Eisa]

treasure: I don't know why I never replied.

Drawing has been helping me out a lot (especially as I practice more).

That's a good idea re: favorite songs. It definitely works better for me than trying to find something too "happy" straight off.

I'm not sure. It feels like my emotional pain is more tangible when I have self harm marks? Like I have something grounding to prove to myself that yes, I really do/did feel bad, yes, I'm mentally ill, yes, something is wrong. Without that, it's harder for me to connect to myself and my emotions and remember that all of those things are true without me hurting myself.




(I'm getting around to writing this late, it actually happened on Wednesday, so that's how I'm going to date it.)

5/31/17:
have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
-Yes, I did when it happened.

what had happened just before?
-I just got home from my last day of group therapy.

what were you thinking and feeling?
-I felt really upset/disappointed in myself, and I felt like nobody cared about me.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
-We played a Jeopardy review game and I got some questions wrong because I misunderstood the question. As well, no one noticed that I had highlighted my hair until I mentioned it and then, only one person complimented it.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
-People at group got complimented on tons of things, including one person being complimented for having a teensy coke bottle, so it felt like I wasn't cared about at all when nobody really said anything about something that was such a big step for me. Then I felt really stupid when I got questions wrong, especially since I did know the answers, I just didn't understand the question. I also feel like tbh, I was looking for a reason to self harm. I've been wanting to for months and it felt like I had a reason now, especially when I got home and my emotions were still really stirred up.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
-Sleep deprivation maybe. My meds also aren't really working, as I've been having awful side effects (most likely) from one of them. I'm planning on addressing that at my next psych appointment.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
-Tbh I didn't try any. I deliberately didn't try any because I knew they would have worked and I sabotaged myself.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
-Yes, many. I could have talked to my other third (as I did after I self-harmed about what led me to and I immediately calmed down and felt validated in being upset about those things). I could have distracted myself with a TV show or music I like, drew something, did things on my to-do list, taken a nap, talked to my wife or my friends, played games on my phone, gone through a pros and cons list of self harming, etc.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
-I will talk to my other third first and I'll ask my wife to remind me to try my coping methods first.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
-As resolved as it's going to get, I suppose, since group therapy is now over for me. Rationally, I also know that not noticing my hair being highlighted wasn't really some kind of personal slight (especially as people have complimented me having put my hair in fishtail braids before and stuff like that), it was more likely because the room we have group in is relatively dim, and I know it's okay I misunderstood the questions in the review game, it just doesn't feel like that. I don't know what to do about the overall "looking for any excuse to self harm" but I guess at least I recognize it? I'm also concerned because I had planned to only do X, but once I was actually hurting myself, I did it other places too, so I did more and wasn't in control like I thought I was.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
-Probably. Not the specific situation, but getting stuff wrong or feeling unnoticed happens. I'm not sure how to recognize it beyond trying to name and describe my emotions and realizing when I'm upset and why.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
- Talk to my other third.
- Take a nap.
- Draw something.

[Eisa]

Today: 6/10/2017

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
-I don't know? Because my prior self harm marks on my wrists have healed and I'm really nervy about my doctor's appointment on Monday, where I'm supposed to get an EEG referral for my seizures. I think also I'm really afraid that the EEG won't show anything and I'll just be blown off (which is what happened to my wife over her dissociative seizures). I know that we have different types of seizures and I respond to different stimuli (I'm photosensitive), but I'm hyping myself up over it.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
-I haven't been in this specific place before, but I've definitely dealt with medical anxiety in the past. I've also dealt with neurologists not taking me seriously (as what happened when I went to the doctor for my constant headaches, had an MRI done which came back normal, and then was treated like I was faking). Having that experience in the past also makes me afraid things will end up going badly for me. I believe I self-harmed in the past or otherwise treated myself badly. I felt horrible, like maybe I really was making it all up and being a burden on my family for costing them money over nothing.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-I haven't done anything so far besides start these questions. Truthfully, I didn't think there was really anything beyond "I miss self harm marks" and now a lot of my emotions and underlying uncertainties just came pouring out, so that's already helpful. I could talk to my friends, I could listen to upbeat music, I could draw or write, I could watch a TV show, I could take a nap, I could do a page in my me book, etc.

How do I feel right now?
-Kind of wibbly and upset because I didn't realize all the underlying stuff and how invalidated it still makes me feel.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
-Like it hurts and I shouldn't do it. But maybe also some relief? And sense of pleasure? I like seeing the lines and I like seeing blood. I like seeing myself hurt.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
-Guilty and ashamed, knowing that I shouldn't have done it. Also embarrassed because if I do it somewhere visible, then the nurse or doctor will see it on Monday and I don't want to deal with judgment.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
-I think knowing the invalidation and knowing how upset that makes it helps already. I don't think it's avoidable because my health is bad, and I'm going to have to deal with doctors all the time, and not all of them will be good or validating. But at least recognizing that for myself and maybe asking others for validation/giving myself validation for my health issues will be helpful.

Do I need to hurt myself?
-I don't think so, no.

Instead of self-harming, I will:
Watch a TV show.
Talk to my friend.
Take a nap (or go to bed for the night).